FIRE WATER BURN

Obviously still in a state of shock due to her network's inability to secure Paris Hilton's first post-jail interview, MSNBC news anchor Mika Brzezinski becomes visibly distraught on-air, and demands to be traded from the Lakers*



Take THAT Mika's producer Andy Jones, Larry King, Joe Scarborough, and guy-who-has-a-man-crush-on-tucket-carlson. Mika is NOT to be trifled with. If MSNBC can't have Paris, no one can!


*Footnotes for the Uninformed (the return!):
- This trade demand is reference to Kobe Bryant, LA Lakers forward who demanded a trade, recanted, then demanded to be traded again. He then demanded he be given a hug.

TERMS OF AGREEMENT

Reportedly, attorneys for Major League Baseball and the Players Union are approaching an "agreement on rules" for a meeting between embattled Yankees slugger Jason Giambi and former-Senate Majority Leader and current honorary-Major League Baseball steroid czar George Mitchell. Getting these rules finalized paves the way for the secretaries to the assistants to the managing agents for Major League Baseball and the Players Union to begin talks of when might be a good time to schedule a meeting to discuss possible times for a meeting between said managing agents who would then discuss possible dates for a possible meeting between representatives for Jason Giambi via and the Players Union and representatives for George Mitchell and Major League Baseball. Catch the Fever!

While the country sits on pins and needles in anticipation of dates of press conferences to discuss the scheduling of more meetings, we (me) here at TNMS have obtained EXCLUSIVE* information on just what is contained in this set of rules. A partial list is as follows:

• All questions regarding for Mr. Giambi must be directed to legal counsel for Mr. Giambi and not directly to Mr. Giambi himself.

• Any statements made directly by Mr. Giambi and not through Counsel of Mr. Giambi may not be used to incriminate himself or any others associated with him, and are null and void in all legal context.

• Mr. Giambi will not be asked questions regarding his past, including both professional and personal experiences.

• Mr. Giambi will not be asked about his present, or future.

• Mr. Mitchell must attend the meeting adorned in a yellow sun-dress, high heels (nothing slutty - nothing over 4 inches) and a lemon chiffon hat.

• Mr. Giambi will be granted the right to use an interpreter which he and his counsel will provide. If this interpreter is not available, the meeting will be postponed and subsequently rescheduled for a time when said interpreter is available.

• Snacks, including rice cakes, peanut butter (specifically jiffy), canada dry ginger ale, poland spring water, and skittles must be provided. If said snacks are not available, the meeting will be postponed and subsequently rescheduled for a time when said snacks are available.

• Mr. Giambi is not to be asked any questions regarding the possibility of his taking of steroids.

• Mr. Giambi is not to be asked any questions regarding his bearing witness to any other player taking steroids.

• Mr. Giambi is not to be asked any questions reagarding steroids.

• If Mr. Giambi feels inclined not to attend said meeting, he may elect to send a predetermined representative in his place. If said representative is unavailable, the meeting will be postponed and subsequently rescheduled for a time when said representative is available.

--

*Said "exclusive information" may, in fact, not actually be exclusive nor confirmed information.

THE BEST THING I'VE READ TODAY

"You pissed on my floor"

And this is a close second:

"Gay baby"

WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG

I know I said I'd post on Friday. Surprise surprise, I didn't. And for that, I apologize to the three people who might actually read this. I can say that I will try to make up for this indiscretion by posting multiple times today (although I probably won't).

Speaking of indiscretions, remember the kind you used to make in your youth? Of course you do. We all have them and we all remember them. Maybe you took more than the excusable amount from the take-a-penny-leave-a-penny tray, or sold duplicate cassette tapes of a popular Billy Joel album; or maybe you shot your friend in the leg with a gun on a dare. We've all been there.

But what often seems most memorable is not the actual act or any sort of lingering regret (carpe diem!), but rather the lame adolescent excuse you came up with at the time to cover up your juvenile transgression. (WARNING: NOSTALGIC REMINISCING STORY APPROACHING. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK).

When I was 17, in the prime of my youth, I lost a shoe at a party. This might seem like a pretty trivial point, and it is. After all, material items are fleeting and un-fulfilling (I think Dee Snider said that). But what makes this point absolutely crucial is that I lost it while running up the snow-covered embankment of the backyard of the house which contained the party I was trying to flee as it was being raided by cops.

What makes the loss of the shoe important is that it was about 20 degrees out, and my now-exposed foot was in the process of going numb, which made it increasing difficult and subsequently impossible to keep up with the flock of fellow teenagers who darted down the steets and off to safety, leaving me behind like the wounded deer that I was.

