AMERICA, FUCK YEAH

In honor of tonight's Vice Presidential debate - which is sure to be an epic battle of policy and political theory that will remembered for centuries - I thought it would be fun to take a look back at some of the more exceptional moments from Vice Presidential debates past. Please enjoy the following video, and bear my shameless self-promotion.

PLAYOFF PREVIEW - ALDS PART 2

CHICAGO WHITE SOX
VS.
TAMPA BAY RAYS

As late as August, I was still holding on to my now foolish prediction that the Rays would finish in fourth place in the AL East. Maybe I had too much faith in the Yankee offense and the Blue Jays' starters. Maybe I refused to give the Rays the credit they deserved. But for whatever reason, I couldn't believe that this team, who had never managed to finish a season with more than 70 wins, could suddenly not only compete in but actually finish first in one of the toughest divisions in baseball. But I also never thought I would see the day that a team's marketing department would go ahead and let the team wear hats adorned with a giant "TB" on them, so shows what I know. (I have been waiting all season to make this joke. And I will tell you right now, it wasn't worth it. I'm a little disappointed).

The Chicago White Sox scored the third-most runs among the eight teams who made the playoffs. However, they also allowed the most. Ironically, they bested rival Minnesota in a pitcher's duel of all things, 1-0, to make it into October ball. That might be a more difficult feat to pull off against the Rays.

Tampa Bay sports a 29-18 record in one-run games this season. How much does that mean? Just ask those other Sox, the ones from Boston. The Red Sox were involved in six one-runs games with the Rays this year, and they lost EVERY time. Combine that with a solid Rays starting rotation / bullpen and a White Sox club that seems to rely almost exclusively on home runs to score, and this could be a very tough match-up for the South-Siders.

Maybe that's why EVERYONE at ESPN is once again united in their pick.


Either that or they're just really dedicated to finding common ground in an otherwise difficult political climate.

RAYS IN 4 (booooooorrrrrinnnnggg).

PLAYOFF PREVIEW - ALDS PART 1

BOSTON RED SOX
VS.
LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM

The two most popular teams among females face off in what is fast becoming, or at least is hyped as becoming, a modern postseason rivalry.

The Sox have bested the halos in the postseason all three times they've met, which includes a streak of nine consecutive games. But this is a superior Angels team. The only team to win 100 games in the bigs this year, the Angels feature solid starting pitching, a phenomenal bullpen, and strong fundamental hitting that can manufacture runs.

If that's not enough, with their new-and-improved extended team name, they've taken steps to cleverly hide the exact location of where they play. Do they play in Anaheim? Do they play in Los Angeles? Do they switch back and forth? No one really knows for sure. It's just one more weapon the Angels will utilize in their attempt to vanquish the Red Sox from the playoffs for their first time ever.

As for the Red Sox, in many ways their season has been defined not by what they've gained, but by what they've lost: Manny Ramirez. After years of a hot/cold relationship, the Sox finally parted ways with the embattled slugger just before the trading deadline, receiving Pirate-phenom Jason Bay. Bay has not disappointed, anchoring a strong Boston lineup that scores runs in bunches. However, their ability to do that this series may be compromised, as the status of sluggers Mike Lowell and JD Drew remain in question.

Will Boston maintain its dominance over Anaheim/LA? Will the Angels return to their 2002 championship form? Will pretty girls everywhere pretend to be interested? Probably not, possibly, and most certainly.

As much as it pains me, Angels in 5.

PLAYOFF PREVIEW - NLDS PART 2

CHICAGO CUBS
VS.
LOS ANGELES DODGERS

From what I understand, the Dodgers are an amalgamation of homegrown minor league talent from their superior farm system, and former members of the Boston Red Sox. Which means some of them have a lot of playoff experience, and some of them have almost none.

The Cubs hold the statistical advantage in this series, particularly on offense. They have the best run differential in baseball, and scored more runs than all but one team. Chicago also has a sizable lead in rpi, ranking fourth, compared to the Dodgers' 18th. I don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds ominous.

If there's one area the Dodgers look like they might be able to best the Cubs, it's on the mound. Chad Billingsley and Derek Lowe both have sub-3.00 ERAs following the all-star break. For the Cubs, Zambrano has looked as terrible as he's looked invincible. Dempster has had a superb season, yet for some reason remains untested in the eyes of the media.

This series is getting a lot of mention as an "upset special". If Billingsley and Lowe can best the Cub aces, then the Dodgers could take this. In similar hypotheticals, if the Dodgers manage to win more games in this series than the Cubs, I think they might just win it.

CUBS IN 4.

PS - Here's the preview tease of this series, as featured on ESPN.com


If you scroll down, on the SAME PAGE below the fold, you'll find this:


Just how scary are the dodgers? Apparently not very.

PLAYOFF PREVIEW - NLDS PART 1

Just because the Brewers-Phillies series has already begun and the Dodgers-Cubs will probably start before I finish writing this is not reason enough for me to forgo my sometimes-annual playoff preview. And with that stunning introductions, let's get into the division series-es!

