AND HERE'S ANOTHER HIT, BARRY BONDS

Barry Bonds record-breaking homerun ball is on the way to the Hall of Fame adorned with an an asterisk, courtesy of Mark Ecko. Also courtesy of Ecko is a new performance-wear t-shirt made especially for Bonds:



Experts predict the shirt to be made available to the public through *ecko unltd. and be on sale at Macy's by Christmas.

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT...

As the 2008 election continues to grow closer (it's a certified fact - it's going to occur eventually), so grows the intensity, relevance, and thought provoking nature of the questions posed to the candidates.

It's for this reason that it comes as no surprise that in the October 9th copy of The Advocate, Senator Hillary Clinton is asked the following question: "How do you respond to the occasional rumor that you're a lesbian?"

What DOES come as surprise is the Senator's response: "It's not true, but it is something that I have no control over."

Bold move from the former First Lady. It's one thing to address your own sexuality on the campaign trail, but it's another to brazenly come out and say that it's something you have no control over...


*UPDATE: Determined not to be overshadowed, embattled Senator Larry Craig said today that "I too am 110% straight, and unlike Senator Clinton, that was a conscious decision... Not that it needed to be, because I've never once had a homosexual thought of any kind, nor do I know anyone of the gay persuasion." Immediately following this comment, Senator Craig paused, then added, "I dig chicks. A LOT."

MIND-FREAK

On the heels of the severely under-reported signal taping scandal, the NFL is currently investigating claims that New England Patriots head Coach Bill Belichick can read minds.

"This matter is still in its preliminary stages," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "The League will reserve comment pending further investigation." It is worth noting that Goodell gave this statement to the press while wearing a protective lead helment on his head. Lead, as is commonly known, is impenetrable to all mind-reading attempts

HOW NOT TO GET TASERED - college edition

Tasering. It's the newest epidemic sweeping our nation. Much like cocaine during the 80's and oversized coffee mugs in the 90's, tasering is becoming harder and harder to avoid. But that doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to fall victim (no pun intended) to this growing fad.

As with any harmful item, the first thing you'll want to do is recognize the problem so you can properly address the issue. There are several warning signs that are associated with tasering that can easily be identified. The following is a partial list of tasing symptoms you should be aware of:

• Uncontrollable muscle twitching
  
• Momentary paralysis
  
• Abdominal pain
  
• Incontinence
  
• fever
  
• nausea
  
• hunger
  
• dry mouth
  
• restless leg
  
• sweaty palms
  
• general fatigue
  
• depression
  
• An increase of high-voltage low-current electrical current pulsing through your body
  

At the onset of any of these symptoms, you should immediately contact your physician. It's possible you are about to be, are being, or in extreme cases, were tasered.

But fear not. There are a number of things you can do yourself to prevent being tasered. Here are six easy things that you can do to keep you clean and out of harms way:

1. Don't Say things like "don't tase me bro"

Evidence shows this tends to lead to immediate tasering.

2. Stay out of lecture halls

Voice safety concerns to your local campus administration. They will most likely excuse you from class. If you go to UMass, just continue not going to class as you normally would.

3. Don't carry your baby through hospital corridors

Instead, conceal your baby in the new porous American Eagle™ brand Baby Bag. In lieu of the Baby Bag, your gym bag will suffice.

4. Carry your own taser

Studies reveal that carrying a taser on you at all times increases your safety level by 17%, and reduces your risk of getting tased by 35% - similar to carrying handguns.

BUT BEWARE! Should you become involved in an altercation in which you are battling another person with a taser, be careful not to cross the streams (see Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters 2).

5. Build a moat around your home

Moats limit the amount of people who have access to your residence, which in turn will limit your opportunity to be tased. *Note - the effectiveness of this method is dependent upon the amount of time you spend in your home in addition to the number of people in your household who own tasers.

6. Avoid places where people are inclined to cheer for your tasing

See below...

HANDLE WITH CARE

*Note - This blog post was originally scheduled to air on Monday, July 2. Thanks to a limited internet connection and an abundance of time at the beach, its publishing was delayed. The management wishes to apologize for this delay, and encourages you to mentally travel back to a simpler time, like Monday, July 2nd, while reading this post...*


Tired of talk of Paris Hilton? Don't want to hear any more about Anne Coulter? Of course not! But just for fun, let's take a break from celebrity-news for a moment and talk about something that's of serious concern and presents a real threat to us all: fireworks.

