NORTHEAST BIAS

Apparently, there was a Republican debate on YouTube - which is now on TV - the other night. As you might expect with the beginning of primary season drawing near, the questions are becoming more specified and the answers more informative. A prime example is the following clip, which concluded the evening's festivities:



It's nice to see Giuliani step away, if but only for a moment, from his general 9/11 platform and ascend to a new perch; that of World Series architect. I'm already seeing the promises... "if elected, he will deliver a long-awaited World Series Championship to AMERICA." I wonder what the t-shirts would look like...

On another note, former Massachusetts Governor and "resident" Mitt Romney made what appears to be his first easily-identifiable factual error. But I'm sure most Red Sox fans won't catch it. And even if they do, they're certainly not the type to poke fun at such an innocent mistake...

...then again...

BOWLING FOR HOLLYWOOD

If you're confused about the on-going writers strike in the entertainment industry, the following video serves as demonstration of what the two sides are feuding over. If you're not confused about the writers strike, this video serves ice-cold beverages.

THE ONLY THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE HEARD FOLLOWING THE PATS/COLTS GAME

If you live and breath and exist in the world, you've probably already heard everything there is to know regarding the media-dubbed "Super Bowl XLI.v" between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts... EXCEPT for, perhaps, the following items which I've failed to seen mentioned on any post-game coverage, newscast, sports-wrap show, newspaper article, blog, or Monday Morning Toilet Paper (patent pending - it truly is the best way to recap all of Sunday's NFL action while your body recaps your gameday gluttony):

• While everyone and their mother (particularly YOUR mother) was quick to point out how Joseph Addai single handedly tore apart the Pats - 112 rushing yards, 114 receiving - it's worth noting how these totals were achieved. 73 of those receiving yards came on one play (described to death by this point, so I'll save you the trouble or suffering through another). Even more noteworthy, while Addai gained 70 yards on his first 10 rushing attempts, he was able to grind out only 42 yards on his last 16 attempts. I take nothing away from Addai, who was very impressive to watch. However, let us also praise the Patriots defense, particularly the line, who were able to effectively shut down Addai in the second-half in order to put the Pats in a position to make that stellar fourth-quarter comeback.

• In a game where the Colts appeared to dominate the Patriots on the ground, they only ended up out-gaining the Pats by 14 yards - 119 to 105.
  

• Tom Brady looks amazing in crushed velvet.

• If it's possible, it seems like there were even MORE commercials starring Peyton Manning today. I'm not ruling out the possibility that he's filming them during halftime.

---

Now, onto the elephant in the room (which everyone is talking about, so I guess it's really more of the elephant in the circus): Will the Patriots go 16-0?

I'm not going to pretend I'm not intrigued by the possibility. What's even more intriguing is that my response to this question changes depending upon the way it's asked. Confused? So am I. Let me elaborate.

If you ask me, "Will the Patriots go 16-0?" I would be inclined to answer, "No. I do not believe they will. It's likely that they will lose to at least one team over their last seven games." I say this because I believe in giving thorough answers. Also, I believe it to be true when approached in said manner. Statistically and rationally, it's near impossible to go undefeated in the NFL. It's only been done once ('72 Dolphins) for a reason. Furthermore, no team has EVER gone 16-0 ('72 Dolphins played a 14 game schedule).

HOWEVER, if you take this game by game and ask me, "Will the Patriots lose to the Bills, Eagles, Ravens, Steelers, Jets, Dolphins, or Giants?" Using the same common sense as above, I would have to say "no."

That's also true. I can't envision the Patriots losing to any of the teams that remain on their schedule. The Giants and Eagles are good, but only by NFC standards (sorry, but true). The Dolphins should be motivated by the fact that it's their franchise's historic record they'd be protecting, but unless the 25 foot Jason Taylor robot is shipped over from England and plays in that game, motivation will only get them within 25 points. The Jets game will be less of a football game and more of a massacre for the transgressions of Eric Mangini. The Steelers are undoubtedly the best team remaining on the schedule; for whatever reason, this doesn't scare me at all. Maybe it's because they seem to be the same strong team that always loses to the Patriots. In a way, the Steelers are too good for the Pats to lose to them, if that makes any sense. If the Pats are going to lose, it's going to be to somebody who sneaks up on them. Which brings us to the only two games that scare me... The Ravens and the Bills.

Both Baltimore and Buffalo are aided in that they will be at home respectively for these match-ups. They also both have strong running games. They also both have that indefinite upset quality - strong enough to compete but easy enough to overlook (sort of like Secret deodorant).

So to sum up: will the Patriots go 16-0? Probably not; but quite possibly yes. There. I've had my cake and eaten it too. And it was delicious.

[NEVER] LOSING ISIAH

Claiming that during his recent trial his head "never left basketball", Isiah Thomas is considering a new strategy for the upcoming season: being on trial.

