HANDLE WITH CARE

*Note - This blog post was originally scheduled to air on Monday, July 2. Thanks to a limited internet connection and an abundance of time at the beach, its publishing was delayed. The management wishes to apologize for this delay, and encourages you to mentally travel back to a simpler time, like Monday, July 2nd, while reading this post...*


Tired of talk of Paris Hilton? Don't want to hear any more about Anne Coulter? Of course not! But just for fun, let's take a break from celebrity-news for a moment and talk about something that's of serious concern and presents a real threat to us all: fireworks.

That's right. If you haven't noticed, and even if you have, the 4th of July is fast approaching, which means it's time for the obligatory fireworks safety demonstration! Apparently, in addition to being really fun, explosi--, I mean fireworks can also be dangerous, and possibly even illegal... I think. Damn, I really can't remember. I wish there was someone who could tell me if these things were illegal or not...



Ok, so it seems they're probably illegal. But say I DID want one, do you know where I could get one?



Well that's good to know. And all this time I thought the brown paper bag meant I was drinking Jack Daniels! This explains why I never really got buzzed, but did find gunpowder in my saliva...

It seems a little counterintuitive to me that explos-- I mean fireworks could have any downside. Could you tell me otherwise?



She's right. It is a little hard to believe people are still playing around with these things. I mean, what IS the attraction that people have to explosive devises designed for entertainment purposes that are stimulating, dangerous, and exciting?

Next week, we'll explore a little known sport that's taking America by storm: sky-sniping. It's the thrill of skydiving mixed with the constitutional right of big-game hunting.

Until then...

FIRE WATER BURN

Obviously still in a state of shock due to her network's inability to secure Paris Hilton's first post-jail interview, MSNBC news anchor Mika Brzezinski becomes visibly distraught on-air, and demands to be traded from the Lakers*



Take THAT Mika's producer Andy Jones, Larry King, Joe Scarborough, and guy-who-has-a-man-crush-on-tucket-carlson. Mika is NOT to be trifled with. If MSNBC can't have Paris, no one can!


*Footnotes for the Uninformed (the return!):
- This trade demand is reference to Kobe Bryant, LA Lakers forward who demanded a trade, recanted, then demanded to be traded again. He then demanded he be given a hug.

TERMS OF AGREEMENT

Reportedly, attorneys for Major League Baseball and the Players Union are approaching an "agreement on rules" for a meeting between embattled Yankees slugger Jason Giambi and former-Senate Majority Leader and current honorary-Major League Baseball steroid czar George Mitchell. Getting these rules finalized paves the way for the secretaries to the assistants to the managing agents for Major League Baseball and the Players Union to begin talks of when might be a good time to schedule a meeting to discuss possible times for a meeting between said managing agents who would then discuss possible dates for a possible meeting between representatives for Jason Giambi via and the Players Union and representatives for George Mitchell and Major League Baseball. Catch the Fever!

While the country sits on pins and needles in anticipation of dates of press conferences to discuss the scheduling of more meetings, we (me) here at TNMS have obtained EXCLUSIVE* information on just what is contained in this set of rules. A partial list is as follows:

• All questions regarding for Mr. Giambi must be directed to legal counsel for Mr. Giambi and not directly to Mr. Giambi himself.

• Any statements made directly by Mr. Giambi and not through Counsel of Mr. Giambi may not be used to incriminate himself or any others associated with him, and are null and void in all legal context.

• Mr. Giambi will not be asked questions regarding his past, including both professional and personal experiences.

• Mr. Giambi will not be asked about his present, or future.

• Mr. Mitchell must attend the meeting adorned in a yellow sun-dress, high heels (nothing slutty - nothing over 4 inches) and a lemon chiffon hat.

• Mr. Giambi will be granted the right to use an interpreter which he and his counsel will provide. If this interpreter is not available, the meeting will be postponed and subsequently rescheduled for a time when said interpreter is available.

• Snacks, including rice cakes, peanut butter (specifically jiffy), canada dry ginger ale, poland spring water, and skittles must be provided. If said snacks are not available, the meeting will be postponed and subsequently rescheduled for a time when said snacks are available.

• Mr. Giambi is not to be asked any questions regarding the possibility of his taking of steroids.

• Mr. Giambi is not to be asked any questions regarding his bearing witness to any other player taking steroids.

• Mr. Giambi is not to be asked any questions reagarding steroids.

• If Mr. Giambi feels inclined not to attend said meeting, he may elect to send a predetermined representative in his place. If said representative is unavailable, the meeting will be postponed and subsequently rescheduled for a time when said representative is available.

--

*Said "exclusive information" may, in fact, not actually be exclusive nor confirmed information.

