Wake Me Up, When September Ends...

Remember that scene in "Fight Club," where Tyler (Brad Pitt) pours lye on Jack's (Ed Norton's) hand, holding it while it burnt, and all the while, with Jack flinching, convulsing and writhing, Tyler preaches, "Stay with the pain..."? That's how I feel while following the Red Sox right now.

I figured we were past this. Winning the World Series last year was supposed to be that huge cleansing event that relinquished us from continued pain and misery. Vindicated! After 86 years of heartbreak and let down, with one great moment, it could all be flushed out. And it was. It was the single greatest day of my life the day the Red Sox won the World Series. But time doesn't stop. Here we are, back in the midst of the possibility of another September collapse. And though it's not the same as it was before, as the weight of years past doesn't seem to be placed squarely on our collective shoulders, simply put, it's still a kick to the nuts.

I for one am more optimistic, and think the Sox will put it out, aided by the seven home games that remain on the schedule vs. the mere three away from the Fens. BUT, this is not about what I think the Sox WILL do. This is about what I am GOING TO DO. For the next 10 days, I will (attempt to) chronicle the events, and my subsequent thoughts and feelings that go along with them, as the Red Sox attempt to do something they have never done before: Beat out the Yankees head-to-head for the AL East title... And you know that is what it's coming down to.

One game, 1 measly little game, separates these two, with only 10 games left to play, the LAST THREE being against each other in Boston. We know that's what will decide it. It always does. A seven game ALCS in 2003, followed by an improbable 7 game ALCS AGAIN last year. It always goes down to the final game when it's the Sox and Yanks. THAT is why it's so excrutiating! But that's also why it's so fun.

Since the start of the 2002 season, the Red Sox have played the Yankees 87 times. The Red Sox have won 43 of those, the Yankees, 44. One game. ONE GAME. ONE F*$%ING GAME. It's ALWAYS 1 GAME. You would think, with a full certainty that it will inevitably be decided on that final day, game # 162 at Fenway, that I'd be able to get through these prior nine leading up to it without incident. But no. Instead, that one game mentality manifests itself into every game... Most of which I can't even see (thanks a lot Time Warner Cable, NY).

So with every day, and every game, I pledge to you, fair (probably bored) reader, that I will have a new post, filled with the joy of victory, or the agony of defeat... as well as possibly one or more of the following:

crying
whining
anger
happiness
chaos
mutiny ($$ extra)
bloodshed
sex
drugs
rock (and/or roll)
bitch slapping

*editor's note: most, if not all, of the previous items will not actually be present in the following entries... with the exception of bitch slapping*

And with that, I bid you adieu. BUT, I leave you with the following, once again from "Fight Club."

TYLER:
This is your pain. This is your burning hand. It's right here! Look at it."

Go Sox.

Hasta La Proxima,

Aaron

Actual Language Contained in my Lease

In case you were wondering (and I'm sure you were because, let's face it, why else would you be here), I recently had the pleasure of both reading and signing my lease. Let's stop here so I can answer your questions. Yes, I have been living in the apartment in Queens since April. No, I did not sign a lease when I moved in. Yes, there was an existing lease. No, it ran out at the end of March. I don't know, I guess we were squatting. Yes, I did pay rent. No, I have no idea who that money actually went to. No, I was not homeless at any point, but, Yes, I did pee in a cup for a while.

In any event, the lease has officially been signed, and I can only assume been sent in by my roommate. And if it hasn't, well, clearly living in this place with no lease does not seem to bother the landlord.

Before I signed the lease, I read through it very carefully (because you should always read the fine print. Otherwise you might end up dancing on a stage in Lebanon with goat, but that's a whole other story). Thankfully, there was nothing particularly disturbing or goat-related in it which would have discouraged me from signing said document. However, there was one section that caused me to pause and think for a moment. As luck with have it, I just so happen to have a copy of the lease with me. So join me now in reviewing the following segment, ACTUAL LANGUAGE CONTAINED IN MY LEASE:

RIDER

27. RULES
(6) Dogs, cats or other animals or pets are not allowed in the Apartment or Building, with the exception of a small Pomeranian to be brought in upon moving in. In the event that this specific Pomeranian is removed permanently from the residence or passes on, no other pet will be permitted to replace it. In addition, this is the only pet that will be permitted, no other pets or substitute pets will be permitted at all.



