So by now, most of you have visited the new website I’m writing for. And if you haven’t, I just want you to know that I’m not angry with you, just very disappointed. In any event, some (no one really) have probably been wondering what that means for my “blog” site. Let me reassure you, I will keep it. After all, you don’t throw away your children (unless you are enslaved under a pharaoh’s rule in Biblical Egypt). It will just be that child I love a little less (that’s right kids, no one loves their children equally. Your parents have been lying to you. Now go seek therapy to deal with your mental complex. Insert shameless promotion for www.bgsp.edu. Mom and Dad, you now owe me advertising fees…)
Much like that less loved kid, this page will be filled with hate, spite, expository dribble, and will seemingly never shut up. But it serves its purpose nonetheless: To spew the random thoughts which fly through my head during the course of the day, and reflect on my exciting adventures as I travel the country (NY and MA) on my giant tour vehicle (Peter Pan bus).
For instance, this past weekend brought me to the magical land of Amherst, MA, and the University of Massachusetts. UMass and New York City are actually quite similar. In New York, the streets smell of garbage, urine and alcohol. In Amherst, that’s what the dorms smell like (zing). Anyway, the most exciting part of visiting Amherst was buying a new Red Sox hat. I happened to be in Newbury Comics, when I stumbled upon an MLB collector’s classic Sox hat, complete with authentic “flex fit” elastic, just like they wore in the old days! Because that’s what’s Major League Baseball is about: authenticity, and making sure to preserve the purity of the game… (Too many jokes… Head exploding….can’t type fast enough… blah!)
Speaking of hats, did anyone happen to catch the hat Curt Schilling was wearing during his Disabled List press conference last week? Well I did. It was “Everquest II.” You gotta respect a man who sticks up for what he believes in: curing A.L.S., George W. Bush, and Everquest.
Schilling’s been the man with sound-bites lately. First the Everquest, I mean DL press conference, then his comments on Lou Piniella. Here’s my take on Schilling’s comments: Schilling called him an idiot. Generally, I would find this to be inappropriate and inarticulate, however, Schilling and the Sox also refer to themselves as idiots, to the extreme extent that it is the title of Johnny Damon’s new book (the title of MY new book? “Indigestion.”) so I don’t really know if that’s a complimentary or derogatory. But the one thing that Schilling surely got right here was singling out Lou Piniella. The Sox and D-Rays have been brawling for about four years now. The only constant over this time has been sweet Lou. Come one people. Then he goes and makes excuses like “our pitchers are young… they’re learning how to pitch inside.” Gaaaaa??? This is Major League Baseball!!!!! Not Little League!!!!! Why has no one else commented on this?!?!?!! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thud…..
Please excuse us. We’re experiencing technical difficulties. We’ll return in a moment…
Sorry. I’m ok. I ran into a wall and fell over, and then had to be restrained. But I’m ok now. Anywho, I’ve been heavily sedated, and am going to go pick some flowers and ogle shiny objects in windows. To end this entry, I will leave you with a SUPER SEMI-EXCLUSIVE transcript of my appearance on the award-winning UMass Sports Sunday from this past weekend.
UVC Sports Sunday Confessions:
- Many people think that APP is an acronym for Aaron Perlman-Price. That’s just a coincidence. It actually stands for After Party Poacher. That’s right. I love poached eggs after a night of partying.
- Remember slap bracelets? I created those.
- Most people are aware of my love for both sports and comedy. So it should be no surprise to anyone when I say my true love is… Estelle Getty. I love you Estelle.
Until next time…
- Aaron
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Friday, April 15, 2005
Office Musings
AMBITION:
Someday, I'd like to write and produce the first great TV show about college.
And it wouldn't be a sitcom,
It'd be a comedy.
I would do it somewhat in the style of Sex in the City
Where the college plays a role unto itself
Like the city did for that show
And I'm make it 4 years…
Maybe 5 because of the way things seem to be going with graduation these days
Cap it at 5 though
And then some Hollywood Guy would be like, "well we can follow the characters on, Grad School and what not"
And I'd be like, "that's not the show"
"The show is about college"
And then he'd be like; "well we can do this with you or without you"
I'd be like, "no you can't"
And then I’d pull out the rights to the show, which I'd negotiated in my original contract
And he'd be like; "well I'll by them from you"
And then I'd be like, "sorry no way"
And then he'd be like, "what about 12 million dollars"
And I'd be like, "ok"
Because everyone has a price.
PUNK ROCK MANIFESTO:
UdownWithAPP: I try to do one punk thing every day
UdownWithAPP: just to maintain my rep
FuscachiPegasus: if u show up at work from taking the subway and dont take ur headphones off till ur sitting down then ur money
FuscachiPegasus: really u just have to walk in with them on
UdownWithAPP: see that's really my problem
UdownWithAPP: I've been taking them off right before I pass through the threshold
FuscachiPegasus: its only natural i do the same
FuscachiPegasus: the coolest thing i saw was at the newbury comics in boston in harvard square
FuscachiPegasus: people wearing them while browsing the store
FuscachiPegasus: so punk
WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?:
Adam Levine, singer of Maroon5: "People hated Creed. They don't hate us. At worst, they just don't really like us. Creed ... had that attitude, they pontificated about how great they were, they had a horribly generic band. They were easy to hate and we're just, you know, easy to disregard."
Someday, I'd like to write and produce the first great TV show about college.
And it wouldn't be a sitcom,
It'd be a comedy.
I would do it somewhat in the style of Sex in the City
Where the college plays a role unto itself
Like the city did for that show
And I'm make it 4 years…
Maybe 5 because of the way things seem to be going with graduation these days
Cap it at 5 though
And then some Hollywood Guy would be like, "well we can follow the characters on, Grad School and what not"
And I'd be like, "that's not the show"
"The show is about college"
And then he'd be like; "well we can do this with you or without you"
I'd be like, "no you can't"
And then I’d pull out the rights to the show, which I'd negotiated in my original contract
And he'd be like; "well I'll by them from you"
And then I'd be like, "sorry no way"
And then he'd be like, "what about 12 million dollars"
And I'd be like, "ok"
Because everyone has a price.