It seems that over the course of the three-week legal ordeal, Thomas discovered an ability to achieve a greater focus on basketball than ever before.

"Honestly. my head never left basketball, " Thomas said. "We made sure that we were prepared and I made sure I was prepared and I did everything that I had to do." Thomas claimed this was contrary to all his previous experience, during which time he found it difficult to concentrate and stay lucid.

So in order to continue this new found inspiration, Thomas and the Knicks have decided to keep him on trial. Since Thomas' most recent trial has just concluded, the Knicks are open to any and all new litigation to be brought against their head coach and president of basketball operations.

"Vendors, maintenance staff, knicks' city dancers, whoever!" Knicks' chairman James Dolan said excitedly. "Anything that will put Isiah back in the courtroom we feel will only help our organization."

Thomas is behind the idea 100%. "We came back extremely focused... I just wanted to make sure we stayed focused and keep the team moving." Thomas went on to say if that means he continues being on trial, he's all for it.

If you have a claim to bring against Thomas, you can file it with your lawyer, or directly with the Knicks at IwanttosueIsiah@newyorkknicks.com

DIVISION SERIES PLAYOFF PREVIEW - ALDS

VERSUS

Rejuvenated by a mixture of youth (pictured above) and experience (Clemens), the Yankees were one of the most formidable clubs the second half of the year...

That's all I've got. If everything went as it should, the Indians would win this series. Good pitching always beats good hitting, and Sabathia and Carmona, on paper, should put tribe up 2-0 going back to NY... But that won't happen.

Maybe Joe Borowski will blow a seemingly insurmountable lead; maybe A-Rod will create the five-fun homer. I don't know. But some how, the Indians, much to my dismay, will blow this.

My Prediction: Yanks in four.

DIVISION SERIES PLAYOFF PREVIEW - NLDS

VERSUS

Did you know there was a playoff game this afternoon? See, this is what happens when you have a job - you miss the important things, like game one of the first round of the Division Series. Let this be a lesson to you kids: Never get a job. They just get in the way of Sports, TV, wandering around aimlessly, etc.

Anyway I don't think the fact that one game has already taken place disqualifies me from making an unbiased series prediction.

The Rockies come into this series as baseball's hottest team. They won an incredible 14 of their last 15, and actually came within ONE game of stealing the division title from Arizona - in fact, the Rockies expected win/loss record, as determined by run differential, is actually the best in the NL for the regular season. So, I guess you could technically say they under-achieved.

The Mets are the overwhelming favorite to win the NL. They're polished, talented, imens....
Hold on a sec I'm getting a message...

What's that? The Mets didn't make the playoffs?? Are you f%&$ing kidding me?!? How the F--- is that possible?!?!?! So who made it? HAHAHAHAHA.

I apologize. Before we continue, let me correct the header...

VERSUS

As I was saying, the Phillies improbable climb to NL East Champs reached it's peak on the final day of the season, as their win - coupled with the Mets loss - concluded a span that saw the Phillies gain 7 games in 17 days. Simply remarkable.

Unfortunately for the Phils, they won't have that much time against the Rockies. These two teams match-up fairly evenly on paper. But in reality, the Rockies have one decided advantage: they're not from Philadelphia.

Prediction: Rockies in five. And I swear, the Rockies winning game one did not influence my prediction in any way. If anything, I'm validated by it.

DIVISION SERIES PLAYOFF PREVIEW - NLDS

VERSUS

We all know about the Cubs. Disappointing start, and then they want on a tare in the second half, and finished up about right where they should have been: winners of the NL Central.

The Arizona Diamondbacks are one of the most puzzling teams in recent memory. They are the winners of the National League West - perhaps the most competitive division in baseball this year (with the exception of the Giants) - in addition to possessing the overall best record in the National League. And no one knows how the F%&$ they did it. They were outscored by their opponents on the season. Let me repeat that: THEY WERE OUTSCORED BY THEIR OPPONENTS ON THE SEASON. I can't think of ANY division winner in my humble lifespan that has ever scored less total runs than their opponents and managed to win their division.

The statistical anomaly that is the D-Backs doesn't end there. Arizona is in the bottom half of the NL in just about every conceivable offensive category, including dead last in hits, batting average, on-base percentage, and yearly uniform consistency (that's right folks. It's a joke about how often they change their logo/colors/font).

So how are they doing it? Well, for one, it's pitching. They're fourth in the NL in team ERA. Problem is, Cubs have even better pitching - they're second.

My Prediction: Everything on paper points to the Cubs winning this series... And yet I can't bring myself to pick them. Arizona just keeps winning. And there are two categories that they do actually excel in: triples (first) and one-run games (32-20 - tops in the Majors). I say Arizona out-triples the Cubs, wins three one-run games, and pulls out a three-games-to-two series victory, all while being outscored.