First things first. If you are like me, and were not certain exactly what a Pomeranian was, please explore the following website: http://www.akc.org/breeds/Pomeranian/index.cfm. It is very comprehensive and should be able to answer all of your questions.

I'm new to New York, so I'm not quite sure what the standard New York lease tends to consist of. This being my first experience of renting an apartment here, I can only assume that it is standard issue for all apartments here to have a clause permitting a small Pomeranian. And assuming that is the case, I think is delightful, and should somehow be incorporated into all apartment leases everywhere. I think if we all had small Pomeranians in our apartments, the world would be a happier, be it smellier, place.

As always, if you have any questions or comments about Pomeranians, NY apartment leases, or Lebanese goats, you can email me at niceprice5@yahoo.com, or simply post a comment on this site. Who knows, I might even post it with a response! And then you'll be like, "oh shit, Aaron responded to my comment on his website! That is awesome! He must really like me! I wonder if I should ask him out for a drink later this week? I mean he's not hot, but he's kinda cute in like a Zach Braff, unassuming way*." And then maybe I'll be like "sure, I'll get a drink," 'cause like maybe you're not hot, but you're cute in like an Anna Paquin sorta way. Or I could say something like, "thanks, but I have a lot of work this week and I can't. Maybe another time," 'cause I might just have a lot of work that week. Or maybe I'm just not into you. Or then again, I could say something like, "thanks, that's really nice of you, but I'm just not into dudes." 'Cause I'm just not into dudes, sorry.

But who knows, try it and see.

Until Next Time,

Aaron

FOOTNOTES FOR THE UNINFORMED (that's right, they're back)

- The proprietors of this site do not actually advocate the purchase by any Pomeranian by anyone, nor do they have any affiliation with any Pomeranian related programs or the American Kennel Club.

- Urination of any kind into a cup has not occurred at any time while in the apartment.

- Zach Braff is the writer/director/star of the critically acclaimed 2004 film, "Garden State," and currently stars on NBC's hit comedy, "Scrubs." Check your local listings for availability in your area.

- Anna Paquin, star of stage and screen, has appeared in such box office hits as "The Piano," "25th Hour," as well as both "X-men" and "X-2", and, the of course the most widely regarded, 1999's most celebrated triumph, "She's All That."

- No goats were harmed in the making of this post.

*This line contains material inspired by Adi Helfer.

An Open Letter to Destiny’s Child

Dear Destiny’s Child,

Please stop jerking me around. You claim to no longer be together, yet just tonight I saw you performing on the ESPY’s. I can’t take this constant on again, off again relationship. Sometimes you’re putting out chart topping, timeless hits like “Bills Bills Bills” and “Survivor”, but then other times you’re bickering worse than Paris and Nicole. So before I invest any more in this relationship than I already have (time, money, concert tickets, not to mention hours upon hours of dancing around to “Independent Woman” in my pj's), I need to know where this is going. After all this time together, I think you owe me that much.

Sincerely,

Aaron

PS - bug-a-boo.

The (Not So) Real World…

I’m not such a big fan of so-called “reality television.” The main reasons for this are threefold:

1. Most people on reality television are ugly.
a. The innate brilliance of TV is that we can filter out the unattractive that we are forced to confront in our everyday lives, instead viewing a higher standard of beauty than we otherwise are unable to attain… Reality TV corrupts this outlet for escapism and beauty by slamming me with more ugly, instead of constraining it to its proper TV conduits, such as CBS News.

2. Most people on reality television are dumb.
a. Dictionary.com defines dumb as the following: adj 1: slow to learn or understand; lacking intellectual acuity; Conspicuously unintelligent; stupid.
i. In other words, anyone who appears on reality TV.

3. Most reality shows today reward the contestants for a profession they would otherwise not be able to achieve…
a. …There is a reason for this. See #2…

That being said, I love “The Real World.”

For the latest installment of the series, “Real World MCMXLXVI,” MTV has chosen such an international city, it’s hard to believe they never thought of it before. That’s right: Austin, Texas. Home of… Well, you get the idea.

But enough with the smarmy. In reality (get it? Reality… Reality TV?? Ok, sorry, I’ll stop) MTV could not have picked a better place to host Fantasy Island.

