Lost thoughts from a lost weekend

Tim McCarver had some interesting thoughts during Saturday’s Yankees/Red Sox tangle. Early in the game, he took exception with Fox corporate sponsor Burger King for claiming David Ortiz’s “hot zone” was middle-up. McCarver claimed that Ortiz’s true danger area for opposing pitchers was actually low. What I found most interesting about this is that the “hot zone” is a mathematical break-down of 9 areas in and around the strike-zone. So really what McCarver was disputing here was math, not The Home of the Whopper.

McCarver followed up this whopper (puns!) by stating late in the game that he believed the majority of Red Sox fans were staying around in what he seemed to think was a already decided baseball game just for the chance to see Alex Rodriguez POSSIBLY make the last out in the 9th to end the game (which didn’t even end up happening). I’m not sure where McCarver spends most of his time (although I’m willing to bet it’s not watching baseball), but in Boston, people actually tend to stay until the END of the game. It’s something that kind of goes along with being a baseball fan.

WHAT I THINK PROBABLY HAPPENED IN THE 45 MINUTE YANKEE TEAM MEETING

Team members are seated around the room. They have all repositioned their chairs to face towards each other as opposed to their usual direction facing their own lockers. There is a dull hum of ambient chatter. Joe Torre enters.

TORRE: Alright, let’s get this going.

Torre signals towards the back of the room where Melky Cabrera is seated next to a CD player marked “AMBIENT CHATTER”. Melky presses the STOP button. The room becomes eerily quiet.

The awkward silence continues for approximately three more minutes until Derek Jeter decides to step up.

JETER: I've been a Yankee for my entire career. This is all that I know. For me, baseball IS the Yankees. And the Yankees are baseball. Right now, we're not playing baseball the way it should be played, which also means we're not being Yankees the way we're supposed to be Yankees.

Jorge Posada rises from his seat and walks over to join Jeter.

POSADA: I've been a Yankee my entire career as well. It means pride, determination, will, and support. It means never letting your team down and knowing they'll do the same for you. It means playing baseball at the very highest level it can be played. And I KNOW that everyone in this room is capable of doing that.

From seemingly out of nowhere, Alex Rodriguez suddenly appears flanking both Posada and Jeter.

A-ROD: I've been a Yankee for almost four whole years. In many ways, I feel like I've been a Yankee all my life.

JOHNNY DAMON: Me too!

Posada and Jeter each raise an eye, but both try and shake it off.

POSADA: I think what Alex means is that no matter where we've come from, we're all Yankees, and we've all always wanted to be Yankees.

Seated next to Bobby Abreu toward the back of the room, Scott Proctor slaps a magazine out of Abreu's hands.

ABREU: Hey I was reading that!

PROCTOR: Well knock it off! This is important.

ABREU: Like intentionally throwing at a hitter when you have two strikes on him?

Proctor gives Abreu a menacing look.

Elsewhere in the room, Carl Pavano stands up.

PAVANO: I've been a Yankee for...

Pavano begins to count on his fingers, adding and subtracting.

PAVANO: Well, officially two and a half years, although I missed all of 2006... Actually, I should probably introduce myself. My name is Carl Pavano. I've missed quite a lot of time here due to injury, but I hope to turn that all around... hopefully starting next year, when I come back from Tommy John surgery.

Hideki Matsui taps Andy Pettitte on the shoulder.

MATSUI: Who is that?

PETTITTE: I'm not really sure, I think he said Sal Fasano? But he's missing the facial hair...

MATSUI (confused): Who are you?

At the back of the room, Proctor and Abreu continue to scuffle.

PROCTOR: You best watch out or you just might see a ball up near YOUR head.

Doug Mientkiewicz takes a knee next to Proctor.

MIENTKIEWICZ (whispering): I have a ball you can use if you need.

Mientkiewicz pulls a game-used ball from his back pocket. It faintly says "2004 World Series"

MIENTKIEWICZ: I carry it around with me at all times.

Mientkiewicz looks shiftily from side to side, as if he's being watched.

Back at the front of the room, A-Rod and Jeter have started to exchange words of their own, as Jorge Posada tries helplessly to quell the two.

A-ROD: Maybe if you'd just accept me like the Yankees fans have, things might start to get a little better!

JETER: It's not always all about you, Alex.

A-ROD: You're right. It's not just me. I mean I couldn't put up the tremendous stats that I do without the strong supporting cast I have here in this clubhouse. I'm glad to call each and everyone of them a teammate.

Rodriguez then removes a small voice-recorder from his pocket and tosses it into the corner, where his assistant is standing.

A-ROD (to asst.): Give that to the AP.

Leaning against a locker near the exit towards the back, Mariano Rivera puts his head down in disgust, turns and walks out. While he exits, Jason Giambi nervously enters right by him, flicking an empty cannister into the trash. The letters seem awkwardly altered, and the container appears to read, "Homepathic Generic Helper".

GIAMBI: Did I miss anything?

In what has now become a somewhat noisy room, Mike Mussina remains seated, trying to finish his Sudoku puzzle amidst the escalating commotion.

In the middle of the room, Miguel Cairo, Josh Phelps, and Ron Villone have begun arguing over who is the least insignificant member in the room among the three of them. The clamor has come to a head.

TORRE: ENOUGH!

Joe quickly quiets the crowd.

TORRE: Now I've had just about enough of this, and this is going to end right now.

The room quickly returns to a hush, followed by a long pause as Torre stands staring. After a moment, he breaks the silence.

TORRE: Melky, turn the disc back on.

Cabrera pushes the PLAY button on the CD player, and the room returns to an artificially produced calm.