PUNK ROCK MANIFESTO:
UdownWithAPP: I try to do one punk thing every day
UdownWithAPP: just to maintain my rep
FuscachiPegasus: if u show up at work from taking the subway and dont take ur headphones off till ur sitting down then ur money
FuscachiPegasus: really u just have to walk in with them on
UdownWithAPP: see that's really my problem
UdownWithAPP: I've been taking them off right before I pass through the threshold
FuscachiPegasus: its only natural i do the same
FuscachiPegasus: the coolest thing i saw was at the newbury comics in boston in harvard square
FuscachiPegasus: people wearing them while browsing the store
FuscachiPegasus: so punk
WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?:
Adam Levine, singer of Maroon5: "People hated Creed. They don't hate us. At worst, they just don't really like us. Creed ... had that attitude, they pontificated about how great they were, they had a horribly generic band. They were easy to hate and we're just, you know, easy to disregard."
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Ranting and Raving (a manifesto)
I would like to hire a hot female intern
And then have a sleazy office affair
And then get sued for sexual harassment
Then go through a long arduous drawn out court case
In which I claim it was consensual
And she claims she was threatened with the loss of her job
But the case will be broken wide open
When I play tapes from the alleged nights in question
That I secretly recorded
BUT
She will then claim the tapes are inadmissible because she was not informed of the recording
AT WHICH TIME
I will present photographic evidence of pictures I took of the disclaimer I had posted in the room
WHICH READ:
"The use of and/or recording by audio and/or visual equipment may be present on this premises. Please be advised"
AS A RESULT
All of the charges will dropped.
FOLLOWED BY
I would like to thank Selina Ellis for her help on material included in this entry.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Killing in the name of... (Jesus and Seafood)
I’ve come to develop a routine when I wake up in the morning before work, which consists more or less of the following:
- Harshly awaken to the buzzing sound of alarm clock. Shut off, go back to bed.
- Harshly awaken to the ringing sound of cell phone alarm. Shut off, lay in bed.
- Scratch myself.
- Throw off covers, stumble up, turn on TV.
- Hear story on either
- Terri Schiavo or
- a school shooting.
- Shower
- Come out to hear story on
- Terri Schiavo or
- A school shooting
- Depending on what they chose to run first that day
If this news media is a reflection of our society, one would have to believe that we are a nation of death. This would explain the heightened cases of gothic behavior, as well as the increasing mainstream popularity of the band Interpol (however, the popularity of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy remains a mystery). The one decision left to the media these days? Which story to run first. I’ll take school shootings for 100!
Our latest school shooting takes place way up north in Minnesota, site of debatably the coldest (temperature wise) school attack in recent memory, where we have another tragic story of a teen going on a murderous shooting spree in his high school, killing ten, including himself, and injury several others (to the surprise of many adults, the teen had expressed no interest in gothic culture or Interpol). Now in the past, we usually had about a one to two week period of mourning before we started in with the usual patronizing “how do we make sure this doesn’t happen again.” This talk is fabulous, and conservatives love it, because it never changes (however, they do not love my use of the word “fabulous”). We always end up focusing on the event, and not the cause. Sure enough, that happened quickly this time. I was watching a cable news network this morning, because I like to watch something trite that you don’t have to think about when I get up. This morning, I was greeted by a man who was explaining the steps we can take to prevent another massacre such as this. Naturally, I expected to hear talk of counseling, therapy, taking more of an interest in America’s youth and making sure we care for our kids. But that type of pussy thinking really belongs in Canada.
The Man instead went into a five-step checklist, itemizing the steps we should take in making our schools safer. At this time, let us take a look at this list:
- A Distinctive Alarm – He stated that this alarm should be different from other alarms, so people know just what sort of emergency to prepare for (and of course by prepare, I mean shit their pants). I think this is an excellent point, because there is a difference between the way I goof off during the fire drill, and the way I fuck-around during a shooting drill. Really, we should have a 3-alarm system: One alarm for shootings, another for fire, and a third for that lucky male student in each school who’s banging his teacher.
- Creative Exiting – Another task our schools have failed to make use of. The students really must be taught this, which includes jumping out of windows, climbing through air ducts, and the highly misunderestimated tunneling out of the building via the use of a spoon, a la Shawshank Redemption.
- Cover and Conceal – Reminiscent of the days of 1950’s bomb drills when children would hide under their desks to protect themselves from the onslaught of nuclear war-fare. But while hiding under a desk may work for nuclear war, it’s certainly not going to save you from a peer with a gun, jeez! So instead, the Man has suggested hiding behind a car. BUT, take note. You must hide behind the FRONT of the car. That way, the engine block will protect you from the tears of lead dispensed from Hitler McNofriends.
- Give the Security Guard a Gun – Obviously. This goes without saying. Because the best way to solve a problem aided by an over accessibility of the unqualified to have guns is to, what else, give out more guns. In this respect, I think we should also give serious thought to arming our mall security.
- How to React – The children must no that even though a murderous rampage is taking place, there are still rules for decorum. For instance, while jumping out a second story window, do so calmly and quietly, one by one, in an organized fashion.
Unfortunately, school shootings are not getting the undivided attention the killers so badly craved as a result of years of shunning by their parents. This is due mainly by America’s unrelenting commitment to help the disabled (did I just say that?)
But Terri Schiavo needs no introduction. At this point, you don’t even have to own a TV to hear about Terri Schiavo. If you open your window, you can hear members from all political backgrounds expertly debate and formulate arguments regarding a woman who they don’t know and will never meet. But that won’t stop us from putting her on the cross for our respected causes!