And that’s what this show has become. Somewhere along the way, maybe it was in between the amazing Hawaiian pad, or the pimped out Louisiana Mansion (who can say for sure), this show stopped being “The Real World” and started being Fantasy Land. Which got me thinking…

“This is the true story of Seven Strangers, picked to live in a house, work together and have their lives taped to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.”

There are several problems with this slug line, so I went ahead and revamped it. After careful consideration, this is what I came up with:

“This is the formulaic edited footage of four to six very attractive kids, along with one to three less attractive kids, selected from a vat of thousands of submission tapes and interviews who were lucky enough to be given the opportunity to live in an out-of-this-world house (only with no bedroom doors), rent free for five months, be given jobs that they can then complain about together while having it all recorded for a television audience who they will inevitably play up to the camera for by getting in seemingly arbitrary fights and engaging in multiple hook-ups and possible orgies… to see what happens when people start being polite and start being real (hot).”

Yes, granted, it’s not quite as snappy, but certainly way more descriptive and meaningful, and most importantly, accurate. And from what could be taken from the first episode, it looks like this cast will definitely provide tons of that.

For starters, this cast of seven includes one of the hottest girls ever to grace the cameras of “The Real World,” who also, as luck would have it (I’m sure MTV had no idea) is a self-proclaimed nymph, who enjoys prancing around the house in her underwear (what are the chances?!?)

In addition to hot-nymph, there is hot-in-a-mysterious-way-foreign-girl (a character that has been marginalized by the show in recent years, and I for one and happy to see back). She provides a nice, more seemingly attainable to the masses (though actually not) hotness to the show, while also adding the girl-who-will-get-in-inane-fights-when-drunk component. She’s truly dynamic in this way.

If that wasn’t enough, there’s also sane-black-dude-whose-patients-will-constantly-be-tried-by-his-crazy-mostly-white-roomates. It took all of one episode for this to occur. He was asked by hot-mysterious-foreign-girl to watch our for her when she drinks, which he did, then got physically attacked by her alto ego, girl-who-will-get-in-fights-when-drunk, at which point he tried to diffuse the situation by leaving the bar, which resulted in two of his smashed roommates making a vain attempt to find him, only to get in a fight with about 10 locals outside the bar, which concluded in them blaming him for the beating they received (this also gave us one of the top 10 all time greatest faces in real world history, where you could almost read sane-black-guy’s thoughts: I can’t even believe they are blaming this on me. Maybe I’m misunderstanding… Nope, they’re really blaming it on me. And I can’t get mad at them, because if I do, I’ll be perpetuated as a counter-productive stereotype. Damn.)

But girls, don’t fret. You also have eye-candy, in the Abercrombie-model-frat-boy-with-the-heart-of-gold-construction-worker-whose-as-easy-on-the-eyes-as-he-is-on-your-heart. (And he’s from Boston! The accent melted my heart…)

Most of this drama between characters, meanwhile, will take place in the most ridiculously amazing house the show has ever been set it (which is saying a lot). I’m not going to go into details. Let’s just say there is 25 foot illuminated cowboy that welcomes them into the home; and a hot tub, AND a pool, and I think I saw a vomitorium…

At this point, you might be asking, “Aaron, why is it you love this show then?” To which I say, wow, you’re still reading this? I stopped writing it after paragraph two and let my helper monkey type the rest… Luckily, I’ve instructed Mr. Chips to tell you why I love “The Real World.”

It may seem from the above statements that I would have to love the show in spite of the previous notes. But in fact, it’s the opposite. (And besides, we all know you can’t love something in spite of something. You can only love things for what they are! Jeez, did we not learn ANYTHING from “The Wedding Singer”???) I love it BECAUSE of all those things. I love that it’s theater. I love that it’s staged. I love that drama is played up to ridiculous levels. I love that the cast inevitably becomes the same character set that we see every season on the show. They’re not there to get a job. They’re not for some contest. They’re not there to learn how to be something. They are there for one sole purpose: to entertain us. And THAT, truly, is keeping it real… (hot).

Everybody's Working for the Weekend

Well kids, we've made it through another work week… Unless you're reading this late, like, say on Monday or Tuesday, or you're a college student who's home for the summer eating potato chips in your underwear while lying on the coach in your parents house. To the former, a big sorry, you're fucked, and to the later, a big fuck you.

