Ranting and Raving (a manifesto)

I would like to hire a hot female intern

And then have a sleazy office affair

And then get sued for sexual harassment

Then go through a long arduous drawn out court case

In which I claim it was consensual

And she claims she was threatened with the loss of her job

But the case will be broken wide open

When I play tapes from the alleged nights in question

That I secretly recorded

BUT

She will then claim the tapes are inadmissible because she was not informed of the recording

AT WHICH TIME

I will present photographic evidence of pictures I took of the disclaimer I had posted in the room

WHICH READ:

"The use of and/or recording by audio and/or visual equipment may be present on this premises. Please be advised"

AS A RESULT

All of the charges will dropped.

FOLLOWED BY

My issuing of a triumphant statement against fraudulent and exploitive lawsuits, and the problem with the legal system in this country.

I would like to thank Selina Ellis for her help on material included in this entry.

Killing in the name of... (Jesus and Seafood)

I’ve come to develop a routine when I wake up in the morning before work, which consists more or less of the following:

1. Harshly awaken to the buzzing sound of alarm clock. Shut off, go back to bed.
2. Harshly awaken to the ringing sound of cell phone alarm. Shut off, lay in bed.
3. Scratch myself.
4. Throw off covers, stumble up, turn on TV.
5. Hear story on either
1. Terri Schiavo or
2. a school shooting.
6. Shower
7. Come out to hear story on
1. Terri Schiavo or
2. A school shooting
1. Depending on what they chose to run first that day

If this news media is a reflection of our society, one would have to believe that we are a nation of death. This would explain the heightened cases of gothic behavior, as well as the increasing mainstream popularity of the band Interpol (however, the popularity of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy remains a mystery). The one decision left to the media these days? Which story to run first. I’ll take school shootings for 100!

Our latest school shooting takes place way up north in Minnesota, site of debatably the coldest (temperature wise) school attack in recent memory, where we have another tragic story of a teen going on a murderous shooting spree in his high school, killing ten, including himself, and injury several others (to the surprise of many adults, the teen had expressed no interest in gothic culture or Interpol). Now in the past, we usually had about a one to two week period of mourning before we started in with the usual patronizing “how do we make sure this doesn’t happen again.” This talk is fabulous, and conservatives love it, because it never changes (however, they do not love my use of the word “fabulous”). We always end up focusing on the event, and not the cause. Sure enough, that happened quickly this time. I was watching a cable news network this morning, because I like to watch something trite that you don’t have to think about when I get up. This morning, I was greeted by a man who was explaining the steps we can take to prevent another massacre such as this. Naturally, I expected to hear talk of counseling, therapy, taking more of an interest in America’s youth and making sure we care for our kids. But that type of pussy thinking really belongs in Canada.

The Man instead went into a five-step checklist, itemizing the steps we should take in making our schools safer. At this time, let us take a look at this list:

1. A Distinctive Alarm – He stated that this alarm should be different from other alarms, so people know just what sort of emergency to prepare for (and of course by prepare, I mean shit their pants). I think this is an excellent point, because there is a difference between the way I goof off during the fire drill, and the way I fuck-around during a shooting drill. Really, we should have a 3-alarm system: One alarm for shootings, another for fire, and a third for that lucky male student in each school who’s banging his teacher.
2. Creative Exiting – Another task our schools have failed to make use of. The students really must be taught this, which includes jumping out of windows, climbing through air ducts, and the highly misunderestimated tunneling out of the building via the use of a spoon, a la Shawshank Redemption.
3. Cover and Conceal – Reminiscent of the days of 1950’s bomb drills when children would hide under their desks to protect themselves from the onslaught of nuclear war-fare. But while hiding under a desk may work for nuclear war, it’s certainly not going to save you from a peer with a gun, jeez! So instead, the Man has suggested hiding behind a car. BUT, take note. You must hide behind the FRONT of the car. That way, the engine block will protect you from the tears of lead dispensed from Hitler McNofriends.
4. Give the Security Guard a Gun – Obviously. This goes without saying. Because the best way to solve a problem aided by an over accessibility of the unqualified to have guns is to, what else, give out more guns. In this respect, I think we should also give serious thought to arming our mall security.
5. How to React – The children must no that even though a murderous rampage is taking place, there are still rules for decorum. For instance, while jumping out a second story window, do so calmly and quietly, one by one, in an organized fashion.