Speaking of putting people on the cross, it appears Mel Gibson, silently stewing in a creamy broth of frustration, has decided to take it upon himself to be somewhat of an Anti-Clint Eastwood, finding his own Million Dollar Baby. Only in this case, Gibson will rewrite the ending the way Jesus would have intended it. From the classy and hollowed ground of Drago’s Seafood Restaurant, Gibson penned a statement in which he pledged his support for Terri’s parents. Interestingly enough, although Gibson found it prudent to take the initiative to get up and say something with a mouth full of crab cakes, he apparently could not devote the same time to spell checking the name of the girl he was supporting. But, we are none of us perfect. In another fascinating coincidence, both Jesus and Terri have people who, though they have had no actual contact with them, have taken it upon themselves to speak on their behalf. OOOOOhhhh. Spooky isn’t it?? I smell Oscar®……
Putting aside all our differences for the sake of ending this entry, I think Mel, Terri, Clint, Jesus, Angry Teen and School Shooting Prevention Guy can all agree on one thing: Soledad O’Brien is really hot.
Until Next Time...
Footnotes for the Uninformed:
- Terri Schiavo is a woman whose heart temporarily stopped in 1990 as a result of the battle with an eating disorder, sending her into a “permanent vegetative state,” in which she has remained since. Similar conditions have been recognized to occur as a result of watching excessive amounts of “Will & Grace.”
- Side-note* - If I hear the phrase “permanent vegetative state” one more time, I’m going to take a permanent vegetative shit right on top of the television.
- Misunderestimated, though not actually a word, was made popular by The President of the United States. See also: Nucular, Irregardless.
- “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” is a show where five fabulous gay men are brought in to fix up a straight man, usually for the assumed benefit of his female counterpart (because who knows more about pleasing women than gay men).
- “Fabulous” is a word that has been annexed by the homosexual community, such as queer, gay, and Rafael.
- Interpol is a band whose members and fans alike seem to have a pension for dressing in gothic attire (interestingly enough, their music rocks)
- Canada is the country that borders us to the North. Their Royal Canadian Mounted Police are fabulous dressers.
- Million Dollar Baby was the Academy Award winner for Best Picture this year, proving what a down year it was for cinema.
- Soledad is an anchor for the CNN morning show.
- Jesus is our Lord and Savior
HEY YOU! YEAH, YOU, SMELLY! MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD! POST A COMMENT ON "THE SOCK." IT JUST MIGHT END UP ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR WITH SAID FOOT GARMENT!
Monday, March 14, 2005
Don't Call it a Comeback (it's Madness!)
So I’ve decided to resurrect my journal/blog/slam-book/memoirs/rotisserie-roaster. Whatever you want to call it, it’s back, yet again. It has now been resurrected more times than Jesus. And of course by that, I am referring to the rock group Jesus Jones. How long will “the sock” be with us this time around? Who knows? It probably really depends on how bored I get, and how much free time I maintain at work. But that’s the excitement of “the sock.” You never know where or when it’s going to turn up next; Kind of like Jesus (Jones).
I’ve been kicking around several possible topics for the comeback entry for weeks now, but none seemed to make it through to fruition (fruition: to complete, not to make a smoothie). But one topic grabbed me and shook me like a British au pair, with enough force to finally push me over the e-logging hump. That topic? March Madness!!
That’s right! The same category that spawned a flurry of entries at this same time last year has done it once again without fail! Let me set the scene for you…
It’s about 5:55 pm Sunday night. I’m sitting in The Room Formally Known as (my cousin) Lisa’s Room, where I have been taking up residence while looking for an apartment in NY. Alas, while there seems to be an abundance of pregnant women looking for roommates, nothing has quite struck my fancy, and my price range, as of yet (but that is another story for another day. Back to the Madness!)
So as I said, it’s 5:55 pm, and I’m playing video games, when all of a sudden I get the uncontrollable urge to change the channel to CBS (never in my life did I think I would ever scribe this phrase). Sure enough, I’m greeted by the face of Greg Gumble, who is accompanied by the loveable Clark Kellogg and the incomprehensible “Seth Davis of Sports Illustrated” (apparently this is now his legal name, and he must be referred to as such at all times).
Side note – did anyone else notice at the Oscars® last month that the announcer added an adjective to everyone’s name who she called to the stage? For instance, “the loveable Mike Myers” was one. Who got to decide these? Next year, in an attempt to make the Oscars® more interactive, I think the audience should be able to particpate in an online vote to determine these titles. Then next year we could be lucky enough to hear such beauties as “the humorless Sean Penn” or “the skeletal Clint Eastwood” and, with the aid of a comeback role, “the cosmetically-augmented Morgan Fairchild.”
Anyway, after a quick commercial break (I’m waiting for Dave Chappelle to copyright that phrase), CBS kicks off its annual Selection Show at 6 pm. And we’re off to a blazing start, with Greg Gumble mispronouncing the word “studio” twice. Remarkable! The generally unflappable Gumble fumbles the lead in! But it’s a great metaphor for college basketball. That’s the kind of year it’s been. You never know what is going to happen. But I give credit to Gumble, who acknowledged his mistake in a clever and witty way. If only the Knicks could get Isaiah Thomas to do this…
My first “son-of-a-bitch, how-the-hell-did-that-happen?” Moment of the night? Georgia Tech getting a 5 seed in the Albuquerque bracket (the equivalent of the NFL calling superbowl XXXIX “the Jacksonville bowl”). Let's review: G Tech is a bubble team entering the ACC tournament. They get to the finals of the conference tourney, before losing to Duke. And this garners them a 5 seed??? This means the committee is deaming them a top 20 team. Is there anyone who still believes the committee is not taking into account last year’s performances???
It’s said at the top of the Show that Illinois is the number 1 seed overall, yet UNC gets to play the winner of the “play-in” game. After watching Cold Pizza this morning, it’s explained that this is for scheduling purposed only. So Illinois gets # 1, but denied their due as such? I will now refer to this as the “Arrested Development” clause.