But enough gratuitous profanity. For this entry, we review my week that was:

CELEBRITY CITING OF THE WEEK: Eric Nies

This doesn't really count as a full-fledged celebrity citing, as Nies is not a real celebrity, but rather a pseudo d-list celebrity manufactured by MTV (but Pseudo-d-list-manufactured-celebrity citing of the week is too long a title). In any event, I did happen to see Eric at the Whole Foods in Union Square this past week. He was wearing a bandana and sweatshirt, but was missing his trademark jump-rope. So, I went over to Eric and said, “Dude, where's your jump-rope?” To which Eric replied, “That's not funny, man. I don't know. I think Coral stole it.” To which I then said, “well what if I told you I had it right here?”
At which point I reached into my pants and pulled a jump-rope out of my boxers. Apparently, Eric was not as amused by this as I would have thought, and proceeded to strangle me with the jump-rope for the next 10 minutes, until I finally got him to stop when I offered to try and help him jumpstart his “recording career.” (*Editor's note - some of the above stated events my in fact be exaggerated and/or falsified. By some, we mean everything after the word “bandana.”)

MUSIC NEWS:

I was reading the Daily Californian Online, as I do everyday (because, come on, what Boston-transplant-who-lives-in-New York doesn't?) when I came across an interesting article on a recent Bruce Springsteen concert from last week in Oakland:

When Bruce Springsteen descended on the Oakland
Paramount Theatre last Thursday, to the howls and
cheers of his apostles, he issued his first
commandment of the night: “Turn the cell phones off,
'cause I don't want to charge through the crowd with a
chainsaw; and try not to clap, or you'll throw off my
already tenuous sense of time.” With that, Springsteen
began a night of incredible intimacy with the fans who
have come to see him as the Messiah of a reborn rock.

And what a night of intimacy it must have been. I mean, what's more intimate than The Boss cutting off your hands with a chain saw while you try to shut off your cell phone that accidentally was set on “clap” instead of “silent.” (Clap feature only availably on Nokia 7503.5 version phones; offer not good in Alaska or Hawaii; no purchase necessary; void where prohibited; Nokia employees not allowed to participate; product may not actually exist.)

OBSCURE DISCOVERED LAW OF THE WEEK:

The City of Boston apparently has a law on the books from 1675 that requires the arrest of Native Americans who enter the city. Though the law is technically still is on the books, it has not been enforced for some time, much like Boston's law that Priests can't have sex with little boys… wait…. Hmmmm…

HAIKU OF THE WEEK:

Double H Parkway
Retaining wall collapses
Tom Delay blames Gays

DOS AND DON'TS FOR GRADUATING SENIORS:

o Do run naked.
o Don't run naked until you actually have your diploma in hand. Some schools frown upon this.
o Do bring a lighter to graduation.
o Don't light your diploma on fire. They won't give you another one.
o Do shake hands with the Chancellor.
o Don't urinate on the Chancellor… at least not until after you have received your diploma.
o Do wave your cap in the air.
o Don't wave your penis. No one wants to see this. Not even the girls, or gay dudes.
o Do decorate your cap and gown.
o Don't decorate your cap and gown with asbestos.
o Do celebrate with alcohol.
o Don't celebrate with Milwaukee's Best Light (unless you're at UMass, then do what you gotta do).

CONGRATS GRADS!

Until next time,

- Aaron

New Old Hats, Bats, Spats, and cute furry cats (sorry, no cats)

So by now, most of you have visited the new website I’m writing for. And if you haven’t, I just want you to know that I’m not angry with you, just very disappointed. In any event, some (no one really) have probably been wondering what that means for my “blog” site. Let me reassure you, I will keep it. After all, you don’t throw away your children (unless you are enslaved under a pharaoh’s rule in Biblical Egypt). It will just be that child I love a little less (that’s right kids, no one loves their children equally. Your parents have been lying to you. Now go seek therapy to deal with your mental complex. Insert shameless promotion for www.bgsp.edu. Mom and Dad, you now owe me advertising fees…)

Much like that less loved kid, this page will be filled with hate, spite, expository dribble, and will seemingly never shut up. But it serves its purpose nonetheless: To spew the random thoughts which fly through my head during the course of the day, and reflect on my exciting adventures as I travel the country (NY and MA) on my giant tour vehicle (Peter Pan bus).