That's right. If you haven't noticed, and even if you have, the 4th of July is fast approaching, which means it's time for the obligatory fireworks safety demonstration! Apparently, in addition to being really fun, explosi--, I mean fireworks can also be dangerous, and possibly even illegal... I think. Damn, I really can't remember. I wish there was someone who could tell me if these things were illegal or not...



Ok, so it seems they're probably illegal. But say I DID want one, do you know where I could get one?



Well that's good to know. And all this time I thought the brown paper bag meant I was drinking Jack Daniels! This explains why I never really got buzzed, but did find gunpowder in my saliva...

It seems a little counterintuitive to me that explos-- I mean fireworks could have any downside. Could you tell me otherwise?



She's right. It is a little hard to believe people are still playing around with these things. I mean, what IS the attraction that people have to explosive devises designed for entertainment purposes that are stimulating, dangerous, and exciting?

Next week, we'll explore a little known sport that's taking America by storm: sky-sniping. It's the thrill of skydiving mixed with the constitutional right of big-game hunting.

Until then...

FIRE WATER BURN

Obviously still in a state of shock due to her network's inability to secure Paris Hilton's first post-jail interview, MSNBC news anchor Mika Brzezinski becomes visibly distraught on-air, and demands to be traded from the Lakers*



Take THAT Mika's producer Andy Jones, Larry King, Joe Scarborough, and guy-who-has-a-man-crush-on-tucket-carlson. Mika is NOT to be trifled with. If MSNBC can't have Paris, no one can!


*Footnotes for the Uninformed (the return!):
- This trade demand is reference to Kobe Bryant, LA Lakers forward who demanded a trade, recanted, then demanded to be traded again. He then demanded he be given a hug.

TERMS OF AGREEMENT

Reportedly, attorneys for Major League Baseball and the Players Union are approaching an "agreement on rules" for a meeting between embattled Yankees slugger Jason Giambi and former-Senate Majority Leader and current honorary-Major League Baseball steroid czar George Mitchell. Getting these rules finalized paves the way for the secretaries to the assistants to the managing agents for Major League Baseball and the Players Union to begin talks of when might be a good time to schedule a meeting to discuss possible times for a meeting between said managing agents who would then discuss possible dates for a possible meeting between representatives for Jason Giambi via and the Players Union and representatives for George Mitchell and Major League Baseball. Catch the Fever!

While the country sits on pins and needles in anticipation of dates of press conferences to discuss the scheduling of more meetings, we (me) here at TNMS have obtained EXCLUSIVE* information on just what is contained in this set of rules. A partial list is as follows:

• All questions regarding for Mr. Giambi must be directed to legal counsel for Mr. Giambi and not directly to Mr. Giambi himself.

• Any statements made directly by Mr. Giambi and not through Counsel of Mr. Giambi may not be used to incriminate himself or any others associated with him, and are null and void in all legal context.

• Mr. Giambi will not be asked questions regarding his past, including both professional and personal experiences.

• Mr. Giambi will not be asked about his present, or future.

• Mr. Mitchell must attend the meeting adorned in a yellow sun-dress, high heels (nothing slutty - nothing over 4 inches) and a lemon chiffon hat.

• Mr. Giambi will be granted the right to use an interpreter which he and his counsel will provide. If this interpreter is not available, the meeting will be postponed and subsequently rescheduled for a time when said interpreter is available.

• Snacks, including rice cakes, peanut butter (specifically jiffy), canada dry ginger ale, poland spring water, and skittles must be provided. If said snacks are not available, the meeting will be postponed and subsequently rescheduled for a time when said snacks are available.

• Mr. Giambi is not to be asked any questions regarding the possibility of his taking of steroids.

• Mr. Giambi is not to be asked any questions regarding his bearing witness to any other player taking steroids.

• Mr. Giambi is not to be asked any questions reagarding steroids.

• If Mr. Giambi feels inclined not to attend said meeting, he may elect to send a predetermined representative in his place. If said representative is unavailable, the meeting will be postponed and subsequently rescheduled for a time when said representative is available.

--

*Said "exclusive information" may, in fact, not actually be exclusive nor confirmed information.