Jim Nantz, while excusing himself for using hyperbole (that’s a first), calls the Syracuse Bracket “one of the greatest brackets ever.” Nantz then went on to call the Michael Jackson jury, “the greatest group of jurors ever assembled,” and the hot dogs in the Worcester Centrum to be “the most mouth-watering piece of lard ever made.” Nantz was then served with a lawsuit by the attorney for Donald Trump.
Sports Illustrated’s “slippery-when-wet” Seth Davis closes the show in defense of Indiana, who Davis says should have made the tournament, claiming, “what happens in the conference is what’s most important.” On the heels of that statement, St. Joseph’s coach Phil Martelli announced that his team would play all 31 of their games next year against A-10 opponents.
The overall most hilarious moment of the night was when Boston College was revealed as a 4 seed. CBS subsequently cuts live to the dining hall at BC, where a clearly ticked Al Skinner sits with his arms tightly crossed, flanked by the sulking members of his squad, while a lone student in the background applauds the bid. Make a mental note: this is the mark by which all future awkward claps should be measured.
Though there were no championship calibre Billy Packer moments this year, like last years benchmark war of words with Phil Martelli, there were some classic Parker head-scratching moments. My favorite? When Packer trumped up Southern Illinois, saying the Salukis were a dangerous team that could move deep into the tournament, and then immediately followed that up by saying Oklahoma St, a #2 seed, could have easily been a #1, and is a great team going to the Sweet 16. In case you didn’t know, Southern Illinois and Oklahoma St. are slated to play each other in the second round, thus making Packer’s predictions, um, lets say difficult. But I enjoy that no one questions Packer’s seemingly contradictory comments. He’s achieved the same standing in the media as President Bush. I don’t know which feat is more remarkable.
Sadly, the Selection Show had to come to an end, as this entry must too (maybe less sadly. Actually, I think they are equally sad performances. Take that as you will). I don’t know what’s worse, having to wait another year for the next Selection Show, or having to wait four days for the tourney to begin. Until then, I’ll be filling out my brackets with Jesus (Jones)...
I’ve been kicking around several possible topics for the comeback entry for weeks now, but none seemed to make it through to fruition (fruition: to complete, not to make a smoothie). But one topic grabbed me and shook me like a British au pair, with enough force to finally push me over the e-logging hump. That topic? March Madness!!
That’s right! The same category that spawned a flurry of entries at this same time last year has done it once again without fail! Let me set the scene for you…
It’s about 5:55 pm Sunday night. I’m sitting in The Room Formally Known as (my cousin) Lisa’s Room, where I have been taking up residence while looking for an apartment in NY. Alas, while there seems to be an abundance of pregnant women looking for roommates, nothing has quite struck my fancy, and my price range, as of yet (but that is another story for another day. Back to the Madness!)
So as I said, it’s 5:55 pm, and I’m playing video games, when all of a sudden I get the uncontrollable urge to change the channel to CBS (never in my life did I think I would ever scribe this phrase). Sure enough, I’m greeted by the face of Greg Gumble, who is accompanied by the loveable Clark Kellogg and the incomprehensible “Seth Davis of Sports Illustrated” (apparently this is now his legal name, and he must be referred to as such at all times).
Side note – did anyone else notice at the Oscars® last month that the announcer added an adjective to everyone’s name who she called to the stage? For instance, “the loveable Mike Myers” was one. Who got to decide these? Next year, in an attempt to make the Oscars® more interactive, I think the audience should be able to particpate in an online vote to determine these titles. Then next year we could be lucky enough to hear such beauties as “the humorless Sean Penn” or “the skeletal Clint Eastwood” and, with the aid of a comeback role, “the cosmetically-augmented Morgan Fairchild.”
Anyway, after a quick commercial break (I’m waiting for Dave Chappelle to copyright that phrase), CBS kicks off its annual Selection Show at 6 pm. And we’re off to a blazing start, with Greg Gumble mispronouncing the word “studio” twice. Remarkable! The generally unflappable Gumble fumbles the lead in! But it’s a great metaphor for college basketball. That’s the kind of year it’s been. You never know what is going to happen. But I give credit to Gumble, who acknowledged his mistake in a clever and witty way. If only the Knicks could get Isaiah Thomas to do this…
My first “son-of-a-bitch, how-the-hell-did-that-happen?” Moment of the night? Georgia Tech getting a 5 seed in the Albuquerque bracket (the equivalent of the NFL calling superbowl XXXIX “the Jacksonville bowl”). Let's review: G Tech is a bubble team entering the ACC tournament. They get to the finals of the conference tourney, before losing to Duke. And this garners them a 5 seed??? This means the committee is deaming them a top 20 team. Is there anyone who still believes the committee is not taking into account last year’s performances???
It’s said at the top of the Show that Illinois is the number 1 seed overall, yet UNC gets to play the winner of the “play-in” game. After watching Cold Pizza this morning, it’s explained that this is for scheduling purposed only. So Illinois gets # 1, but denied their due as such? I will now refer to this as the “Arrested Development” clause.
Jim Nantz, while excusing himself for using hyperbole (that’s a first), calls the Syracuse Bracket “one of the greatest brackets ever.” Nantz then went on to call the Michael Jackson jury, “the greatest group of jurors ever assembled,” and the hot dogs in the Worcester Centrum to be “the most mouth-watering piece of lard ever made.” Nantz was then served with a lawsuit by the attorney for Donald Trump.
Sports Illustrated’s “slippery-when-wet” Seth Davis closes the show in defense of Indiana, who Davis says should have made the tournament, claiming, “what happens in the conference is what’s most important.” On the heels of that statement, St. Joseph’s coach Phil Martelli announced that his team would play all 31 of their games next year against A-10 opponents.
The overall most hilarious moment of the night was when Boston College was revealed as a 4 seed. CBS subsequently cuts live to the dining hall at BC, where a clearly ticked Al Skinner sits with his arms tightly crossed, flanked by the sulking members of his squad, while a lone student in the background applauds the bid. Make a mental note: this is the mark by which all future awkward claps should be measured.