Unfortunately, school shootings are not getting the undivided attention the killers so badly craved as a result of years of shunning by their parents. This is due mainly by America’s unrelenting commitment to help the disabled (did I just say that?)

But Terri Schiavo needs no introduction. At this point, you don’t even have to own a TV to hear about Terri Schiavo. If you open your window, you can hear members from all political backgrounds expertly debate and formulate arguments regarding a woman who they don’t know and will never meet. But that won’t stop us from putting her on the cross for our respected causes!

Speaking of putting people on the cross, it appears Mel Gibson, silently stewing in a creamy broth of frustration, has decided to take it upon himself to be somewhat of an Anti-Clint Eastwood, finding his own Million Dollar Baby. Only in this case, Gibson will rewrite the ending the way Jesus would have intended it. From the classy and hollowed ground of Drago’s Seafood Restaurant, Gibson penned a statement in which he pledged his support for Terri’s parents. Interestingly enough, although Gibson found it prudent to take the initiative to get up and say something with a mouth full of crab cakes, he apparently could not devote the same time to spell checking the name of the girl he was supporting. But, we are none of us perfect. In another fascinating coincidence, both Jesus and Terri have people who, though they have had no actual contact with them, have taken it upon themselves to speak on their behalf. OOOOOhhhh. Spooky isn’t it?? I smell Oscar®……

Putting aside all our differences for the sake of ending this entry, I think Mel, Terri, Clint, Jesus, Angry Teen and School Shooting Prevention Guy can all agree on one thing: Soledad O’Brien is really hot.

Until Next Time...

Footnotes for the Uninformed:

1. Terri Schiavo is a woman whose heart temporarily stopped in 1990 as a result of the battle with an eating disorder, sending her into a “permanent vegetative state,” in which she has remained since. Similar conditions have been recognized to occur as a result of watching excessive amounts of “Will & Grace.”
1. Side-note* - If I hear the phrase “permanent vegetative state” one more time, I’m going to take a permanent vegetative shit right on top of the television.
2. Misunderestimated, though not actually a word, was made popular by The President of the United States. See also: Nucular, Irregardless.
3. “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” is a show where five fabulous gay men are brought in to fix up a straight man, usually for the assumed benefit of his female counterpart (because who knows more about pleasing women than gay men).
4. “Fabulous” is a word that has been annexed by the homosexual community, such as queer, gay, and Rafael.
5. Interpol is a band whose members and fans alike seem to have a pension for dressing in gothic attire (interestingly enough, their music rocks)
6. Canada is the country that borders us to the North. Their Royal Canadian Mounted Police are fabulous dressers.
7. Million Dollar Baby was the Academy Award winner for Best Picture this year, proving what a down year it was for cinema.
8. Soledad is an anchor for the CNN morning show.
   
9. Jesus is our Lord and Savior

HEY YOU! YEAH, YOU, SMELLY! MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD! POST A COMMENT ON "THE SOCK." IT JUST MIGHT END UP ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR WITH SAID FOOT GARMENT!

Don't Call it a Comeback (it's Madness!)

So I’ve decided to resurrect my journal/blog/slam-book/memoirs/rotisserie-roaster. Whatever you want to call it, it’s back, yet again. It has now been resurrected more times than Jesus. And of course by that, I am referring to the rock group Jesus Jones. How long will “the sock” be with us this time around? Who knows? It probably really depends on how bored I get, and how much free time I maintain at work. But that’s the excitement of “the sock.” You never know where or when it’s going to turn up next; Kind of like Jesus (Jones).

I’ve been kicking around several possible topics for the comeback entry for weeks now, but none seemed to make it through to fruition (fruition: to complete, not to make a smoothie). But one topic grabbed me and shook me like a British au pair, with enough force to finally push me over the e-logging hump. That topic? March Madness!!

That’s right! The same category that spawned a flurry of entries at this same time last year has done it once again without fail! Let me set the scene for you…

It’s about 5:55 pm Sunday night. I’m sitting in The Room Formally Known as (my cousin) Lisa’s Room, where I have been taking up residence while looking for an apartment in NY. Alas, while there seems to be an abundance of pregnant women looking for roommates, nothing has quite struck my fancy, and my price range, as of yet (but that is another story for another day. Back to the Madness!)

