SNOWBALLIN' / VICE CITY

I am slowly becoming more aware of my vices, of which I have many. For instance, I hate shaving. This has resulted in my hair approaching shoulder-length and my face being hidden behind a thick, albeit somewhat patchy, mess of course pubic-like scruff (images available on Facebook, or here). Additionally, I probably don't eat as well as I should. I justify this through various excuses - time, finances, etc. - but eventually I'm sure it will catch up with me (especially since I'm much slower now than I used to be, undoubtedly because of said diet). Those are just two of the most troubling - aside from leaving counter-tops unkempt to promote breeding grounds for e-coli, spitting in sandwiches I'll then offer to people, and injecting friends with needles containing deadly plagues - but perhaps The WORST vice I have is watching CNN.

I indulge this vice of mine today when I decide to turn on "American Morning". And on this American Morning, I am greeted by Veronica De La Cruz, who serves as CNN's "Internet Correspondent" (This is officially my new favorite title, although if it were me, I totally would have talked The Network into something more grandiose but equally meaningful, such as "Ambassador to the Digital Media" or "Web Czar"). She's explaining that this is a follow-up to a story The Network has cleverly dubbed "Snow Day Phone Call" (you can view the segment here). If I might editorialize for a moment (because the rest of this is obviously hard news reporting): this is DELICIOUS (almost delicious enough to post on del.icio.us). Such a morning treat. It's like skipping the Oat Bran and starting my day with three chocolate éclairs.

I particularly enjoy the way in which Ms. De La Cruz owns (or for you internet correspondents out there, pwns) this story right from the start. Her delivery of "...That he posted..................................................on The Internet", features just the right ratio of dramatic pause to peaking intonation, perfectly illuminating how this story has fallen into her domain (no pun intended).

Ms. De La Cruz further enhances her performance through use of dramatic irony, as she explains to us that the youngster who posted this "even seemed a little annoyed about all the calls that HE was getting from the media.............. on HIS home phone." Watch out Stone Phillips!

To be fair, it was this lad himself who posted this voicemail message on YoutTube; and Ms. De La Cruz does acknowledge his point that there are other more important stories in the world that are probably more worthy of attention than this. But what fun is fair?! NONE. Luckily, our Ambassador to the Internet is fully aware of this, and is equally quick to justify the story by explaining that "it seems like people are still interested" (I think this should be CNN's new company slogan: "CNN. IT SEEMS LIKE PEOPLE ARE STILL INTERESTED").

But by far my favorite moment of this piece is when our CNN sponsored Internet Tour Guide tells us that their original segment on this story, posted on youtube, has been viewed over 8,500 times. Now although that might not seem all the impressive, just look at how impressive it becomes when you boldface, change text size, and hold for effect.....................................................................................................................................
..................................................................................................................................................
....8,500 TIMES!

See? Now it's big news.

Inevitably we've now introduced a comparative numbers game, which is of course the goal of all major news networks. In case you are wondering what other YouTube items are tantamount in views to this clip boasted by CNN, I've taken the liberty of performing a search and coming up with a few random samplings. And if you aren't wondering... Well I've already gone through the effort, and you've come this far, so why not take a look:







For the record, "Cake Flushing" is actually far more popular than "Snow Day Phone Call", with almost three times as many views. Maybe it's all in the title. Or perhaps CNN will soon begin airing more videos featuring cakes and toilets - which is probably on par with their curent programming. Either way, this whole sordid affair can probably be summed up best by a quote from a viewer read on the air by Ms. De La Cruz:

Thankfully, those attributes - like the common sense to separate a real news story from meaningless fluff, and the self control and composure to report on real issues like, gee I dunno, the presidential primaries, or Darfur - are not applicable to broadcast media. And I for one am happy about that. It gives me a chance to indulge one of my vices, while at the same time making me realize that in comparison, mine aren't all that bad.

Oh and one last item: while snowballing is a term frequently used to describe the nature of viral media, it also refers to this.

STARS: THEY'RE JUST LIKE US

With much of Hollywood's feature film production on hold as a result of the ongoing writers' strike, it seems George Clooney is is branching out - olive branching out, if you will (you really shouldn't). Mr. Clooney's latest role will be that of "Messenger of Peace" for the United Nations. Still, this may just be a move by Mr. Clooney to balance the scales following his role in "Intolerable Cruelty".

WHERE'S ANDY'S MOJO?

RODDICK LOSES IN THIRD ROUND OF AUSSIE OPEN; AMERICAN TENNIS DIES A LITTLE INSIDE.

Tyler Perry's House of Painkillers and Anabolic Steroids

Apparently, the answer to this question is illegal steroids...