Though there were no championship calibre Billy Packer moments this year, like last years benchmark war of words with Phil Martelli, there were some classic Parker head-scratching moments. My favorite? When Packer trumped up Southern Illinois, saying the Salukis were a dangerous team that could move deep into the tournament, and then immediately followed that up by saying Oklahoma St, a #2 seed, could have easily been a #1, and is a great team going to the Sweet 16. In case you didn’t know, Southern Illinois and Oklahoma St. are slated to play each other in the second round, thus making Packer’s predictions, um, lets say difficult. But I enjoy that no one questions Packer’s seemingly contradictory comments. He’s achieved the same standing in the media as President Bush. I don’t know which feat is more remarkable.
Sadly, the Selection Show had to come to an end, as this entry must too (maybe less sadly. Actually, I think they are equally sad performances. Take that as you will). I don’t know what’s worse, having to wait another year for the next Selection Show, or having to wait four days for the tourney to begin. Until then, I’ll be filling out my brackets with Jesus (Jones)...
Monday, December 13, 2004
Bidding Adieu to Daddy
Today, we end another era in Red Sox history, the Pedro Martinez era. For those of you who may have not yet heard (which, if you’re reading this at the time I’m posting it, may be a lot, but if you’re reading it weeks later, well, maybe you still didn’t know because you are happy under your rock. And to all those people I ask, how do you have internet access under there?) Pedro Martinez has made a verbal agreement (not to be confused with an oral agreement, which is what Paris Hilton makes) with the New York Mets for 4 years, $56 million.
And how bout those Mets?! You have to really respect a team that is willing to spend the money to make their team “a contender”, not matter what the cost. You figured employing the eighth highest-paid played in all of baseball last year (Mo Vaughn - $18 million, which breaks down to over $100,000 a game for every game Vaughn missed due to his retirement) might slow the Mets down a little. It’s good to see new GM Omar “don’t call me Nomar” Minaya keeping that Mets tradition of overpaying-free-agents-in-the-backend-of-their-careers alive in Queens.
I’ve actually come to a new theory about the Mets. I think they are in collusion with the Yankees. Think about it. Steinbrenner takes a ton of heat for perennially setting the record for highest payroll. People kick and scream, saying the Yankees buy their titles. So they team up with the Mets, who agree to spend an almost equally gargantuan sum of money every year, only to perennially come in fourth in their division in the NATIONAL LEAGUE (which is, by the way, quickly on its way to becoming to baseball what the Eastern Conference is to basketball, and the NFC is to football), demonstrating that flagrant spending does not a championship guarantee, in exchange for Steinbrenner’s promise to show up for pictures at the Mets annual Christmas Party.
But enough about the Mets, this is about Pedro. And just what is Pedro at the moment? Well, he’s sort of an enigma. He’s 33 years old, with a history of shoulder problems, on an already small frame. He’s coming off a year where he was 16-5, competing for a Cy Young Award, then proceeded to drop his last 4 starts in September to close out the year. He performed well in postseason play, but not well enough to quell all concerns. Reportedly, he felt that the Red Sox were overly concerned with how he had pitched this past year, and not looking enough over his career with the team as a whole. But how can you not look at last year? This is a “what-have-you-done-for-me-lately” sport today. And in the end, it looks like that’s what it was coming down to for Pedro. The Mets were doing more for him lately.
However people want to spin it, this is also about the Red Sox. This ownership has a clear philosophy and idea about spending. They come to a distinct dollar amount that they are willing to devote to each player, and are not going to make concessions based on emotions or popularity. That being said, the Red Sox offered Pedro a deal that they felt he was worth, and a very fair amount at that. But the Mets, who saw an opportunity to temporarily get the fans from beating down their doors, as well as a chance to bring more dwarfs into the clubhouse (ala Pedro’s little friend) went above market value. There is no accounting for that. Just like there appears to be no Accounting Department in the Mets Organization.
Ultimately, this is about Pedro AND the Red Sox, and the seven astounding seasons he pitched here. Over that time, he compiled a record of 117-37, with a 2.50 ERA (the league average ERA over that span was 4.74). and a mindboggling 1.683 strikeouts. But numbers and everything else aside, the real treat of having Pedro was getting to watch him pitch.
I went to a game a few years back with my dad. It was a Friday Spring night. It was also Mo Vaughn’s first game back at Fenway. And it just so happened that Pedro was pitching. This was also the only time I have ever had the privilege to see Pedro pitch in person. He was simply dominating, with complete control of the strike zone, utter mastery on every pitch, striking out 16, including Vaughn 3 times. The cheers Vaughn received when he stepped to the plate were huge and heartfelt, but they were even bigger as he walked away from the plate, humbled by Pedro’s power. There are few moments in life where you are actually aware of the significance of a moment while still IN that moment, so much so that you know you will remember it for the rest of your life. That night was one of those moments, and both my dad and I knew it.
There are a lot of exciting events you might get to witness at a baseball game. But seeing a first ballot hall-of-fame pitcher pitch at the very pinnacle of his ability is one of the greatest and most amazing experiences I have ever had in my sporting life. Maybe some Mets fans will get to witness that. Maybe they won’t. Maybe Pedro will win 4 more Cy Young Awards. Maybe he won’t win any. Maybe Pedro will leave in a blaze of glory after this championship, congenially thanking the fans in the local papers. Maybe he’ll be cranky and feud with the writers while everyone plays the blame game. No matter what happens, that will never change what Pedro accomplished here, and what he gave this city for seven seasons. And nothing will ever change what he gave me on a Friday night at Fenway.