DIVISION SERIES PLAYOFF PREVIEW - ALDS

VERSUS

At the time of this post, the ALDS playoffs will most likely have begun (and almost certainly by the time you're reading it. And if you're reading it at all, God bless you). However, at the time that I'm actually writing this, it's T-minus 49 minutes until the first pitch at Fenway. Which gives me just enough time to present to you an uninfluenced preview of this ALDS match-up.

On first glance, this looks like a simple rematch of the 2004 ALDS, when the Red Sox outperformed the Angels at the end of each game in a Roger Federer-like manner. And though one New England team currently looks to be about as dominant as Federer, it's not the Red Sox.

It's really hard to find a definitive edge for either of these teams. Both come in a little banged-up, both emotionally and physically. By picking the extra early off day, the Sox will most likely avoid seeing Bartolo Colon start in this series, but that's not necessarily a good thing this year, as he's sporting a losing record and a plus-6 era. The Sox are betting that their starting three are better than that of the Angels, but lately, that's not a sure thing. Beckett, Dice-K and Schilling have all been a little shaky, and Lackey, Escobar and Weaver are no slouches (although Escobar struggled down the stretch as well, so who knows). Pitching match-ups are nearly impossible to predict anyway, and more often than not it seems that the opposite of what you think would happen ends up happening (with that logic, I'm picking a pitcher's duel between Dice-K and Escobar in game 2).

My theory? Go with the most under-reported statistic. For this series, it's road record. For the Angels, that's an under-.500 mark. As cliche as it may be, you have to be able to win on the road in the playoffs. For the Angels, that is actually a fact, as they can only see a maximum of two games in Anaheim (or LA, whatever they want to call it now), so they'll have to pull out AT LEAST one in Boston. Easier said than done. The Angels went 4-6 against the Sox this year, and were 2-5 against them at Fenway (and one of those wins was the second game of a double header).

My Prediction: Everyone and their mother is picking the Sox to win this series in four or five. I love my mom. Sox in Four.

I'LL TAKE THINGS THAT END IN "TOBER" FOR $1000

TBS is dubbing it "actober"; NESN has referenced it as "Soxtober"; and New York City cabbies are calling it "that month I'm not gonna work that much".

Whatever you choose to call it, October is here. And along with colder weather and heavier drinking, this month ushers in my favorite events: the Major League Baseball Playoffs . In all sincerity, this looks like it could be a very interesting post-season, and that's not just because Dane Cook is doing the promos. As a result, I'm challenging myself to post NEAR-DAILY entries here, predicting and recapping through the Division, Championship, and World Series.

Will I be able to do it? Absolutely not. If history has taught us anything, it's that I'm a terrible blogger (and a scary beard-grower). But if nothing else, it will hopefully be entertaining to watch me try valiantly and fail spectacularly.

So without further ado, I welcome you to the 2008 MLB playoffs blog!

OLIVE GARDEN

In the ultimate act of contrition and apology, the Mets this week sent out a heartfelt mass-email message to their fan base. Sources say they may be following this up with door-to-door visits by Met interns to random houses in Queens later this week, who will be distributing coupons for hotdogs, available for use with purchase of ticket for any Mets home game next season. However, this is purely speculation.

If you have not yet had the chance to view the Mets concession speech to their fans, I've procured a copy for your viewing pleasure:

AND HERE'S ANOTHER HIT, BARRY BONDS

Barry Bonds record-breaking homerun ball is on the way to the Hall of Fame adorned with an an asterisk, courtesy of Mark Ecko. Also courtesy of Ecko is a new performance-wear t-shirt made especially for Bonds:



Experts predict the shirt to be made available to the public through *ecko unltd. and be on sale at Macy's by Christmas.

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT...

As the 2008 election continues to grow closer (it's a certified fact - it's going to occur eventually), so grows the intensity, relevance, and thought provoking nature of the questions posed to the candidates.

It's for this reason that it comes as no surprise that in the October 9th copy of The Advocate, Senator Hillary Clinton is asked the following question: "How do you respond to the occasional rumor that you're a lesbian?"

What DOES come as surprise is the Senator's response: "It's not true, but it is something that I have no control over."

Bold move from the former First Lady. It's one thing to address your own sexuality on the campaign trail, but it's another to brazenly come out and say that it's something you have no control over...


*UPDATE: Determined not to be overshadowed, embattled Senator Larry Craig said today that "I too am 110% straight, and unlike Senator Clinton, that was a conscious decision... Not that it needed to be, because I've never once had a homosexual thought of any kind, nor do I know anyone of the gay persuasion." Immediately following this comment, Senator Craig paused, then added, "I dig chicks. A LOT."

MIND-FREAK

On the heels of the severely under-reported signal taping scandal, the NFL is currently investigating claims that New England Patriots head Coach Bill Belichick can read minds.