I was, of course, quickly discovered by the police, hobbling down the road slumped over the shoulder of one of my friends who had been kind enough to stay with me. And what did I say to the police when questioned? That we had been walking down the street when we were ransacked by a mob of drug crazed teenagers who had knocked me down in their mad dash, causing me to lose my shoe and render me helpless.

The point is, we all did stupid things when we were kids. And we all made up ridiculous stories to cover them up. If for nothing else, we did this out of necessity, because the only thing that would make these acts seem less egregious is an over-the-top story that only a feeble, undeveloped mind could concoct. Ahhh, those were the days...

I guess what I'm saying is, if you're going to shoot your friend in the leg, try to come up with a better story than "I found him with a gunshot wound." At the very least, throw one of his shoes into the woods. Also, if he's bet you that you won't shoot him, make sure that you only minorly wound him when you do shoot him, because he needs to be in stable enough condition to ante-up to the terms of your wager.



PS - I'm aware of the irony that, in this event, it WAS my sock.

IF YOU CALL, I WILL ANSWER

My devotion to blogging (which, let's face it, was limited to begin with) has taken an additional hit this week as my attention has been diverted to an alternative popular contemporary communication tool... (spoiler alert: it's not carrier pigeon - sadly)... it's the CELL PHONE. And specifically, my new one. It's the first new phone I've gotten in a while, and as a result I've spent a lot of time learning all the new features (I'm currently stuck on the nautical tools - having a lot of trouble calibrating the barometer). However, I DID manage to discover the camera tool! Here's a picture I took of myself after finally figuring out how to use it:

As you can see, I was very tired after spending numerous hours trying to find which button actually captures the picture. Clearly, time well spent.

Since I spent most of my time recovering from the exhaustion of this exercise, I don't have much to post on right now. Tomorrow, I promise to have something more substantial to post here (spoiler alert: it probably won't be that substantial).

For now, I'll leave you with some enjoyable tidbits:

• Rashard Lewis is reportedly interested in playing for the Boston Celtics because "Gerald Green is on the team." In a related story, Quentin Richardson has also expressed interest in becoming a Celtic as a result of "really liking their maintenance staff." Unfortunately, Danny Ainge recently traded said staff for Sebastian Telfair.

• Teasing her upcoming appearance on Sportscenter's "budweiser hot seat", Jessica Alba asked the question, "Do you know what Eva Longoria and I have in common?" I'm betting it's that they've both slept with Tony Parker.

• Spoiler Alert: It's actually that they're both "huge NBA fans"

• Spoiler Alert: This term hasn't been used correctly once in this post

• Spoiler Alert: I don't care

• Spoiler Alert.
  

WHAT I WOULD ASK JAY-Z IF I WERE INTERVIEWING HIM AT THE 2007 MTV MOVIE AWARDS:

“Jay, you’re an incredibly successful musician, businessman, and entrepreneur. With the recent introduction of TRUMP STEAKS, when can we expect to see you throw your hat into the ring with your own competitor – ROCKA STEAKS? And will these also be available exclusively through The Sharper Image, or will you seek a similar alternative hi-end vendor, such as Brookstone?”












Now please enjoy the following version of "99 Problems" featuring Scottie Pippen dunking on people.

Lost thoughts from a lost weekend

Tim McCarver had some interesting thoughts during Saturday’s Yankees/Red Sox tangle. Early in the game, he took exception with Fox corporate sponsor Burger King for claiming David Ortiz’s “hot zone” was middle-up. McCarver claimed that Ortiz’s true danger area for opposing pitchers was actually low. What I found most interesting about this is that the “hot zone” is a mathematical break-down of 9 areas in and around the strike-zone. So really what McCarver was disputing here was math, not The Home of the Whopper.

McCarver followed up this whopper (puns!) by stating late in the game that he believed the majority of Red Sox fans were staying around in what he seemed to think was a already decided baseball game just for the chance to see Alex Rodriguez POSSIBLY make the last out in the 9th to end the game (which didn’t even end up happening). I’m not sure where McCarver spends most of his time (although I’m willing to bet it’s not watching baseball), but in Boston, people actually tend to stay until the END of the game. It’s something that kind of goes along with being a baseball fan.

WHAT I THINK PROBABLY HAPPENED IN THE 45 MINUTE YANKEE TEAM MEETING

Team members are seated around the room. They have all repositioned their chairs to face towards each other as opposed to their usual direction facing their own lockers. There is a dull hum of ambient chatter. Joe Torre enters.