For instance, this past weekend brought me to the magical land of Amherst, MA, and the University of Massachusetts. UMass and New York City are actually quite similar. In New York, the streets smell of garbage, urine and alcohol. In Amherst, that’s what the dorms smell like (zing). Anyway, the most exciting part of visiting Amherst was buying a new Red Sox hat. I happened to be in Newbury Comics, when I stumbled upon an MLB collector’s classic Sox hat, complete with authentic “flex fit” elastic, just like they wore in the old days! Because that’s what’s Major League Baseball is about: authenticity, and making sure to preserve the purity of the game… (Too many jokes… Head exploding….can’t type fast enough… blah!)

Speaking of hats, did anyone happen to catch the hat Curt Schilling was wearing during his Disabled List press conference last week? Well I did. It was “Everquest II.” You gotta respect a man who sticks up for what he believes in: curing A.L.S., George W. Bush, and Everquest.

Schilling’s been the man with sound-bites lately. First the Everquest, I mean DL press conference, then his comments on Lou Piniella. Here’s my take on Schilling’s comments: Schilling called him an idiot. Generally, I would find this to be inappropriate and inarticulate, however, Schilling and the Sox also refer to themselves as idiots, to the extreme extent that it is the title of Johnny Damon’s new book (the title of MY new book? “Indigestion.”) so I don’t really know if that’s a complimentary or derogatory. But the one thing that Schilling surely got right here was singling out Lou Piniella. The Sox and D-Rays have been brawling for about four years now. The only constant over this time has been sweet Lou. Come one people. Then he goes and makes excuses like “our pitchers are young… they’re learning how to pitch inside.” Gaaaaa??? This is Major League Baseball!!!!! Not Little League!!!!! Why has no one else commented on this?!?!?!! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thud…..
Please excuse us. We’re experiencing technical difficulties. We’ll return in a moment…

Sorry. I’m ok. I ran into a wall and fell over, and then had to be restrained. But I’m ok now. Anywho, I’ve been heavily sedated, and am going to go pick some flowers and ogle shiny objects in windows. To end this entry, I will leave you with a SUPER SEMI-EXCLUSIVE transcript of my appearance on the award-winning UMass Sports Sunday from this past weekend.

UVC Sports Sunday Confessions:

- Many people think that APP is an acronym for Aaron Perlman-Price. That’s just a coincidence. It actually stands for After Party Poacher. That’s right. I love poached eggs after a night of partying.

- Remember slap bracelets? I created those.

- Most people are aware of my love for both sports and comedy. So it should be no surprise to anyone when I say my true love is… Estelle Getty. I love you Estelle.

Until next time…

- Aaron

Office Musings

AMBITION:

Someday, I'd like to write and produce the first great TV show about college.
And it wouldn't be a sitcom,
It'd be a comedy.
I would do it somewhat in the style of Sex in the City
Where the college plays a role unto itself
Like the city did for that show
And I'm make it 4 years…
Maybe 5 because of the way things seem to be going with graduation these days
Cap it at 5 though
And then some Hollywood Guy would be like, "well we can follow the characters on, Grad School and what not"
And I'd be like, "that's not the show"
"The show is about college"
And then he'd be like; "well we can do this with you or without you"
I'd be like, "no you can't"
And then I’d pull out the rights to the show, which I'd negotiated in my original contract
And he'd be like; "well I'll by them from you"
And then I'd be like, "sorry no way"
And then he'd be like, "what about 12 million dollars"
And I'd be like, "ok"
Because everyone has a price.


PUNK ROCK MANIFESTO:

UdownWithAPP: I try to do one punk thing every day
UdownWithAPP: just to maintain my rep
FuscachiPegasus: if u show up at work from taking the subway and dont take ur headphones off till ur sitting down then ur money
FuscachiPegasus: really u just have to walk in with them on
UdownWithAPP: see that's really my problem
UdownWithAPP: I've been taking them off right before I pass through the threshold
FuscachiPegasus: its only natural i do the same
FuscachiPegasus: the coolest thing i saw was at the newbury comics in boston in harvard square
FuscachiPegasus: people wearing them while browsing the store
FuscachiPegasus: so punk


WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?:

Adam Levine, singer of Maroon5: "People hated Creed. They don't hate us. At worst, they just don't really like us. Creed ... had that attitude, they pontificated about how great they were, they had a horribly generic band. They were easy to hate and we're just, you know, easy to disregard."