"This matter is still in its preliminary stages," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "The League will reserve comment pending further investigation." It is worth noting that Goodell gave this statement to the press while wearing a protective lead helment on his head. Lead, as is commonly known, is impenetrable to all mind-reading attempts

HOW NOT TO GET TASERED - college edition

Tasering. It's the newest epidemic sweeping our nation. Much like cocaine during the 80's and oversized coffee mugs in the 90's, tasering is becoming harder and harder to avoid. But that doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to fall victim (no pun intended) to this growing fad.

As with any harmful item, the first thing you'll want to do is recognize the problem so you can properly address the issue. There are several warning signs that are associated with tasering that can easily be identified. The following is a partial list of tasing symptoms you should be aware of:

• Uncontrollable muscle twitching
  
• Momentary paralysis
  
• Abdominal pain
  
• Incontinence
  
• fever
  
• nausea
  
• hunger
  
• dry mouth
  
• restless leg
  
• sweaty palms
  
• general fatigue
  
• depression
  
• An increase of high-voltage low-current electrical current pulsing through your body
  

At the onset of any of these symptoms, you should immediately contact your physician. It's possible you are about to be, are being, or in extreme cases, were tasered.

But fear not. There are a number of things you can do yourself to prevent being tasered. Here are six easy things that you can do to keep you clean and out of harms way:

1. Don't Say things like "don't tase me bro"

Evidence shows this tends to lead to immediate tasering.

2. Stay out of lecture halls

Voice safety concerns to your local campus administration. They will most likely excuse you from class. If you go to UMass, just continue not going to class as you normally would.

3. Don't carry your baby through hospital corridors

Instead, conceal your baby in the new porous American Eagle™ brand Baby Bag. In lieu of the Baby Bag, your gym bag will suffice.

4. Carry your own taser

Studies reveal that carrying a taser on you at all times increases your safety level by 17%, and reduces your risk of getting tased by 35% - similar to carrying handguns.

BUT BEWARE! Should you become involved in an altercation in which you are battling another person with a taser, be careful not to cross the streams (see Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters 2).

5. Build a moat around your home

Moats limit the amount of people who have access to your residence, which in turn will limit your opportunity to be tased. *Note - the effectiveness of this method is dependent upon the amount of time you spend in your home in addition to the number of people in your household who own tasers.

6. Avoid places where people are inclined to cheer for your tasing

See below...

HANDLE WITH CARE

*Note - This blog post was originally scheduled to air on Monday, July 2. Thanks to a limited internet connection and an abundance of time at the beach, its publishing was delayed. The management wishes to apologize for this delay, and encourages you to mentally travel back to a simpler time, like Monday, July 2nd, while reading this post...*


Tired of talk of Paris Hilton? Don't want to hear any more about Anne Coulter? Of course not! But just for fun, let's take a break from celebrity-news for a moment and talk about something that's of serious concern and presents a real threat to us all: fireworks.

That's right. If you haven't noticed, and even if you have, the 4th of July is fast approaching, which means it's time for the obligatory fireworks safety demonstration! Apparently, in addition to being really fun, explosi--, I mean fireworks can also be dangerous, and possibly even illegal... I think. Damn, I really can't remember. I wish there was someone who could tell me if these things were illegal or not...



Ok, so it seems they're probably illegal. But say I DID want one, do you know where I could get one?



Well that's good to know. And all this time I thought the brown paper bag meant I was drinking Jack Daniels! This explains why I never really got buzzed, but did find gunpowder in my saliva...

It seems a little counterintuitive to me that explos-- I mean fireworks could have any downside. Could you tell me otherwise?



She's right. It is a little hard to believe people are still playing around with these things. I mean, what IS the attraction that people have to explosive devises designed for entertainment purposes that are stimulating, dangerous, and exciting?

Next week, we'll explore a little known sport that's taking America by storm: sky-sniping. It's the thrill of skydiving mixed with the constitutional right of big-game hunting.

Until then...

FIRE WATER BURN

Obviously still in a state of shock due to her network's inability to secure Paris Hilton's first post-jail interview, MSNBC news anchor Mika Brzezinski becomes visibly distraught on-air, and demands to be traded from the Lakers*



Take THAT Mika's producer Andy Jones, Larry King, Joe Scarborough, and guy-who-has-a-man-crush-on-tucket-carlson. Mika is NOT to be trifled with. If MSNBC can't have Paris, no one can!


*Footnotes for the Uninformed (the return!):
- This trade demand is reference to Kobe Bryant, LA Lakers forward who demanded a trade, recanted, then demanded to be traded again. He then demanded he be given a hug.

TERMS OF AGREEMENT

Reportedly, attorneys for Major League Baseball and the Players Union are approaching an "agreement on rules" for a meeting between embattled Yankees slugger Jason Giambi and former-Senate Majority Leader and current honorary-Major League Baseball steroid czar George Mitchell. Getting these rules finalized paves the way for the secretaries to the assistants to the managing agents for Major League Baseball and the Players Union to begin talks of when might be a good time to schedule a meeting to discuss possible times for a meeting between said managing agents who would then discuss possible dates for a possible meeting between representatives for Jason Giambi via and the Players Union and representatives for George Mitchell and Major League Baseball. Catch the Fever!

