AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR...

Where is Kirsten Gillibrand Hiding Her Guns?!?






Nonelected-Senator Kirsten Gillibrand revealed this week that she keeps two unloaded rifles under her bed. When asked what she is using the guns to protect herself from, Gillibrand responded, "Higher office."

A spokesperson for the senator added that since revealing this information to the public, the guns "will be moved for security reasons."

No word yet on where the senator is considering storing her rifles now, but she was overheard to have said "you can bet it won't be under the bed again! Seriously, they won't be there, so you shouldn't even look there. Especially if you've broken into my home. Because they won't be there, I can tell you that much. And also I definitely don't keep a handgun in my pillow, or a deringer in my handbag."

In a related story, Plaxico Burress was found banging his head against a wall. When asked to comment, he stated he no longer plans to keep his guns on his dining room table and kitchen counter at home, adding "I didn't realize you could hide them."

Nonelected-Senator Gillibrand was appointed to fill former Senator Hillary Clinton's vacant senate seat by Nonelected-Governor David Paterson. Mayor Michael Bloomberg is said to be considering an attempt to make the appointments permanent. When told he doesn't have jurisdiction over that part of government, Bloomberg responded, "we'll see about that."

UNDECIDED NO MORE

Attention all undecided voters:

You've been patiently waiting for the candidates to speak to you, to give you something you can definitively wrap your head around, to comment on an issue so important to the future of our nation that you just can not bring yourself to decide on a candidate until you know where each stands.

Well fear not! Because last night, Barack Obama and John McCain took to the hallowed political ground of Monday Night Football to answer the greatest question plaguing our country: what is the one thing they would change in sports?

Barack Obama continued his platform of change we can believe in, as he proclaimed, "I think it is about time that we had playoffs in college football. I'm fed up with these computer rankings and this and that and the other... Get eight teams -- the top eight teams right at the end. You got a playoff. Decide on a National Champion."

Bold move, senator, but one I can respect. I appreciate your dedication to taking on the corporations, to fight against the BCS and the television networks and conference revenue streams to try to give us, the people, a National Champion that we can all feel good about. And if that means asking a small well-to-do portion of teams and sponsors to spead the wealth around a little, so be it.

John McCain was equally impressive, pushing his commitment to not flinching in the face of adversity, stating he would "take significant action to prevent the spread and use of performance-enhancing substances. I think it's a game we're going to be in for a long time. What I mean by that is there is somebody in a laboratory right now trying to develop some type of substance that can't be detected and we've got to stay ahead of it. It's not good for the athletes. It's not good for the sports. It's very bad for those who don't do it, and I think it can attack the very integrity of all sports going all the way down to high school."

I admire your consistancy, other senator. It's that old edict of preventative war. We must fight them over there so we don't have to fight them here. We know that those scientists have steroids hidden in those labs. If we want to prevent the proliferation of steroids, we have to get into those labs, with a tactical, bipartisan approach, and destroy everything that is in them, while we waterboard the scientists until they tell us how they made the drugs and how to stop it. We can't let the scientists win.

So, that's it. You now know EVERYTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THESE CANDIDATES IN ORDER TO MAKE A DECISION. Go forth and do your civic duty. Oh and if you get a chance, vote, too.

AMERICA, FUCK YEAH

In honor of tonight's Vice Presidential debate - which is sure to be an epic battle of policy and political theory that will remembered for centuries - I thought it would be fun to take a look back at some of the more exceptional moments from Vice Presidential debates past. Please enjoy the following video, and bear my shameless self-promotion.