Ranting and Raving (a manifesto)

I would like to hire a hot female intern

And then have a sleazy office affair

And then get sued for sexual harassment

Then go through a long arduous drawn out court case

In which I claim it was consensual

And she claims she was threatened with the loss of her job

But the case will be broken wide open

When I play tapes from the alleged nights in question

That I secretly recorded

BUT

She will then claim the tapes are inadmissible because she was not informed of the recording

AT WHICH TIME

I will present photographic evidence of pictures I took of the disclaimer I had posted in the room

WHICH READ:

"The use of and/or recording by audio and/or visual equipment may be present on this premises. Please be advised"

AS A RESULT

All of the charges will dropped.

FOLLOWED BY

My issuing of a triumphant statement against fraudulent and exploitive lawsuits, and the problem with the legal system in this country.

I would like to thank Selina Ellis for her help on material included in this entry.

Killing in the name of... (Jesus and Seafood)

I’ve come to develop a routine when I wake up in the morning before work, which consists more or less of the following:

1. Harshly awaken to the buzzing sound of alarm clock. Shut off, go back to bed.
2. Harshly awaken to the ringing sound of cell phone alarm. Shut off, lay in bed.
3. Scratch myself.
4. Throw off covers, stumble up, turn on TV.
5. Hear story on either
1. Terri Schiavo or
2. a school shooting.
6. Shower
7. Come out to hear story on
1. Terri Schiavo or
2. A school shooting
1. Depending on what they chose to run first that day

If this news media is a reflection of our society, one would have to believe that we are a nation of death. This would explain the heightened cases of gothic behavior, as well as the increasing mainstream popularity of the band Interpol (however, the popularity of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy remains a mystery). The one decision left to the media these days? Which story to run first. I’ll take school shootings for 100!

Our latest school shooting takes place way up north in Minnesota, site of debatably the coldest (temperature wise) school attack in recent memory, where we have another tragic story of a teen going on a murderous shooting spree in his high school, killing ten, including himself, and injury several others (to the surprise of many adults, the teen had expressed no interest in gothic culture or Interpol). Now in the past, we usually had about a one to two week period of mourning before we started in with the usual patronizing “how do we make sure this doesn’t happen again.” This talk is fabulous, and conservatives love it, because it never changes (however, they do not love my use of the word “fabulous”). We always end up focusing on the event, and not the cause. Sure enough, that happened quickly this time. I was watching a cable news network this morning, because I like to watch something trite that you don’t have to think about when I get up. This morning, I was greeted by a man who was explaining the steps we can take to prevent another massacre such as this. Naturally, I expected to hear talk of counseling, therapy, taking more of an interest in America’s youth and making sure we care for our kids. But that type of pussy thinking really belongs in Canada.

The Man instead went into a five-step checklist, itemizing the steps we should take in making our schools safer. At this time, let us take a look at this list:

1. A Distinctive Alarm – He stated that this alarm should be different from other alarms, so people know just what sort of emergency to prepare for (and of course by prepare, I mean shit their pants). I think this is an excellent point, because there is a difference between the way I goof off during the fire drill, and the way I fuck-around during a shooting drill. Really, we should have a 3-alarm system: One alarm for shootings, another for fire, and a third for that lucky male student in each school who’s banging his teacher.
2. Creative Exiting – Another task our schools have failed to make use of. The students really must be taught this, which includes jumping out of windows, climbing through air ducts, and the highly misunderestimated tunneling out of the building via the use of a spoon, a la Shawshank Redemption.
3. Cover and Conceal – Reminiscent of the days of 1950’s bomb drills when children would hide under their desks to protect themselves from the onslaught of nuclear war-fare. But while hiding under a desk may work for nuclear war, it’s certainly not going to save you from a peer with a gun, jeez! So instead, the Man has suggested hiding behind a car. BUT, take note. You must hide behind the FRONT of the car. That way, the engine block will protect you from the tears of lead dispensed from Hitler McNofriends.
4. Give the Security Guard a Gun – Obviously. This goes without saying. Because the best way to solve a problem aided by an over accessibility of the unqualified to have guns is to, what else, give out more guns. In this respect, I think we should also give serious thought to arming our mall security.
5. How to React – The children must no that even though a murderous rampage is taking place, there are still rules for decorum. For instance, while jumping out a second story window, do so calmly and quietly, one by one, in an organized fashion.

