Tuesday, April 01, 2008
INTEGRATED ADVERTISING
It's been reported that two children discovered a woman's head sealed inside a plastic bag on a beach in Angus. Not to worry. What was thought to be a gruesome discovery turns out to be a clever advertising ploy by Viacom/CBS Corp. to promote its hit Showtime series DEXTER, now airing on CBS Sundays at 10pm et/pt (check your local listings).
Monday, March 31, 2008
OPENING THE VAULT / CLEANING THE PIPES
In an attempt to publish something new here for the first time in approximately one month, I'll be posting the "Best of What-I-was-Thinking / What was I Thinking?"; a series of posts from the last 30 days that I meant to write but never fully finished. New old entries to follow below, complete with date of conception. Check back often to see what's revealed from the depths within while I try to give this blog a super-colon-flush.
*EDIT* New OLD entries will be below this, new NEW entries will be above, with this post serving as a sort of Mason-Dixon Line (albeit with less slavery).
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
SCENT OF A WOMAN
Love and dating can be hard. Luckily, we have AOL to help guide us:
The Latest in Love & Dating News: How To Flatter Women
In the man's arsenal for scoring brownie points, the stalwart has always been flattery. Unfortunately, women know the "flattery will get you nowhere" aphorism and are apt to use it when you're being too obvious. Most men don't know how to flatter women properly, as females can be extremely shrewd characters when it comes to detecting manipulation…
Other things you didn’t know about women: they’re also extremely well-versed in bomb-sniffing, wrote some of your favorite episodes of The Office (the American version), and, surprisingly, they don’t have penises.
When you're trying to figure out how to flatter women, specifically your woman, remember that they are complex creatures. The female psyche is a complex layering of emotion, intelligence, intuition, and reason; a potent mixture that even Freud would have a hard time combating. Luckily, it means that there are several different ways to storm her castle.
This is quite the contrary to the male psyche, which is composed of a simple hierarchy of needs:
Also, if you’re going to be storming any lady-castles, make sure you carry the appropriate equipment, as Freud demonstrates:
1. Flatter her physical attributes
The most basic, and therefore simplest, approach to flattering a woman is to compliment her physical attributes. Choose something relevant to your particular subject to comment on; this could include anything from her mode of dress to a body part.
From my experience, the more specific the better. If she is a dancer, compliment her feet; a Goth, her eye shadow; a tennis player, her broad, masculine shoulders.
When you employ this tactic, you need to make it count and you need to appear sincere, since this form of flattery will last a rather short period of time; it might survive the first few moments of the evening, but it will surely become road kill after a few hours. Women don't give this particular form of flattery much credence, since they know that they have little to do with their natural appearance. It would be wise of you to use this strategy sparingly if you're trying to figure out how to flatter women, as overuse diminishes returns.
Remember, you need to APPEAR sincere, but you don’t actually have to BE sincere. Keep this distinction in mind, as it will save you much time in actually having to develop your own personality and sense of self – which is really just a time waste. Additionally, though conservation is the key to flattery, insincerity can be utilized without limit.
2. Flatter something she has created
This "how to flatter women" tip pertains to the things the girl of your desire has physically created. It doesn't matter if you're not dating the next great novelist or painter; she'll welcome your praise on her superb execution of something as simple as a nice dessert or cocktail.
If she’s a mom, compliment her child. Unless the child is yours, then it will just come off as bragging.
The return on this investment varies proportionately with the amount of time she has spent on the creation you're complimenting. If she just finished writing a children's book, your comment on that may last longer than your comment on her flawless creation of an ice-cream sundae. Show your appreciation as often as you can without seeming sycophantic.
Here’s an easy mathematical formula to understand this relationship:
3. Flatter her accomplishment of a big goal
If she has just finished a project she has been talking about and working on for a while, really compliment her on it.
Say she just finished building a house for habitat for humanity. Tell her how much you admire her ability to devote so much time for such a worthy cause. However, make sure to sidestep the trap of starting your next sentence with, “if you’d like to bang another hammer for a worthy cause…”
This not only has the added benefit of showing that you've been listening, but it also focuses on one of her most positive personality traits. It shows you really are in awe of her ability to stick with something to the end and that you think it's very admirable.
And remember, this doesn’t have to be sincere, just believable.
4. Ask for her advice
Everyone likes to feel useful, and women appreciate it if you notice that they're useful outside of the bedroom.
Obviously, the bedroom is the only place where women are in fact useful.
There's no doubt that your girl has abilities and aptitudes of which you're unaware, so go ahead and let her in on a problem you've been working on.
For instance, women are good at directions. So say something like “I’ve been having a lot of trouble finding the supermarket” to which she will happily respond with the proper route. If executed properly, this will result in wild sex.
A sounding board is always helpful, and a fresh point of view is worth having. When you ask for her advice, you're flattering her problem-solving abilities and her intelligence, which shows that you respect her for more than the way she looks.
This item is most effective if you’re dating a hot chick that knows she’s hot. If you’re dating a hot chick that doesn’t think she’s physically attractive, bypass this tip and revert to flattering her physical characteristics, as well as her prowess in the bedroom (as discussed). If you’re not dating a hot chick, break up with her.
Over time, this particular form of flattery will have increasing impact since it is, in essence, a more substantial form of respect than shallow flattery.
Not to imply that all of the previous tips and techniques here are shallow…
5. Defer to her in conversation in front of your friends
Instead of dominating a conversation about current events or whatever topic is being discussed, defer to her at regular intervals to make sure she's engaged...
Set your watch to alert you every 3.75 minutes. Each time the alarm goes off, no matter what you're saying, turn to her and sincerely say “what do you think, honey?”
-- just make sure she's knowledgeable in the subject or you'll likely embarrass her by exploiting her ignorance.