So as I said, it’s 5:55 pm, and I’m playing video games, when all of a sudden I get the uncontrollable urge to change the channel to CBS (never in my life did I think I would ever scribe this phrase). Sure enough, I’m greeted by the face of Greg Gumble, who is accompanied by the loveable Clark Kellogg and the incomprehensible “Seth Davis of Sports Illustrated” (apparently this is now his legal name, and he must be referred to as such at all times).
Side note – did anyone else notice at the Oscars® last month that the announcer added an adjective to everyone’s name who she called to the stage? For instance, “the loveable Mike Myers” was one. Who got to decide these? Next year, in an attempt to make the Oscars® more interactive, I think the audience should be able to particpate in an online vote to determine these titles. Then next year we could be lucky enough to hear such beauties as “the humorless Sean Penn” or “the skeletal Clint Eastwood” and, with the aid of a comeback role, “the cosmetically-augmented Morgan Fairchild.”

Anyway, after a quick commercial break (I’m waiting for Dave Chappelle to copyright that phrase), CBS kicks off its annual Selection Show at 6 pm. And we’re off to a blazing start, with Greg Gumble mispronouncing the word “studio” twice. Remarkable! The generally unflappable Gumble fumbles the lead in! But it’s a great metaphor for college basketball. That’s the kind of year it’s been. You never know what is going to happen. But I give credit to Gumble, who acknowledged his mistake in a clever and witty way. If only the Knicks could get Isaiah Thomas to do this…

My first “son-of-a-bitch, how-the-hell-did-that-happen?” Moment of the night? Georgia Tech getting a 5 seed in the Albuquerque bracket (the equivalent of the NFL calling superbowl XXXIX “the Jacksonville bowl”). Let's review: G Tech is a bubble team entering the ACC tournament. They get to the finals of the conference tourney, before losing to Duke. And this garners them a 5 seed??? This means the committee is deaming them a top 20 team. Is there anyone who still believes the committee is not taking into account last year’s performances???

It’s said at the top of the Show that Illinois is the number 1 seed overall, yet UNC gets to play the winner of the “play-in” game. After watching Cold Pizza this morning, it’s explained that this is for scheduling purposed only. So Illinois gets # 1, but denied their due as such? I will now refer to this as the “Arrested Development” clause.

Jim Nantz, while excusing himself for using hyperbole (that’s a first), calls the Syracuse Bracket “one of the greatest brackets ever.” Nantz then went on to call the Michael Jackson jury, “the greatest group of jurors ever assembled,” and the hot dogs in the Worcester Centrum to be “the most mouth-watering piece of lard ever made.” Nantz was then served with a lawsuit by the attorney for Donald Trump.

Sports Illustrated’s “slippery-when-wet” Seth Davis closes the show in defense of Indiana, who Davis says should have made the tournament, claiming, “what happens in the conference is what’s most important.” On the heels of that statement, St. Joseph’s coach Phil Martelli announced that his team would play all 31 of their games next year against A-10 opponents.

The overall most hilarious moment of the night was when Boston College was revealed as a 4 seed. CBS subsequently cuts live to the dining hall at BC, where a clearly ticked Al Skinner sits with his arms tightly crossed, flanked by the sulking members of his squad, while a lone student in the background applauds the bid. Make a mental note: this is the mark by which all future awkward claps should be measured.

Though there were no championship calibre Billy Packer moments this year, like last years benchmark war of words with Phil Martelli, there were some classic Parker head-scratching moments. My favorite? When Packer trumped up Southern Illinois, saying the Salukis were a dangerous team that could move deep into the tournament, and then immediately followed that up by saying Oklahoma St, a #2 seed, could have easily been a #1, and is a great team going to the Sweet 16. In case you didn’t know, Southern Illinois and Oklahoma St. are slated to play each other in the second round, thus making Packer’s predictions, um, lets say difficult. But I enjoy that no one questions Packer’s seemingly contradictory comments. He’s achieved the same standing in the media as President Bush. I don’t know which feat is more remarkable.

Sadly, the Selection Show had to come to an end, as this entry must too (maybe less sadly. Actually, I think they are equally sad performances. Take that as you will). I don’t know what’s worse, having to wait another year for the next Selection Show, or having to wait four days for the tourney to begin. Until then, I’ll be filling out my brackets with Jesus (Jones)...