While the country sits on pins and needles in anticipation of dates of press conferences to discuss the scheduling of more meetings, we (me) here at TNMS have obtained EXCLUSIVE* information on just what is contained in this set of rules. A partial list is as follows:

• All questions regarding for Mr. Giambi must be directed to legal counsel for Mr. Giambi and not directly to Mr. Giambi himself.

• Any statements made directly by Mr. Giambi and not through Counsel of Mr. Giambi may not be used to incriminate himself or any others associated with him, and are null and void in all legal context.

• Mr. Giambi will not be asked questions regarding his past, including both professional and personal experiences.

• Mr. Giambi will not be asked about his present, or future.

• Mr. Mitchell must attend the meeting adorned in a yellow sun-dress, high heels (nothing slutty - nothing over 4 inches) and a lemon chiffon hat.

• Mr. Giambi will be granted the right to use an interpreter which he and his counsel will provide. If this interpreter is not available, the meeting will be postponed and subsequently rescheduled for a time when said interpreter is available.

• Snacks, including rice cakes, peanut butter (specifically jiffy), canada dry ginger ale, poland spring water, and skittles must be provided. If said snacks are not available, the meeting will be postponed and subsequently rescheduled for a time when said snacks are available.

• Mr. Giambi is not to be asked any questions regarding the possibility of his taking of steroids.

• Mr. Giambi is not to be asked any questions regarding his bearing witness to any other player taking steroids.

• Mr. Giambi is not to be asked any questions reagarding steroids.

• If Mr. Giambi feels inclined not to attend said meeting, he may elect to send a predetermined representative in his place. If said representative is unavailable, the meeting will be postponed and subsequently rescheduled for a time when said representative is available.

--

*Said "exclusive information" may, in fact, not actually be exclusive nor confirmed information.

THE BEST THING I'VE READ TODAY

"You pissed on my floor"

And this is a close second:

"Gay baby"

WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG

I know I said I'd post on Friday. Surprise surprise, I didn't. And for that, I apologize to the three people who might actually read this. I can say that I will try to make up for this indiscretion by posting multiple times today (although I probably won't).

Speaking of indiscretions, remember the kind you used to make in your youth? Of course you do. We all have them and we all remember them. Maybe you took more than the excusable amount from the take-a-penny-leave-a-penny tray, or sold duplicate cassette tapes of a popular Billy Joel album; or maybe you shot your friend in the leg with a gun on a dare. We've all been there.

But what often seems most memorable is not the actual act or any sort of lingering regret (carpe diem!), but rather the lame adolescent excuse you came up with at the time to cover up your juvenile transgression. (WARNING: NOSTALGIC REMINISCING STORY APPROACHING. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK).

When I was 17, in the prime of my youth, I lost a shoe at a party. This might seem like a pretty trivial point, and it is. After all, material items are fleeting and un-fulfilling (I think Dee Snider said that). But what makes this point absolutely crucial is that I lost it while running up the snow-covered embankment of the backyard of the house which contained the party I was trying to flee as it was being raided by cops.

What makes the loss of the shoe important is that it was about 20 degrees out, and my now-exposed foot was in the process of going numb, which made it increasing difficult and subsequently impossible to keep up with the flock of fellow teenagers who darted down the steets and off to safety, leaving me behind like the wounded deer that I was.

I was, of course, quickly discovered by the police, hobbling down the road slumped over the shoulder of one of my friends who had been kind enough to stay with me. And what did I say to the police when questioned? That we had been walking down the street when we were ransacked by a mob of drug crazed teenagers who had knocked me down in their mad dash, causing me to lose my shoe and render me helpless.

The point is, we all did stupid things when we were kids. And we all made up ridiculous stories to cover them up. If for nothing else, we did this out of necessity, because the only thing that would make these acts seem less egregious is an over-the-top story that only a feeble, undeveloped mind could concoct. Ahhh, those were the days...

I guess what I'm saying is, if you're going to shoot your friend in the leg, try to come up with a better story than "I found him with a gunshot wound." At the very least, throw one of his shoes into the woods. Also, if he's bet you that you won't shoot him, make sure that you only minorly wound him when you do shoot him, because he needs to be in stable enough condition to ante-up to the terms of your wager.



PS - I'm aware of the irony that, in this event, it WAS my sock.

IF YOU CALL, I WILL ANSWER

My devotion to blogging (which, let's face it, was limited to begin with) has taken an additional hit this week as my attention has been diverted to an alternative popular contemporary communication tool... (spoiler alert: it's not carrier pigeon - sadly)... it's the CELL PHONE. And specifically, my new one. It's the first new phone I've gotten in a while, and as a result I've spent a lot of time learning all the new features (I'm currently stuck on the nautical tools - having a lot of trouble calibrating the barometer). However, I DID manage to discover the camera tool! Here's a picture I took of myself after finally figuring out how to use it:

As you can see, I was very tired after spending numerous hours trying to find which button actually captures the picture. Clearly, time well spent.