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES
VS.
MILWAUKEE BREWERS

Everyone's picking the Phillies to win this series. Don't believe me? I present the following evidence:
Only one analyst, Tim Kurkjian, was able to convince himself that the Brewers are capable of winning more than a single game in this series. And to be fair, Kurkjian always been somewhat of a rebel. Exhibit B:



I can only assume this is Mr. Kurkjian's new file photo, and that the "MAG" print on his shirt is a subtle endorsement of ESPN The Magazine.

The Brewers have one chance to win this series: Pitch C.C. Sabathia as much as possible. Seriously. They're not going to resign him for next season. He is nothing more than a really fancy rental car. And everyone knows that when you have a really fancy rental car, you're obligated to drive it every minute until you have to return it. And if you have gas in the tank at that time, well then you didn't drive it enough!

If Milwaukee can resist the urge to be cute, man up, and pitch Sabathia three times in this series, they can take it. Otherwise, I'm forced to go with everyone else.

PHILLIES IN 4.

SMOKE AND MIRRORS

John McCain has a flare for the dramatic. In the grand tradition of great republican actors such as Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald Reagan, and Rutherford B. Hayes (he had a little-known supporting role in Le Prince's Roundhay Garden Scene. If you look close, you can see him hiding behind a bush), McCain established himself these past two weeks as a thespian in his own right. He started by acting like our economy was strong, then he acted like he understood how our economy worked, followed that up by acting like he actually cared about the economy, then acted like he could single-handedly save our economy by suspending his campaign before finally acting like he wouldn't be able to debate Barack Obama tonight. Fred Thompson, eat your heart out.

The brilliance of McCain's act is that as a result, it doesn't even matter what happens during the course of tonight's debate. McCain and his campaign staff, who apparently were not suspended, have already successfully shifted the narrative for tonight. It's not about issues, it's about attendance. If John McCain shows up, he wins. Hollywood has taught us that lesson countless times.

The Karate Kid is a great example of this narrative. Despite the knee injury suffered at the hands of the Cobra Kai, with the help of Elizabeth Shue and the mystical healing power of his mentor, Mr. Miyagi, Daniel Caruso is ultimately able to finish and win the karate tournament. The moral of this tale is clear: our hero doesn't win because he's better at karate. Our hero wins because he has the courage to show up when times are tough. Barack Obama is McCain's Cobra Kai, Cindy McCain is Elizabeth Shue, and Sarah Palin has magic hands.

It doesn't matter if McCain knows anything about issues like the economy, social security, medicare, health insurance, unemployment, inflation, the environment, globalization, or even foreign affairs. If McCain shows up tonight, he wins. All that's left for him to decide is how he shows up. I see it unfolding sort of like this:



Open on Barack Obama, standing triumphantly, basking in victory. All of a sudden, there is a noise. It grows louder. And louder. And louder. It's a helicopter, and it somehow manages to 1) land inside the auditorium and 2) do so without killing or injuring anyone. Obama and his handlers look anxiously at the chopper, waiting for it's passenger to emerge.

Just then, adorned in a t-shirt made out of an American flag, John McCain stomps out from the vehicle. Onlookers cheer and rush to fill his wake as McCain makes his way to the stage. McCain is focused and undeterred; nothing is going to stand in his way, not even David Plouffe, who McCain effortlessly pushes aside as he approaches the podium. McCain climbs onto the stage, emboldened by the chants of "Drill baby, drill" from the thousands of fans who flooded the already packed arena through the giant whole left in the roof when McCain's 'copter crashed through it. Jim Lehrer attempts to stop McCain, explaining "this contest is over, and you're too late." McCain is undeterred. Grabbing a microphone, he begins his oration:"Everyone wants to know what's wrong with America. There's nothing wrong with America... The only thing wrong with America is YOU, and we're gonna clean house right here, right now."


McCain's harsh words are met with phlegm, emanating from the mouth of David Axelrod. True to his word, McCain does not blink; he dispatches Axelrod, tossing him off the the stage. He then tares off his American-flag shirt, which would seem un-patriotic if not for his rippling muscles now so rightfully exposed. Then the unimaginable happens. After sizing each other up for several seconds that tick by like hours, Obama charges. McCain evades, directing Obama into the lectern. A dazed Obama spins around back towards a waiting McCain, who then delivers the final blow: a devastating hip-slam that leaves a defeated Obama laying helpless on the floor.


McCain is the champion. And the winner is America.

EMOTE OR DIE

If you were looking for a sign that our oil crisis has finally reached critical mass, look no further: P Diddy is flying commercial. That's right, COMMERCIAL. And not only that, he's flying American (apparently he's not powerful enough to get on United).

A regular of the private jet scene, high gas prices have forced Diddy to curtail his lavish expenditures and grind elbows with the beggars and gremlins of First Class.

America, enough is enough. We've watched Katrina devastate the Gulf Coast. We've seen people lose their homes in the subprime mortgage crisis. We've witnessed inflation increase, wages decrease, schools close, jobs lost, and a neverending war overseas. But when the Executive Producer of Making The Band can't even fly on his own private jet twice a month to and from LA to pursue his acting career, action must be taken.

*Special thanks to CNN for alerting me to this story. I anxiously await their forthcoming report on Governor Sarah Palin's 17-year-old daughter's baby daddy.

*Spoiler Alert - He's not actually in coach.