AND HERE'S ANOTHER HIT, BARRY BONDS

Barry Bonds record-breaking homerun ball is on the way to the Hall of Fame adorned with an an asterisk, courtesy of Mark Ecko. Also courtesy of Ecko is a new performance-wear t-shirt made especially for Bonds:



Experts predict the shirt to be made available to the public through *ecko unltd. and be on sale at Macy's by Christmas.

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT...

As the 2008 election continues to grow closer (it's a certified fact - it's going to occur eventually), so grows the intensity, relevance, and thought provoking nature of the questions posed to the candidates.

It's for this reason that it comes as no surprise that in the October 9th copy of The Advocate, Senator Hillary Clinton is asked the following question: "How do you respond to the occasional rumor that you're a lesbian?"

What DOES come as surprise is the Senator's response: "It's not true, but it is something that I have no control over."

Bold move from the former First Lady. It's one thing to address your own sexuality on the campaign trail, but it's another to brazenly come out and say that it's something you have no control over...


*UPDATE: Determined not to be overshadowed, embattled Senator Larry Craig said today that "I too am 110% straight, and unlike Senator Clinton, that was a conscious decision... Not that it needed to be, because I've never once had a homosexual thought of any kind, nor do I know anyone of the gay persuasion." Immediately following this comment, Senator Craig paused, then added, "I dig chicks. A LOT."

MIND-FREAK

On the heels of the severely under-reported signal taping scandal, the NFL is currently investigating claims that New England Patriots head Coach Bill Belichick can read minds.

"This matter is still in its preliminary stages," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "The League will reserve comment pending further investigation." It is worth noting that Goodell gave this statement to the press while wearing a protective lead helment on his head. Lead, as is commonly known, is impenetrable to all mind-reading attempts

HOW NOT TO GET TASERED - college edition

Tasering. It's the newest epidemic sweeping our nation. Much like cocaine during the 80's and oversized coffee mugs in the 90's, tasering is becoming harder and harder to avoid. But that doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to fall victim (no pun intended) to this growing fad.

As with any harmful item, the first thing you'll want to do is recognize the problem so you can properly address the issue. There are several warning signs that are associated with tasering that can easily be identified. The following is a partial list of tasing symptoms you should be aware of:

• Uncontrollable muscle twitching
  
• Momentary paralysis
  
• Abdominal pain
  
• Incontinence
  
• fever
  
• nausea
  
• hunger
  
• dry mouth
  
• restless leg
  
• sweaty palms
  
• general fatigue
  
• depression
  
• An increase of high-voltage low-current electrical current pulsing through your body
  

At the onset of any of these symptoms, you should immediately contact your physician. It's possible you are about to be, are being, or in extreme cases, were tasered.

But fear not. There are a number of things you can do yourself to prevent being tasered. Here are six easy things that you can do to keep you clean and out of harms way:

1. Don't Say things like "don't tase me bro"

Evidence shows this tends to lead to immediate tasering.

2. Stay out of lecture halls

Voice safety concerns to your local campus administration. They will most likely excuse you from class. If you go to UMass, just continue not going to class as you normally would.

3. Don't carry your baby through hospital corridors

Instead, conceal your baby in the new porous American Eagle™ brand Baby Bag. In lieu of the Baby Bag, your gym bag will suffice.

4. Carry your own taser

Studies reveal that carrying a taser on you at all times increases your safety level by 17%, and reduces your risk of getting tased by 35% - similar to carrying handguns.

BUT BEWARE! Should you become involved in an altercation in which you are battling another person with a taser, be careful not to cross the streams (see Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters 2).

5. Build a moat around your home

Moats limit the amount of people who have access to your residence, which in turn will limit your opportunity to be tased. *Note - the effectiveness of this method is dependent upon the amount of time you spend in your home in addition to the number of people in your household who own tasers.

6. Avoid places where people are inclined to cheer for your tasing

See below...