Since I spent most of my time recovering from the exhaustion of this exercise, I don't have much to post on right now. Tomorrow, I promise to have something more substantial to post here (spoiler alert: it probably won't be that substantial).

For now, I'll leave you with some enjoyable tidbits:

• Rashard Lewis is reportedly interested in playing for the Boston Celtics because "Gerald Green is on the team." In a related story, Quentin Richardson has also expressed interest in becoming a Celtic as a result of "really liking their maintenance staff." Unfortunately, Danny Ainge recently traded said staff for Sebastian Telfair.

• Teasing her upcoming appearance on Sportscenter's "budweiser hot seat", Jessica Alba asked the question, "Do you know what Eva Longoria and I have in common?" I'm betting it's that they've both slept with Tony Parker.

• Spoiler Alert: It's actually that they're both "huge NBA fans"

• Spoiler Alert: This term hasn't been used correctly once in this post

• Spoiler Alert: I don't care

• Spoiler Alert.
  

WHAT I WOULD ASK JAY-Z IF I WERE INTERVIEWING HIM AT THE 2007 MTV MOVIE AWARDS:

“Jay, you’re an incredibly successful musician, businessman, and entrepreneur. With the recent introduction of TRUMP STEAKS, when can we expect to see you throw your hat into the ring with your own competitor – ROCKA STEAKS? And will these also be available exclusively through The Sharper Image, or will you seek a similar alternative hi-end vendor, such as Brookstone?”












Now please enjoy the following version of "99 Problems" featuring Scottie Pippen dunking on people.

Lost thoughts from a lost weekend

Tim McCarver had some interesting thoughts during Saturday’s Yankees/Red Sox tangle. Early in the game, he took exception with Fox corporate sponsor Burger King for claiming David Ortiz’s “hot zone” was middle-up. McCarver claimed that Ortiz’s true danger area for opposing pitchers was actually low. What I found most interesting about this is that the “hot zone” is a mathematical break-down of 9 areas in and around the strike-zone. So really what McCarver was disputing here was math, not The Home of the Whopper.

McCarver followed up this whopper (puns!) by stating late in the game that he believed the majority of Red Sox fans were staying around in what he seemed to think was a already decided baseball game just for the chance to see Alex Rodriguez POSSIBLY make the last out in the 9th to end the game (which didn’t even end up happening). I’m not sure where McCarver spends most of his time (although I’m willing to bet it’s not watching baseball), but in Boston, people actually tend to stay until the END of the game. It’s something that kind of goes along with being a baseball fan.

WHAT I THINK PROBABLY HAPPENED IN THE 45 MINUTE YANKEE TEAM MEETING

Team members are seated around the room. They have all repositioned their chairs to face towards each other as opposed to their usual direction facing their own lockers. There is a dull hum of ambient chatter. Joe Torre enters.

TORRE: Alright, let’s get this going.

Torre signals towards the back of the room where Melky Cabrera is seated next to a CD player marked “AMBIENT CHATTER”. Melky presses the STOP button. The room becomes eerily quiet.

The awkward silence continues for approximately three more minutes until Derek Jeter decides to step up.

JETER: I've been a Yankee for my entire career. This is all that I know. For me, baseball IS the Yankees. And the Yankees are baseball. Right now, we're not playing baseball the way it should be played, which also means we're not being Yankees the way we're supposed to be Yankees.

Jorge Posada rises from his seat and walks over to join Jeter.

POSADA: I've been a Yankee my entire career as well. It means pride, determination, will, and support. It means never letting your team down and knowing they'll do the same for you. It means playing baseball at the very highest level it can be played. And I KNOW that everyone in this room is capable of doing that.

From seemingly out of nowhere, Alex Rodriguez suddenly appears flanking both Posada and Jeter.

A-ROD: I've been a Yankee for almost four whole years. In many ways, I feel like I've been a Yankee all my life.

JOHNNY DAMON: Me too!

Posada and Jeter each raise an eye, but both try and shake it off.

POSADA: I think what Alex means is that no matter where we've come from, we're all Yankees, and we've all always wanted to be Yankees.

Seated next to Bobby Abreu toward the back of the room, Scott Proctor slaps a magazine out of Abreu's hands.

ABREU: Hey I was reading that!

PROCTOR: Well knock it off! This is important.

ABREU: Like intentionally throwing at a hitter when you have two strikes on him?

Proctor gives Abreu a menacing look.

Elsewhere in the room, Carl Pavano stands up.

PAVANO: I've been a Yankee for...

Pavano begins to count on his fingers, adding and subtracting.

