IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO MAKE PREDICTIONS

It's been a long-overextended hiatus from this blog. But nothing will stop me from posting my annual Major League Baseball Playoff Preview, not even the fact that the playoffs have already started. If anything, that's going to make these predictions even more interesting.

Let me preface by stating that as of right now, 7:58pm on Thursday, I am unaware of any of the outcomes of ANY of the games played to this point. I do, however, know the outcomes of all future games to be played, but I digress.

While I type this, the only things I know for certain are that the Yankees were leading 7-2 sometime between the 6th and 8th inning last night, and that the Dodgers/Cardinals game was 2-1 in the third, but I don't actually recall who was leading. If the Dodgers are anything like their fanbase, I'm guessing they trailed because they don't tend to show up until the 4th inning.

To try and maintain some semblance of ignorance of the outcomes of any of these series, I've curtailed the majority of my usual research. So if you're looking for rational, well-studied, informed analysis, you're going to be disappointed. However, if you're looking for gut-instinct, baseless predictions, you've come to the right place!

With all that in mind, I present to you THE 2009 MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL DIVISION SERIES PLAYOFF PREVIEW.

DODGERS VS. CARDINALS


The Dodgers jumped out of the gate on fire, and never looked back. Maybe that's why they almost lost the division title to the Rockies in the final weekend. As for their counterpart, the Cardinals did what they usually do: play steady ball all year and wait for the rest of their division to collapse.

On paper, this series shouldn't be close. Here is a partial list of recognizable Dodgers hitters:

Andre Eithier
Matt Kemp
James Loney
Rafael Furcal
Orlando Hudson
Juan Pierre
Russel Martin
Manny Ramirez
Jim Thome
Casey Blake

Now here is the respective list for the Cardinals:

Albert Pujols.

This seems like it would be a significant advantage for the Dodgers. Unfortunately for them, none of the names on their list is Albert Pujols.

The pitching is more or less an wash in this series. Wolf/Kershaw/Padilla, Carpenter/Wainright/Piniero could go either way. Neither of these teams played particularly well to end the season. Both teams have similar classic-style, old-school managers.

In an toss up, I take the Cardinals, thanks to the overwhelming fans in St. Louis and the probability that Joe Torre wore out the only two relief pitchers he'll allow himself to use over the course of the season.

CARDS IN 4.


ROCKIES VS. PHILLIES


A rematch of their 2007 playoff match up, and we all know what happened then!

(long pause)

(longer pause)

Not much happened, but the Rockies won.

The Phillies made up for the faults of '07 by bringing home a title last year that no one saw because of rain and terribly scheduled start times.

I'm not going to bullshit you and pretend I know something about either of these teams, because you're too smart for that, and I don't have enough time to look up interesting statistics right now, nor do I want to risk jeopardizing my self-imposed regulations of discovering final scores (a convenient excuse).

So between you, me, and the rest of the internet, let's say...

ROCKIES IN 4.


YANKEES VS. TWINS


Here's a fun fact (this is a REAL fact. I know. Catch your breath): Four teams in baseball history have won play-in games to get into the postseason in walk-off fashion: the '51 (New York) Giants, the '59 (LA) Dodgers, the '07 Rockies, and now the '09 Twins. The previous three all made it to the World Series. So early congratulations to the Twins for what will be a first!

This Yankees team will not be beat. Not by the Twins, and probably not by anyone. I'm generally hesitant to make such bold predictions, but I do it here for two reasons: 1) They really are that good, and 2) It will be even more rewarding for me if they lose.

The Twins had a fantastic run to end the season, but they weren't exactly taking on the best-of-the-best to do it. Much like the Yankees non-existence right field, Minnesota pitching will not be able to contain the Yankees offensive power.

YANKEES IN 3.


RED SOX VS. ANGELS


One. That's the number of wins the Angels have managed against the Red Sox in their last three playoff match ups ('04, '07, '08). This series is quickly becoming an October ritual, and I would love to see the ritual of the Sox taking it in convincing fashion continue. I believe my wish will come true.

John Lackey will again be the ace for the Angels. Until he figures out how to beat the Red Sox once (let alone twice) in the post-season, I don't see the outcome of this series changing.