And how bout those Mets?! You have to really respect a team that is willing to spend the money to make their team “a contender”, not matter what the cost. You figured employing the eighth highest-paid played in all of baseball last year (Mo Vaughn - $18 million, which breaks down to over $100,000 a game for every game Vaughn missed due to his retirement) might slow the Mets down a little. It’s good to see new GM Omar “don’t call me Nomar” Minaya keeping that Mets tradition of overpaying-free-agents-in-the-backend-of-their-careers alive in Queens.
I’ve actually come to a new theory about the Mets. I think they are in collusion with the Yankees. Think about it. Steinbrenner takes a ton of heat for perennially setting the record for highest payroll. People kick and scream, saying the Yankees buy their titles. So they team up with the Mets, who agree to spend an almost equally gargantuan sum of money every year, only to perennially come in fourth in their division in the NATIONAL LEAGUE (which is, by the way, quickly on its way to becoming to baseball what the Eastern Conference is to basketball, and the NFC is to football), demonstrating that flagrant spending does not a championship guarantee, in exchange for Steinbrenner’s promise to show up for pictures at the Mets annual Christmas Party.
But enough about the Mets, this is about Pedro. And just what is Pedro at the moment? Well, he’s sort of an enigma. He’s 33 years old, with a history of shoulder problems, on an already small frame. He’s coming off a year where he was 16-5, competing for a Cy Young Award, then proceeded to drop his last 4 starts in September to close out the year. He performed well in postseason play, but not well enough to quell all concerns. Reportedly, he felt that the Red Sox were overly concerned with how he had pitched this past year, and not looking enough over his career with the team as a whole. But how can you not look at last year? This is a “what-have-you-done-for-me-lately” sport today. And in the end, it looks like that’s what it was coming down to for Pedro. The Mets were doing more for him lately.
However people want to spin it, this is also about the Red Sox. This ownership has a clear philosophy and idea about spending. They come to a distinct dollar amount that they are willing to devote to each player, and are not going to make concessions based on emotions or popularity. That being said, the Red Sox offered Pedro a deal that they felt he was worth, and a very fair amount at that. But the Mets, who saw an opportunity to temporarily get the fans from beating down their doors, as well as a chance to bring more dwarfs into the clubhouse (ala Pedro’s little friend) went above market value. There is no accounting for that. Just like there appears to be no Accounting Department in the Mets Organization.
Ultimately, this is about Pedro AND the Red Sox, and the seven astounding seasons he pitched here. Over that time, he compiled a record of 117-37, with a 2.50 ERA (the league average ERA over that span was 4.74). and a mindboggling 1.683 strikeouts. But numbers and everything else aside, the real treat of having Pedro was getting to watch him pitch.
I went to a game a few years back with my dad. It was a Friday Spring night. It was also Mo Vaughn’s first game back at Fenway. And it just so happened that Pedro was pitching. This was also the only time I have ever had the privilege to see Pedro pitch in person. He was simply dominating, with complete control of the strike zone, utter mastery on every pitch, striking out 16, including Vaughn 3 times. The cheers Vaughn received when he stepped to the plate were huge and heartfelt, but they were even bigger as he walked away from the plate, humbled by Pedro’s power. There are few moments in life where you are actually aware of the significance of a moment while still IN that moment, so much so that you know you will remember it for the rest of your life. That night was one of those moments, and both my dad and I knew it.
There are a lot of exciting events you might get to witness at a baseball game. But seeing a first ballot hall-of-fame pitcher pitch at the very pinnacle of his ability is one of the greatest and most amazing experiences I have ever had in my sporting life. Maybe some Mets fans will get to witness that. Maybe they won’t. Maybe Pedro will win 4 more Cy Young Awards. Maybe he won’t win any. Maybe Pedro will leave in a blaze of glory after this championship, congenially thanking the fans in the local papers. Maybe he’ll be cranky and feud with the writers while everyone plays the blame game. No matter what happens, that will never change what Pedro accomplished here, and what he gave this city for seven seasons. And nothing will ever change what he gave me on a Friday night at Fenway.
Monday, November 15, 2004
The World That I Know
It’s been about a month since my last post (gasp!). I wish I could say there was some exciting reason postponing any possible entry, but there isn’t. The truth is, nothing exciting or noteworthy has happened in the last 30 days, absolutely nothing, a totally bland month... with the exception, of course, of the Red Sox becoming the 1st team in professional sports to overcome a 0-3 deficit to win a playoff series (yeah, I know nay-sayers will say it’s happened twice in hockey, but we all know this doesn’t count. Even hockey fans know. Just admit it, you’ll feel better) en route to capturing their first World Series Championship in 86 years; the Patriots record winning streak coming to an end at 21 games, and just 1 DAY short of 400 consecutive without a loss; a Presidential election; an assault on Falluja; the release of a new Eminem CD, and the untimely passing of The O.D.B; But other than that, nothing has happened.
I’m choosing not to comment on any of those stories. Why? Well, mostly because more intelligent, more experienced, more qualified, more respected, and, most of all, more timely writers have already exhausted all of these issues, having said all that could possibly be said about these topics (with the exception possibly of O.D.B. No one tires of "the old dirty chinese restaurant.") So instead of beating a dead horse (no matter how fun animal cruelty may be), I’m going to comment on the smaller things on the fringe of society that almost no one has written about! This serves two purposes. 1. It allows me to give you little tid bits of information to consider that maybe you never thought of (or have thought of and are looking for one other loco person you have something in common with. If that is the case, I hear friendster is good for that), and 2. It eliminates all of my possible competition. So, in no particular order, I present to you the most recent installment of.... THE CRAZY WORLD IN WHICH WE LIVE.
ADVENTURES IN ADVERTISING
Contrary to popular belief, and whatever bullshit line a company owned by a family of KKK members may be trying to feed us, COLD IS NOT A TASTE! I REPEAT, COLD IS NOT A TASTE! A beer cannot possibly be the coldest tasting beer in America, because COLD IS NOT A TASTE!!!!!!