PAVANO: Well, officially two and a half years, although I missed all of 2006... Actually, I should probably introduce myself. My name is Carl Pavano. I've missed quite a lot of time here due to injury, but I hope to turn that all around... hopefully starting next year, when I come back from Tommy John surgery.

Hideki Matsui taps Andy Pettitte on the shoulder.

MATSUI: Who is that?

PETTITTE: I'm not really sure, I think he said Sal Fasano? But he's missing the facial hair...

MATSUI (confused): Who are you?

At the back of the room, Proctor and Abreu continue to scuffle.

PROCTOR: You best watch out or you just might see a ball up near YOUR head.

Doug Mientkiewicz takes a knee next to Proctor.

MIENTKIEWICZ (whispering): I have a ball you can use if you need.

Mientkiewicz pulls a game-used ball from his back pocket. It faintly says "2004 World Series"

MIENTKIEWICZ: I carry it around with me at all times.

Mientkiewicz looks shiftily from side to side, as if he's being watched.

Back at the front of the room, A-Rod and Jeter have started to exchange words of their own, as Jorge Posada tries helplessly to quell the two.

A-ROD: Maybe if you'd just accept me like the Yankees fans have, things might start to get a little better!

JETER: It's not always all about you, Alex.

A-ROD: You're right. It's not just me. I mean I couldn't put up the tremendous stats that I do without the strong supporting cast I have here in this clubhouse. I'm glad to call each and everyone of them a teammate.

Rodriguez then removes a small voice-recorder from his pocket and tosses it into the corner, where his assistant is standing.

A-ROD (to asst.): Give that to the AP.

Leaning against a locker near the exit towards the back, Mariano Rivera puts his head down in disgust, turns and walks out. While he exits, Jason Giambi nervously enters right by him, flicking an empty cannister into the trash. The letters seem awkwardly altered, and the container appears to read, "Homepathic Generic Helper".

GIAMBI: Did I miss anything?

In what has now become a somewhat noisy room, Mike Mussina remains seated, trying to finish his Sudoku puzzle amidst the escalating commotion.

In the middle of the room, Miguel Cairo, Josh Phelps, and Ron Villone have begun arguing over who is the least insignificant member in the room among the three of them. The clamor has come to a head.

TORRE: ENOUGH!

Joe quickly quiets the crowd.

TORRE: Now I've had just about enough of this, and this is going to end right now.

The room quickly returns to a hush, followed by a long pause as Torre stands staring. After a moment, he breaks the silence.

TORRE: Melky, turn the disc back on.

Cabrera pushes the PLAY button on the CD player, and the room returns to an artificially produced calm.

GROUNDHOG DAY - RESULTS

Punxsutawney Phil bit again last night, and HARD, as the Celtics missed out on both Oden and Durant and fell to the farthest possible pick they could. This morning will include a familiar cocktail of strong coffee and rabies shots, holding out hope that we're not headed for the return of "gang green". Suddenly, Doc Rivers is begining to look more and more like ML Carr...



















*EERIE FINDING OF THE DAY*: Check out what happens when you type "groundhog day" into IMDB (second listing)

GROUNDHOG DAY

I'd like to preface this entry by saying I'm a bad blogger. This is not the first time I've had to say this, nor will it be the last. For whatever reason, try as I might, I can't seem to change my habits; they just keep repeating. Which brings us to the topic at hand: Groundhog Day (now THAT is a segway).

Much like Oliver Stones "Nixon" and "JFK", you may remember Harold Ramis' 1993 feature "Groundhog Day" as a chilling look into the depths of the human psyche and an expose in fear. Plus, it had Chris Elliott, who is awesome.

If nothing else, the film teaches us that Groudhog Day is more than just a yearly event. It is all-encompassing, sucking everything it encounters into its vacuous black hole of destruction and repetition, leaving it's victims left to wander the earth for the rest of their days in a constant state of despair and degradation like mindless zombies following a 24 hour bender at Robert Downy Jr.'s.

My point is that the Boston Celtics are experiencing their own version of G-Day, where the Celts are Bill Murray, Tim Duncan is Punxsutawney Phil, and David Stern is Andie MacDowell
(mainly because he has nice legs).

Tonight, the Celtics have a chance to exercise their demons of the past decade and finally escape the dreaded monotony of the Groundhog Day. If they fail, it's 10 more years of winter and no dinner with David Stern.

Pictures to Prove it

This is where I used to live

Roy! Roy Roy Roy!

In my most recent days spent perusing YouTube, I've come to two conclusions. 1) There will never be a dearth of material containing people being harmed by footballs, and 2) People are quite taken with feline masturbation.

Though it will probably prove impossible to surpass either of those items in popularity or sheer abundance, the SNL digital shorts are at least giving football injuries and cat porn a run for their money. The latest addition to the series, unofficially titled "Roy Rules", continues to expand the brand of webevision (I'm copyrighting that term. Eat it Trump) made popular by "Sloth" and "Andy Popping into Frame".