NORTHEAST BIAS

Apparently, there was a Republican debate on YouTube - which is now on TV - the other night. As you might expect with the beginning of primary season drawing near, the questions are becoming more specified and the answers more informative. A prime example is the following clip, which concluded the evening's festivities:



It's nice to see Giuliani step away, if but only for a moment, from his general 9/11 platform and ascend to a new perch; that of World Series architect. I'm already seeing the promises... "if elected, he will deliver a long-awaited World Series Championship to AMERICA." I wonder what the t-shirts would look like...

On another note, former Massachusetts Governor and "resident" Mitt Romney made what appears to be his first easily-identifiable factual error. But I'm sure most Red Sox fans won't catch it. And even if they do, they're certainly not the type to poke fun at such an innocent mistake...

...then again...

BOWLING FOR HOLLYWOOD

If you're confused about the on-going writers strike in the entertainment industry, the following video serves as demonstration of what the two sides are feuding over. If you're not confused about the writers strike, this video serves ice-cold beverages.

THE ONLY THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE HEARD FOLLOWING THE PATS/COLTS GAME

If you live and breath and exist in the world, you've probably already heard everything there is to know regarding the media-dubbed "Super Bowl XLI.v" between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts... EXCEPT for, perhaps, the following items which I've failed to seen mentioned on any post-game coverage, newscast, sports-wrap show, newspaper article, blog, or Monday Morning Toilet Paper (patent pending - it truly is the best way to recap all of Sunday's NFL action while your body recaps your gameday gluttony):

• While everyone and their mother (particularly YOUR mother) was quick to point out how Joseph Addai single handedly tore apart the Pats - 112 rushing yards, 114 receiving - it's worth noting how these totals were achieved. 73 of those receiving yards came on one play (described to death by this point, so I'll save you the trouble or suffering through another). Even more noteworthy, while Addai gained 70 yards on his first 10 rushing attempts, he was able to grind out only 42 yards on his last 16 attempts. I take nothing away from Addai, who was very impressive to watch. However, let us also praise the Patriots defense, particularly the line, who were able to effectively shut down Addai in the second-half in order to put the Pats in a position to make that stellar fourth-quarter comeback.

• In a game where the Colts appeared to dominate the Patriots on the ground, they only ended up out-gaining the Pats by 14 yards - 119 to 105.
  

• Tom Brady looks amazing in crushed velvet.

• If it's possible, it seems like there were even MORE commercials starring Peyton Manning today. I'm not ruling out the possibility that he's filming them during halftime.

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Now, onto the elephant in the room (which everyone is talking about, so I guess it's really more of the elephant in the circus): Will the Patriots go 16-0?

I'm not going to pretend I'm not intrigued by the possibility. What's even more intriguing is that my response to this question changes depending upon the way it's asked. Confused? So am I. Let me elaborate.

If you ask me, "Will the Patriots go 16-0?" I would be inclined to answer, "No. I do not believe they will. It's likely that they will lose to at least one team over their last seven games." I say this because I believe in giving thorough answers. Also, I believe it to be true when approached in said manner. Statistically and rationally, it's near impossible to go undefeated in the NFL. It's only been done once ('72 Dolphins) for a reason. Furthermore, no team has EVER gone 16-0 ('72 Dolphins played a 14 game schedule).

HOWEVER, if you take this game by game and ask me, "Will the Patriots lose to the Bills, Eagles, Ravens, Steelers, Jets, Dolphins, or Giants?" Using the same common sense as above, I would have to say "no."

That's also true. I can't envision the Patriots losing to any of the teams that remain on their schedule. The Giants and Eagles are good, but only by NFC standards (sorry, but true). The Dolphins should be motivated by the fact that it's their franchise's historic record they'd be protecting, but unless the 25 foot Jason Taylor robot is shipped over from England and plays in that game, motivation will only get them within 25 points. The Jets game will be less of a football game and more of a massacre for the transgressions of Eric Mangini. The Steelers are undoubtedly the best team remaining on the schedule; for whatever reason, this doesn't scare me at all. Maybe it's because they seem to be the same strong team that always loses to the Patriots. In a way, the Steelers are too good for the Pats to lose to them, if that makes any sense. If the Pats are going to lose, it's going to be to somebody who sneaks up on them. Which brings us to the only two games that scare me... The Ravens and the Bills.

Both Baltimore and Buffalo are aided in that they will be at home respectively for these match-ups. They also both have strong running games. They also both have that indefinite upset quality - strong enough to compete but easy enough to overlook (sort of like Secret deodorant).

So to sum up: will the Patriots go 16-0? Probably not; but quite possibly yes. There. I've had my cake and eaten it too. And it was delicious.