PATRIOTISM
Here, I introduce another new segment, “Things you probably didn’t know, so I’ll tell you.” "Insurgents," the word you commonly hear involving Iraqui citizens fighting against American soldiers, actually means “to rise up against political power or authority.” Contrary to popular belief, it is not a synonym for terrorist. Actually, in the United States, when we do this to rogue nations, we call it “Patriotism.”
IT’S LIKE RAIN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY...
In the wake of the riots that followed the Red Sox historic defeat of the New York Yankees in game 7, which included a young Emerson College student getting killed by a Boston Police Officer, the Boston Police Commissioner called the happening “ironic,” as the student was killed by a pepper pellet gun that was marketed as a “less than lethal weapon” (sort of like Peter McNeely). This just re-opens the whole debate about the use of the word “ironic” (see "The People V. Alanis Morrisett,", 1994). Let’s get this straight. Ironic is when you buy a new pair of shoes and you step in a pile of dog shit. Ironic is NOT when you accidentally kill somebody, or 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife, or meeting the man of your dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife. Damn it. Now that song is stuck in my head. Thanks a lot, Glen Ballard.
...JUSTICE IS BLIND, AND SOCIETY IS RETARDED (I’m afraid of Americans)
Upon hearing the verdict in the Scott Peterson trial, groups of people huddled together listening on radios in the streets (which is now what the cool kids in Brooklyn do. COURT RADIO! Catch the fever!), cheered as Peterson was convicted of 1st and 2nd degree murder. I for one was really moved by such a touching display of compassion. What a great site to see. A woman and her unborn baby are brutally murdered, and her convicted murderer husband is probably now about to be put to death. YAY! Now that’s something to celebrate!! GET OUT THE BANNERS AND THE STREAMERS! IT’S PARTY TIME! And you thought the Red Sox World Series victory was something to cheer about!!
SWEET HOME ALABAMA
Fans attending the Oklahoma/Nebraska football game Saturday night booed after hearing the announcement over the PA system welcoming NBC News Anchor Tom Brokaw to the game. Apparently, despite winning an election that geographically divided the country in a way not seen since 1904, the South still seems to be a little ticked off over presumed “northern elitism” and control of a “liberal media.” To mend fences and bring the country together, I’ve come up with the perfect gift on behalf of the North to extend the olive branch to the South: Carson Daly.
MY COUNTRY TIS OF THEE, SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY
The newly appointed Attorney General of the United States is Judge Alberto Gonzales. In an introductory speech announcing his appointment, President Bush said that Gonzales would uphold the civil rights that each citizen of this country is granted (except of course for Gays and non-Christians). Gonzales is most noted for his statements regarding the rules of the Geneva Convention and their validity (or lack thereof) among prisoners of the US in Guantanamo Bay. Gonzales called the rules “quaint” and “obsolete.” Personally, I like an Attorney General who refers to rules of International Law in the same terms that I use to describe my iMac. But it fits right along with Bush's comments on our tax system being "too complicated and confusing," (The same thing he said about his time at Yale). BUSH 2004: KEEPING IT SIMPLE (except for Gays and Jews).
I HAVE A DREAM
...That one day, we will stop killing America’s babies! On a cable news debate show this week, a guest cited the late Dr. Martin Luther King in defending his own argument against abortion, claiming Dr. King’s writing’s from prison establish the notion that King got most of his belief’s from the bible, and thus would be opposed to all abortion practices. Don’t you loooove it when people cite dead people as would-be supporters of their beliefs, deciding how they would have felt and what they would have thought about a certain issue?! I mean, it’s great, because it’s indisputable, because, well, they’re dead. I did, however, think the man somewhat toed the line of good taste, when he claimed that Stalin was “all about the abortions” and a pro-choice belief was what gave power to Hitler’s Nazi Party.
AIN’T NOTHIN WRONG WITH A LITTLE BUMP AND GRIND
Finally, Ron Artest was suspended for 2 games this past week when he asked for time off to recuperate from the rigors of producing his “girls” upcoming R&B (not hip hop!!!!!) album. Personally, I think the Pacers should have granted his request. I mean, the NBA regular season is clearly getting entirely too competitive. Case in point: Some of the Blazers of Portland have started showing up to play their games SOBER. We must put an end to this before it gets out of hand and we’re back in the 80’s with the short shorts and high field goal and free-throw percentages. Who wants that? Give me missed 10 footers and sloppy ball handling over strong fundamentals and good defense!
That's all for now. I'd write more, but I'm watching Kobe Bryant being booed at the American Music Awards. TV doesn't get better than this.
Until Next Time,
Aaron
FOOTNOTES FOR THE UNINFORMED:
- Friendster is some sort of internet program that connects people and supposedly brings people together, so I've heard, kinda like JDate for the masses.
- JDate is a dating site, bringing young Jewish people together, kinda like Outdoor Adventure.
- Outdoor Adventure is program where young, wealthy, Jewish teens can get together in a traveling summer camp atmosphere, and hook-up with each other, kinda like an Orgy.
- An Orgy is..... EDITOR'S CENSORSHIP
- Peter McNeely is a Boxer from Boston who had that luxory of getting pounded for a minute and 15 seconds by Mike Tyson in Tyson's first fight after being released from prison.
- Glen Ballard is a record producer, responsible for "Jagged Little Pill" by Alanis, and in 2001, somehow managed to produce the only universally panned Dave Matthews Band album.
I’m choosing not to comment on any of those stories. Why? Well, mostly because more intelligent, more experienced, more qualified, more respected, and, most of all, more timely writers have already exhausted all of these issues, having said all that could possibly be said about these topics (with the exception possibly of O.D.B. No one tires of "the old dirty chinese restaurant.") So instead of beating a dead horse (no matter how fun animal cruelty may be), I’m going to comment on the smaller things on the fringe of society that almost no one has written about! This serves two purposes. 1. It allows me to give you little tid bits of information to consider that maybe you never thought of (or have thought of and are looking for one other loco person you have something in common with. If that is the case, I hear friendster is good for that), and 2. It eliminates all of my possible competition. So, in no particular order, I present to you the most recent installment of.... THE CRAZY WORLD IN WHICH WE LIVE.