The latest may not be at "A Special Christmas Box" or "Peyton Manning for the United Way" level, but, well just check it out:





On a personal level, the enjoyment I took from this clip was probably not a direct result of the video itself, but rather due to the memory of a long lost commercial favorite of mine from college. Relegated solely to the murky depths of my mind... Until now:

More Dots!

*Update!*

Breaking the liberal "zone" of silence, one vagina at a time.

Connect the Dots, la lal la

In a welcome departure from the quiet, understated private mourning surrounding the recent events at Virginia Tech (a topic that has remained free of gratuitous politicizing for far too long), Newt Gingrich this week attributed the recent tragedies at Tech to 40 years of liberalism and a culture where "Young people are being dehumanized by violence in video games and liberalism has created a 'zone of not being willing to talk about any of these things.'"

Gingrich is not without support to his argument. Here is just a partial list of items that the dangerous cocktail of liberalism and violent video games is responsible for over the last 40 years:

Jeopardy!
Dunkaroos
The Oklahoma City bombing
Slap bracelets
Teen pregnancy
AIDS
Autism (specifically asperger's syndrome)
Gigli
Flava Flav
Homosexuality
Rape Culture

The expiration of the Assault Weapons Ban
Brett Ratner films
Genocide (Darfur, Kosovo, Somalia)
Super Mario Bros. & Duck Hunt
Dick Cheney
Pee Wee Herman
Hostess Cupcakes
Global warming*
The existence of the Middle East
Tom Green
People who aren't white

The Harlem Globetrotters
Harlem
Hummus (not to be confused with HAMAS)
HAMAS
Nuclear weapons
Poverty
Unemployment
Homelessness
Goth Music



*This is a tricky one because although liberalism is responsible for it, according to most conservative experts it doesn't actually exist

Love That Money

This reminds me of my landlord in college

"We Talkin' Bout Flea Market..."

Most of the cool kids have seen this already. Since this blog has never claimed to be cool, here it is, and welcome to the club:

Pack it up Pack it in

I go a year plus without posting, and now I'm already on my second post of the day. If you haven't figured it out yet, Newton is AWESOME.

Anyway, in case you've yet to view it, the following clip has started to garner some attention:



First off, in Billy Packer's defense (a phrase I never thought I'd mutter), Charlie Rose DOES have a reputation for always fagging out. He's a HUGE fagger outer.

Secondly, the most recent argument I heard surrounding this topic, from a local sports radio program that shall remain nameless, is that Packer has so far been able to escape major controversy from this because it aired on PBS, which has more "liberal" standards than say, FOX News. Which is a valid point. Here's just a partial list of questionable material I've heard on PBS in the last week alone:

• "Eleanor Roosevelt was a gay" - Jim Lehrer, The Newshour
• "...And there has never since been a time in my life where I've gotten as much pussy as I did then" - Will Lyman, Frontline
• "After doctor give Elmo medicine, Elmo feel fine. No more burn when Elmo pee" - Elmo, Sesame Street
• "The best part about reading is that you can go to places you've never been before, like Holland, or places you'd never want to actually visit, like Mexico!" - Levar Burton, Reading Rainbow

Liberal standards aside, my personal feeling is that this is not a case of politics, censorship or political correctness. This is about being old.

Old people are allowed to say whatever they want. Why? Because they're old, that's why. And because they said so. The older you get, the more crazy stuff you get to say. And if there's no one older than you around, you can say pretty much whatever you want. That's why Anne Coulter can say everything she says. She's really 102.

Take one of my uncles for instance (he's not really my uncle, I think he's a cousin, by I call him my uncle because he's old). He is 93 years old, God bless him. While attending a large extended family gathering last year, he exclaimed, "I don't give a fuck about anyone!" The reaction? General laughter from all. He's the oldest one in the family. He could have dropped his drawers and started peeing on the roses and no one would have cared (generally he saves that for Hannukah).

If there's one lesson we can learn from this, it's that we should respect our elders, and this includes letting them say whatever they want. What goes around comes around. And when you're 80, and you want to call your grand-daughter a cunt, you'll understand.

OH, and one more thing we can learn from this incident:



Who's fagging out now?

Back up in your ass with the resurrection

Seeing as how I haven't posted in this "blog" in over a year (literally), now seems as good a time as any to fill the space. Rather than try to recap and recount a years worth of worth of blog-worthy stories, I'd prefer to focus on the one story that is captivating the nation: Keith Richards "relationship" with his father.

I've done my share of crazy things: I jumped off the roof of a house into 2 feet of snow; drank an entire bottle of jeger over a 4 hour period; attended a state school. But I can honestly say I have never (knowingly) inhaled a family member's ashes up my nostril. So apparently Keith Richards has me beat, as he has now claimed to have snorted the ashes of his cremated father...

*UPDATE*

Keith Richards has now recanted his story, denying that he snorted his father, claiming it was all a joke. You know, a joke. Like the time he snorted his father...