Unfortunately, school shootings are not getting the undivided attention the killers so badly craved as a result of years of shunning by their parents. This is due mainly by America’s unrelenting commitment to help the disabled (did I just say that?)

But Terri Schiavo needs no introduction. At this point, you don’t even have to own a TV to hear about Terri Schiavo. If you open your window, you can hear members from all political backgrounds expertly debate and formulate arguments regarding a woman who they don’t know and will never meet. But that won’t stop us from putting her on the cross for our respected causes!

Speaking of putting people on the cross, it appears Mel Gibson, silently stewing in a creamy broth of frustration, has decided to take it upon himself to be somewhat of an Anti-Clint Eastwood, finding his own Million Dollar Baby. Only in this case, Gibson will rewrite the ending the way Jesus would have intended it. From the classy and hollowed ground of Drago’s Seafood Restaurant, Gibson penned a statement in which he pledged his support for Terri’s parents. Interestingly enough, although Gibson found it prudent to take the initiative to get up and say something with a mouth full of crab cakes, he apparently could not devote the same time to spell checking the name of the girl he was supporting. But, we are none of us perfect. In another fascinating coincidence, both Jesus and Terri have people who, though they have had no actual contact with them, have taken it upon themselves to speak on their behalf. OOOOOhhhh. Spooky isn’t it?? I smell Oscar®……

Putting aside all our differences for the sake of ending this entry, I think Mel, Terri, Clint, Jesus, Angry Teen and School Shooting Prevention Guy can all agree on one thing: Soledad O’Brien is really hot.

Until Next Time...

Footnotes for the Uninformed:

1. Terri Schiavo is a woman whose heart temporarily stopped in 1990 as a result of the battle with an eating disorder, sending her into a “permanent vegetative state,” in which she has remained since. Similar conditions have been recognized to occur as a result of watching excessive amounts of “Will & Grace.”
1. Side-note* - If I hear the phrase “permanent vegetative state” one more time, I’m going to take a permanent vegetative shit right on top of the television.
2. Misunderestimated, though not actually a word, was made popular by The President of the United States. See also: Nucular, Irregardless.
3. “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” is a show where five fabulous gay men are brought in to fix up a straight man, usually for the assumed benefit of his female counterpart (because who knows more about pleasing women than gay men).
4. “Fabulous” is a word that has been annexed by the homosexual community, such as queer, gay, and Rafael.
5. Interpol is a band whose members and fans alike seem to have a pension for dressing in gothic attire (interestingly enough, their music rocks)
6. Canada is the country that borders us to the North. Their Royal Canadian Mounted Police are fabulous dressers.
7. Million Dollar Baby was the Academy Award winner for Best Picture this year, proving what a down year it was for cinema.
8. Soledad is an anchor for the CNN morning show.
   
9. Jesus is our Lord and Savior

HEY YOU! YEAH, YOU, SMELLY! MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD! POST A COMMENT ON "THE SOCK." IT JUST MIGHT END UP ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR WITH SAID FOOT GARMENT!

Don't Call it a Comeback (it's Madness!)

So I’ve decided to resurrect my journal/blog/slam-book/memoirs/rotisserie-roaster. Whatever you want to call it, it’s back, yet again. It has now been resurrected more times than Jesus. And of course by that, I am referring to the rock group Jesus Jones. How long will “the sock” be with us this time around? Who knows? It probably really depends on how bored I get, and how much free time I maintain at work. But that’s the excitement of “the sock.” You never know where or when it’s going to turn up next; Kind of like Jesus (Jones).

I’ve been kicking around several possible topics for the comeback entry for weeks now, but none seemed to make it through to fruition (fruition: to complete, not to make a smoothie). But one topic grabbed me and shook me like a British au pair, with enough force to finally push me over the e-logging hump. That topic? March Madness!!

That’s right! The same category that spawned a flurry of entries at this same time last year has done it once again without fail! Let me set the scene for you…

It’s about 5:55 pm Sunday night. I’m sitting in The Room Formally Known as (my cousin) Lisa’s Room, where I have been taking up residence while looking for an apartment in NY. Alas, while there seems to be an abundance of pregnant women looking for roommates, nothing has quite struck my fancy, and my price range, as of yet (but that is another story for another day. Back to the Madness!)