TORRE: Alright, let’s get this going.

Torre signals towards the back of the room where Melky Cabrera is seated next to a CD player marked “AMBIENT CHATTER”. Melky presses the STOP button. The room becomes eerily quiet.

The awkward silence continues for approximately three more minutes until Derek Jeter decides to step up.

JETER: I've been a Yankee for my entire career. This is all that I know. For me, baseball IS the Yankees. And the Yankees are baseball. Right now, we're not playing baseball the way it should be played, which also means we're not being Yankees the way we're supposed to be Yankees.

Jorge Posada rises from his seat and walks over to join Jeter.

POSADA: I've been a Yankee my entire career as well. It means pride, determination, will, and support. It means never letting your team down and knowing they'll do the same for you. It means playing baseball at the very highest level it can be played. And I KNOW that everyone in this room is capable of doing that.

From seemingly out of nowhere, Alex Rodriguez suddenly appears flanking both Posada and Jeter.

A-ROD: I've been a Yankee for almost four whole years. In many ways, I feel like I've been a Yankee all my life.

JOHNNY DAMON: Me too!

Posada and Jeter each raise an eye, but both try and shake it off.

POSADA: I think what Alex means is that no matter where we've come from, we're all Yankees, and we've all always wanted to be Yankees.

Seated next to Bobby Abreu toward the back of the room, Scott Proctor slaps a magazine out of Abreu's hands.

ABREU: Hey I was reading that!

PROCTOR: Well knock it off! This is important.

ABREU: Like intentionally throwing at a hitter when you have two strikes on him?

Proctor gives Abreu a menacing look.

Elsewhere in the room, Carl Pavano stands up.

PAVANO: I've been a Yankee for...

Pavano begins to count on his fingers, adding and subtracting.

PAVANO: Well, officially two and a half years, although I missed all of 2006... Actually, I should probably introduce myself. My name is Carl Pavano. I've missed quite a lot of time here due to injury, but I hope to turn that all around... hopefully starting next year, when I come back from Tommy John surgery.

Hideki Matsui taps Andy Pettitte on the shoulder.

MATSUI: Who is that?

PETTITTE: I'm not really sure, I think he said Sal Fasano? But he's missing the facial hair...

MATSUI (confused): Who are you?

At the back of the room, Proctor and Abreu continue to scuffle.

PROCTOR: You best watch out or you just might see a ball up near YOUR head.

Doug Mientkiewicz takes a knee next to Proctor.

MIENTKIEWICZ (whispering): I have a ball you can use if you need.

Mientkiewicz pulls a game-used ball from his back pocket. It faintly says "2004 World Series"

MIENTKIEWICZ: I carry it around with me at all times.

Mientkiewicz looks shiftily from side to side, as if he's being watched.

Back at the front of the room, A-Rod and Jeter have started to exchange words of their own, as Jorge Posada tries helplessly to quell the two.

A-ROD: Maybe if you'd just accept me like the Yankees fans have, things might start to get a little better!

JETER: It's not always all about you, Alex.

A-ROD: You're right. It's not just me. I mean I couldn't put up the tremendous stats that I do without the strong supporting cast I have here in this clubhouse. I'm glad to call each and everyone of them a teammate.

Rodriguez then removes a small voice-recorder from his pocket and tosses it into the corner, where his assistant is standing.

A-ROD (to asst.): Give that to the AP.

Leaning against a locker near the exit towards the back, Mariano Rivera puts his head down in disgust, turns and walks out. While he exits, Jason Giambi nervously enters right by him, flicking an empty cannister into the trash. The letters seem awkwardly altered, and the container appears to read, "Homepathic Generic Helper".

GIAMBI: Did I miss anything?

In what has now become a somewhat noisy room, Mike Mussina remains seated, trying to finish his Sudoku puzzle amidst the escalating commotion.

In the middle of the room, Miguel Cairo, Josh Phelps, and Ron Villone have begun arguing over who is the least insignificant member in the room among the three of them. The clamor has come to a head.

TORRE: ENOUGH!

Joe quickly quiets the crowd.

TORRE: Now I've had just about enough of this, and this is going to end right now.

The room quickly returns to a hush, followed by a long pause as Torre stands staring. After a moment, he breaks the silence.

TORRE: Melky, turn the disc back on.

Cabrera pushes the PLAY button on the CD player, and the room returns to an artificially produced calm.