THE BEST THING I'VE READ TODAY

"You pissed on my floor"

And this is a close second:

"Gay baby"

WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG

I know I said I'd post on Friday. Surprise surprise, I didn't. And for that, I apologize to the three people who might actually read this. I can say that I will try to make up for this indiscretion by posting multiple times today (although I probably won't).

Speaking of indiscretions, remember the kind you used to make in your youth? Of course you do. We all have them and we all remember them. Maybe you took more than the excusable amount from the take-a-penny-leave-a-penny tray, or sold duplicate cassette tapes of a popular Billy Joel album; or maybe you shot your friend in the leg with a gun on a dare. We've all been there.

But what often seems most memorable is not the actual act or any sort of lingering regret (carpe diem!), but rather the lame adolescent excuse you came up with at the time to cover up your juvenile transgression. (WARNING: NOSTALGIC REMINISCING STORY APPROACHING. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK).

When I was 17, in the prime of my youth, I lost a shoe at a party. This might seem like a pretty trivial point, and it is. After all, material items are fleeting and un-fulfilling (I think Dee Snider said that). But what makes this point absolutely crucial is that I lost it while running up the snow-covered embankment of the backyard of the house which contained the party I was trying to flee as it was being raided by cops.

What makes the loss of the shoe important is that it was about 20 degrees out, and my now-exposed foot was in the process of going numb, which made it increasing difficult and subsequently impossible to keep up with the flock of fellow teenagers who darted down the steets and off to safety, leaving me behind like the wounded deer that I was.

I was, of course, quickly discovered by the police, hobbling down the road slumped over the shoulder of one of my friends who had been kind enough to stay with me. And what did I say to the police when questioned? That we had been walking down the street when we were ransacked by a mob of drug crazed teenagers who had knocked me down in their mad dash, causing me to lose my shoe and render me helpless.

The point is, we all did stupid things when we were kids. And we all made up ridiculous stories to cover them up. If for nothing else, we did this out of necessity, because the only thing that would make these acts seem less egregious is an over-the-top story that only a feeble, undeveloped mind could concoct. Ahhh, those were the days...

I guess what I'm saying is, if you're going to shoot your friend in the leg, try to come up with a better story than "I found him with a gunshot wound." At the very least, throw one of his shoes into the woods. Also, if he's bet you that you won't shoot him, make sure that you only minorly wound him when you do shoot him, because he needs to be in stable enough condition to ante-up to the terms of your wager.



PS - I'm aware of the irony that, in this event, it WAS my sock.

IF YOU CALL, I WILL ANSWER

My devotion to blogging (which, let's face it, was limited to begin with) has taken an additional hit this week as my attention has been diverted to an alternative popular contemporary communication tool... (spoiler alert: it's not carrier pigeon - sadly)... it's the CELL PHONE. And specifically, my new one. It's the first new phone I've gotten in a while, and as a result I've spent a lot of time learning all the new features (I'm currently stuck on the nautical tools - having a lot of trouble calibrating the barometer). However, I DID manage to discover the camera tool! Here's a picture I took of myself after finally figuring out how to use it:

As you can see, I was very tired after spending numerous hours trying to find which button actually captures the picture. Clearly, time well spent.

Since I spent most of my time recovering from the exhaustion of this exercise, I don't have much to post on right now. Tomorrow, I promise to have something more substantial to post here (spoiler alert: it probably won't be that substantial).

For now, I'll leave you with some enjoyable tidbits:

• Rashard Lewis is reportedly interested in playing for the Boston Celtics because "Gerald Green is on the team." In a related story, Quentin Richardson has also expressed interest in becoming a Celtic as a result of "really liking their maintenance staff." Unfortunately, Danny Ainge recently traded said staff for Sebastian Telfair.

• Teasing her upcoming appearance on Sportscenter's "budweiser hot seat", Jessica Alba asked the question, "Do you know what Eva Longoria and I have in common?" I'm betting it's that they've both slept with Tony Parker.

• Spoiler Alert: It's actually that they're both "huge NBA fans"

• Spoiler Alert: This term hasn't been used correctly once in this post

• Spoiler Alert: I don't care

• Spoiler Alert.
  

WHAT I WOULD ASK JAY-Z IF I WERE INTERVIEWING HIM AT THE 2007 MTV MOVIE AWARDS:

“Jay, you’re an incredibly successful musician, businessman, and entrepreneur. With the recent introduction of TRUMP STEAKS, when can we expect to see you throw your hat into the ring with your own competitor – ROCKA STEAKS? And will these also be available exclusively through The Sharper Image, or will you seek a similar alternative hi-end vendor, such as Brookstone?”












Now please enjoy the following version of "99 Problems" featuring Scottie Pippen dunking on people.