Sox pitching has looked iffy at times, and their line-up is not nearly what it used to be. Maybe the Angels improve this time around, but not enough to take the series.

SOX IN 4.



Now, let's watch some baseball! I hope I didn't miss it all...

PLAYOFF PREVIEW - ALDS PART 1

BOSTON RED SOX
VS.
LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM

The two most popular teams among females face off in what is fast becoming, or at least is hyped as becoming, a modern postseason rivalry.

The Sox have bested the halos in the postseason all three times they've met, which includes a streak of nine consecutive games. But this is a superior Angels team. The only team to win 100 games in the bigs this year, the Angels feature solid starting pitching, a phenomenal bullpen, and strong fundamental hitting that can manufacture runs.

If that's not enough, with their new-and-improved extended team name, they've taken steps to cleverly hide the exact location of where they play. Do they play in Anaheim? Do they play in Los Angeles? Do they switch back and forth? No one really knows for sure. It's just one more weapon the Angels will utilize in their attempt to vanquish the Red Sox from the playoffs for their first time ever.

As for the Red Sox, in many ways their season has been defined not by what they've gained, but by what they've lost: Manny Ramirez. After years of a hot/cold relationship, the Sox finally parted ways with the embattled slugger just before the trading deadline, receiving Pirate-phenom Jason Bay. Bay has not disappointed, anchoring a strong Boston lineup that scores runs in bunches. However, their ability to do that this series may be compromised, as the status of sluggers Mike Lowell and JD Drew remain in question.

Will Boston maintain its dominance over Anaheim/LA? Will the Angels return to their 2002 championship form? Will pretty girls everywhere pretend to be interested? Probably not, possibly, and most certainly.

As much as it pains me, Angels in 5.

BREAKING NEWS: MANNY DEAL REACHED

The distracting and prolonged Manny Ramirez saga looks like it is finally coming to an end. An agreement in principle appears to have been reached to resolve the issues surrounding the embattled slugger.

Ramirez will cut his hair.

The specifics of the deal are still forthcoming, but inside sources are revealing that Ramirez's locks will be trimmed from back length to shoulder length.

As for the soon-to-be discarded strands, it's being reported that those will end up in Pittsburgh in exchange for partial trimmings from 2 undisclosed prospects.

In a late-breaking addition to this story, word is that the Red Sox will cover the cost of the Ramirez haircut.






Alternative titles for this post:

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
Man-ey being Man-ey
Locks for Jocks
The Ballad of Joe and Manny
No Sox, No Locks

LITERAL BIAS

"When it comes to fatal flops, the Red Sox literally own the franchise in our town." - Dan Shaughnessy, The Boston Globe, February 10, 2008

At first glance, it would appear that Dan Shaughnessy's use of the term "literally" in the previous sentence is erroneous at best and idiotic at worst. I mean, it's conceivably impossible that the Red Sox could LITERALLY own the franchise of fatal flop, right? WRONG! Not unlike George W. Bush, history will prove Mr. Shaughnessy to be correct.

In 1933, Tom Yawkey purchased the struggling Red Sox Baseball Club from previous owner Harry Frazee. Yawkey had great plans for the franchise and intended to turn the dismal team around. A businessman first and possibly a racist second, Yawkey was nothing if not pragmatic. Thus, upon purchase of The Sox, Yawkey also acquired the copyright to the phrase"fatal flop". Should his investment tank, Yawkey planned to trademark the phrase and sell the slogan on hats, t-shirts, and playing cards specifically marketed for Texas Hold'em. Yawkey also entertained the possibility of extending the brand to men's undergarments, as well as a low-end line of affordable caskets for low-income families still suffering from the effects of the depression. Fear of market over-saturation curtailed that extension.

Ultimately, none of these ideas ever came to fruition, as Yawkey was indeed successful in turning the team around. However, since Yawkey had officially become a member of the Red Sox limited partnership upon purchase of the term, and said purchase was then made with what were designated as team funds (mostly for tax purposes), the copyright to the term still resides with the Club's managing partners to this day.

Thus, what would otherwise have appeared to be an ignorant, sloppy, and egregiously lazy use of the English language by Mr. Shaughnessy actually turns out to be both grammatically and factually correct!

Lucky for Dan, because otherwise I would have to report him here.