ADVENTURES IN ADVERTISING
Contrary to popular belief, and whatever bullshit line a company owned by a family of KKK members may be trying to feed us, COLD IS NOT A TASTE! I REPEAT, COLD IS NOT A TASTE! A beer cannot possibly be the coldest tasting beer in America, because COLD IS NOT A TASTE!!!!!!
PATRIOTISM
Here, I introduce another new segment, “Things you probably didn’t know, so I’ll tell you.” "Insurgents," the word you commonly hear involving Iraqui citizens fighting against American soldiers, actually means “to rise up against political power or authority.” Contrary to popular belief, it is not a synonym for terrorist. Actually, in the United States, when we do this to rogue nations, we call it “Patriotism.”
IT’S LIKE RAIN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY...
In the wake of the riots that followed the Red Sox historic defeat of the New York Yankees in game 7, which included a young Emerson College student getting killed by a Boston Police Officer, the Boston Police Commissioner called the happening “ironic,” as the student was killed by a pepper pellet gun that was marketed as a “less than lethal weapon” (sort of like Peter McNeely). This just re-opens the whole debate about the use of the word “ironic” (see "The People V. Alanis Morrisett,", 1994). Let’s get this straight. Ironic is when you buy a new pair of shoes and you step in a pile of dog shit. Ironic is NOT when you accidentally kill somebody, or 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife, or meeting the man of your dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife. Damn it. Now that song is stuck in my head. Thanks a lot, Glen Ballard.
...JUSTICE IS BLIND, AND SOCIETY IS RETARDED (I’m afraid of Americans)
Upon hearing the verdict in the Scott Peterson trial, groups of people huddled together listening on radios in the streets (which is now what the cool kids in Brooklyn do. COURT RADIO! Catch the fever!), cheered as Peterson was convicted of 1st and 2nd degree murder. I for one was really moved by such a touching display of compassion. What a great site to see. A woman and her unborn baby are brutally murdered, and her convicted murderer husband is probably now about to be put to death. YAY! Now that’s something to celebrate!! GET OUT THE BANNERS AND THE STREAMERS! IT’S PARTY TIME! And you thought the Red Sox World Series victory was something to cheer about!!
SWEET HOME ALABAMA
Fans attending the Oklahoma/Nebraska football game Saturday night booed after hearing the announcement over the PA system welcoming NBC News Anchor Tom Brokaw to the game. Apparently, despite winning an election that geographically divided the country in a way not seen since 1904, the South still seems to be a little ticked off over presumed “northern elitism” and control of a “liberal media.” To mend fences and bring the country together, I’ve come up with the perfect gift on behalf of the North to extend the olive branch to the South: Carson Daly.
MY COUNTRY TIS OF THEE, SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY
The newly appointed Attorney General of the United States is Judge Alberto Gonzales. In an introductory speech announcing his appointment, President Bush said that Gonzales would uphold the civil rights that each citizen of this country is granted (except of course for Gays and non-Christians). Gonzales is most noted for his statements regarding the rules of the Geneva Convention and their validity (or lack thereof) among prisoners of the US in Guantanamo Bay. Gonzales called the rules “quaint” and “obsolete.” Personally, I like an Attorney General who refers to rules of International Law in the same terms that I use to describe my iMac. But it fits right along with Bush's comments on our tax system being "too complicated and confusing," (The same thing he said about his time at Yale). BUSH 2004: KEEPING IT SIMPLE (except for Gays and Jews).
I HAVE A DREAM
...That one day, we will stop killing America’s babies! On a cable news debate show this week, a guest cited the late Dr. Martin Luther King in defending his own argument against abortion, claiming Dr. King’s writing’s from prison establish the notion that King got most of his belief’s from the bible, and thus would be opposed to all abortion practices. Don’t you loooove it when people cite dead people as would-be supporters of their beliefs, deciding how they would have felt and what they would have thought about a certain issue?! I mean, it’s great, because it’s indisputable, because, well, they’re dead. I did, however, think the man somewhat toed the line of good taste, when he claimed that Stalin was “all about the abortions” and a pro-choice belief was what gave power to Hitler’s Nazi Party.
AIN’T NOTHIN WRONG WITH A LITTLE BUMP AND GRIND
Finally, Ron Artest was suspended for 2 games this past week when he asked for time off to recuperate from the rigors of producing his “girls” upcoming R&B (not hip hop!!!!!) album. Personally, I think the Pacers should have granted his request. I mean, the NBA regular season is clearly getting entirely too competitive. Case in point: Some of the Blazers of Portland have started showing up to play their games SOBER. We must put an end to this before it gets out of hand and we’re back in the 80’s with the short shorts and high field goal and free-throw percentages. Who wants that? Give me missed 10 footers and sloppy ball handling over strong fundamentals and good defense!
That's all for now. I'd write more, but I'm watching Kobe Bryant being booed at the American Music Awards. TV doesn't get better than this.
Until Next Time,
Aaron
FOOTNOTES FOR THE UNINFORMED:
- Friendster is some sort of internet program that connects people and supposedly brings people together, so I've heard, kinda like JDate for the masses.
- JDate is a dating site, bringing young Jewish people together, kinda like Outdoor Adventure.
- Outdoor Adventure is program where young, wealthy, Jewish teens can get together in a traveling summer camp atmosphere, and hook-up with each other, kinda like an Orgy.
- An Orgy is..... EDITOR'S CENSORSHIP
- Peter McNeely is a Boxer from Boston who had that luxory of getting pounded for a minute and 15 seconds by Mike Tyson in Tyson's first fight after being released from prison.
- Glen Ballard is a record producer, responsible for "Jagged Little Pill" by Alanis, and in 2001, somehow managed to produce the only universally panned Dave Matthews Band album.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)