So as I said, it’s 5:55 pm, and I’m playing video games, when all of a sudden I get the uncontrollable urge to change the channel to CBS (never in my life did I think I would ever scribe this phrase). Sure enough, I’m greeted by the face of Greg Gumble, who is accompanied by the loveable Clark Kellogg and the incomprehensible “Seth Davis of Sports Illustrated” (apparently this is now his legal name, and he must be referred to as such at all times).
Side note – did anyone else notice at the Oscars® last month that the announcer added an adjective to everyone’s name who she called to the stage? For instance, “the loveable Mike Myers” was one. Who got to decide these? Next year, in an attempt to make the Oscars® more interactive, I think the audience should be able to particpate in an online vote to determine these titles. Then next year we could be lucky enough to hear such beauties as “the humorless Sean Penn” or “the skeletal Clint Eastwood” and, with the aid of a comeback role, “the cosmetically-augmented Morgan Fairchild.”

Anyway, after a quick commercial break (I’m waiting for Dave Chappelle to copyright that phrase), CBS kicks off its annual Selection Show at 6 pm. And we’re off to a blazing start, with Greg Gumble mispronouncing the word “studio” twice. Remarkable! The generally unflappable Gumble fumbles the lead in! But it’s a great metaphor for college basketball. That’s the kind of year it’s been. You never know what is going to happen. But I give credit to Gumble, who acknowledged his mistake in a clever and witty way. If only the Knicks could get Isaiah Thomas to do this…

My first “son-of-a-bitch, how-the-hell-did-that-happen?” Moment of the night? Georgia Tech getting a 5 seed in the Albuquerque bracket (the equivalent of the NFL calling superbowl XXXIX “the Jacksonville bowl”). Let's review: G Tech is a bubble team entering the ACC tournament. They get to the finals of the conference tourney, before losing to Duke. And this garners them a 5 seed??? This means the committee is deaming them a top 20 team. Is there anyone who still believes the committee is not taking into account last year’s performances???

It’s said at the top of the Show that Illinois is the number 1 seed overall, yet UNC gets to play the winner of the “play-in” game. After watching Cold Pizza this morning, it’s explained that this is for scheduling purposed only. So Illinois gets # 1, but denied their due as such? I will now refer to this as the “Arrested Development” clause.

Jim Nantz, while excusing himself for using hyperbole (that’s a first), calls the Syracuse Bracket “one of the greatest brackets ever.” Nantz then went on to call the Michael Jackson jury, “the greatest group of jurors ever assembled,” and the hot dogs in the Worcester Centrum to be “the most mouth-watering piece of lard ever made.” Nantz was then served with a lawsuit by the attorney for Donald Trump.

Sports Illustrated’s “slippery-when-wet” Seth Davis closes the show in defense of Indiana, who Davis says should have made the tournament, claiming, “what happens in the conference is what’s most important.” On the heels of that statement, St. Joseph’s coach Phil Martelli announced that his team would play all 31 of their games next year against A-10 opponents.

The overall most hilarious moment of the night was when Boston College was revealed as a 4 seed. CBS subsequently cuts live to the dining hall at BC, where a clearly ticked Al Skinner sits with his arms tightly crossed, flanked by the sulking members of his squad, while a lone student in the background applauds the bid. Make a mental note: this is the mark by which all future awkward claps should be measured.

Though there were no championship calibre Billy Packer moments this year, like last years benchmark war of words with Phil Martelli, there were some classic Parker head-scratching moments. My favorite? When Packer trumped up Southern Illinois, saying the Salukis were a dangerous team that could move deep into the tournament, and then immediately followed that up by saying Oklahoma St, a #2 seed, could have easily been a #1, and is a great team going to the Sweet 16. In case you didn’t know, Southern Illinois and Oklahoma St. are slated to play each other in the second round, thus making Packer’s predictions, um, lets say difficult. But I enjoy that no one questions Packer’s seemingly contradictory comments. He’s achieved the same standing in the media as President Bush. I don’t know which feat is more remarkable.

Sadly, the Selection Show had to come to an end, as this entry must too (maybe less sadly. Actually, I think they are equally sad performances. Take that as you will). I don’t know what’s worse, having to wait another year for the next Selection Show, or having to wait four days for the tourney to begin. Until then, I’ll be filling out my brackets with Jesus (Jones)...