All women are ignorant. It’s a result of having a uterus. The Greeks knew this, which is why removal of the uterus was dubbed a “hysterectomy” (removal of hysteria), a term still used today. The word “woman” has a similar etymology. “Wo” is derived from Latin, meaning “stupid”, and “man” meaning “man”. Therefore, wo-man = stupid-man.
The key to hiding a woman’s ignorance is picking a topic that you know she’ll be interested and informed about. These generally include shopping, shoes, drapes, cleaning the bathroom, picking up after men, her vagina, pleasing a man, or anything related to the bedroom.
Again, [deferring to her in conversation] shows you respect her mind enough to show it off in front of your friends. Women like to be respected, and you'll win points with her if you look to her for an opinion.
It’s almost as if women are people (ALMOST).
Breaking into a group of friends, especially yours, is one of the hardest things for a woman to do. Making it easier for her will have a lasting impact on your relationship's dynamic.
“relationship’s dynamic” = raunchy hot sex, possibly including her hot friends.
6. Compliment her on a task in front of others
Throughout your relationship, you will be struck by her actions, creations, ideas, and accomplishments. If they're important to you and her, choose to compliment her on them in a public venue.
If they’re not important to you, tell her so in private. She’ll appreciate your discretion in not telling her how lame she is in public.
If you mention her good deeds in the company of people she respects, your comments will have even more impact. Showing her a great deal of respect through public adulation shores up her sense of self-worth and will endear you to her.
Not unlike a dog, infant, or prize-winning pumpkin at a state fair.
A flattery battery
Women are experts at detecting the shallow flattery that so often gets men nowhere.
True experts. They have Masters Degrees from Vassar.
That said, offering sincere compliments that focus more on her personality and intrinsic nature can be a great way to raise her self-esteem and, by proxy, her opinion of you.
By proxy, if you compliment her via proxy, it will result in her returning of said proxy via text via proxy via iPhone.
You see, women are just as good at picking up on sincerity as they are manipulation. Luckily, the extra effort involved in sincerity is minuscule, and the return on that investment is considerable. A high frequency of small sincere compliments and respect will go a long way. Perhaps flattery will get you everywhere.
So to recap, the greater your ability to hide the fact that you’re a complete douche, the higher your chances will be of ending up in her pants. And remember; do NOT be surprised when you don’t find a penis in there. Women don’t have those. But they ARE people (almost).
Further exploration and insight into this topic can be found here:
The Latest in Love & Dating News: How To Flatter Women
In the man's arsenal for scoring brownie points, the stalwart has always been flattery. Unfortunately, women know the "flattery will get you nowhere" aphorism and are apt to use it when you're being too obvious. Most men don't know how to flatter women properly, as females can be extremely shrewd characters when it comes to detecting manipulation…
Other things you didn’t know about women: they’re also extremely well-versed in bomb-sniffing, wrote some of your favorite episodes of The Office (the American version), and, surprisingly, they don’t have penises.
When you're trying to figure out how to flatter women, specifically your woman, remember that they are complex creatures. The female psyche is a complex layering of emotion, intelligence, intuition, and reason; a potent mixture that even Freud would have a hard time combating. Luckily, it means that there are several different ways to storm her castle.
This is quite the contrary to the male psyche, which is composed of a simple hierarchy of needs:
Also, if you’re going to be storming any lady-castles, make sure you carry the appropriate equipment, as Freud demonstrates:1. Flatter her physical attributes
The most basic, and therefore simplest, approach to flattering a woman is to compliment her physical attributes. Choose something relevant to your particular subject to comment on; this could include anything from her mode of dress to a body part.
From my experience, the more specific the better. If she is a dancer, compliment her feet; a Goth, her eye shadow; a tennis player, her broad, masculine shoulders.
When you employ this tactic, you need to make it count and you need to appear sincere, since this form of flattery will last a rather short period of time; it might survive the first few moments of the evening, but it will surely become road kill after a few hours. Women don't give this particular form of flattery much credence, since they know that they have little to do with their natural appearance. It would be wise of you to use this strategy sparingly if you're trying to figure out how to flatter women, as overuse diminishes returns.
Remember, you need to APPEAR sincere, but you don’t actually have to BE sincere. Keep this distinction in mind, as it will save you much time in actually having to develop your own personality and sense of self – which is really just a time waste. Additionally, though conservation is the key to flattery, insincerity can be utilized without limit.
2. Flatter something she has created
This "how to flatter women" tip pertains to the things the girl of your desire has physically created. It doesn't matter if you're not dating the next great novelist or painter; she'll welcome your praise on her superb execution of something as simple as a nice dessert or cocktail.
If she’s a mom, compliment her child. Unless the child is yours, then it will just come off as bragging.
The return on this investment varies proportionately with the amount of time she has spent on the creation you're complimenting. If she just finished writing a children's book, your comment on that may last longer than your comment on her flawless creation of an ice-cream sundae. Show your appreciation as often as you can without seeming sycophantic.
Here’s an easy mathematical formula to understand this relationship:
Time Spent Creating= t
Time Spent Complimenting = c
Cost of dinner = d
Amount of interest = a
Sycophantic = s
Attractiveness level = Q
c = t/10 – (a – d)/Q
c = s when c > t
Time Spent Complimenting = c
Cost of dinner = d
Amount of interest = a
Sycophantic = s
Attractiveness level = Q
c = t/10 – (a – d)/Q
c = s when c > t
3. Flatter her accomplishment of a big goal
If she has just finished a project she has been talking about and working on for a while, really compliment her on it.
Say she just finished building a house for habitat for humanity. Tell her how much you admire her ability to devote so much time for such a worthy cause. However, make sure to sidestep the trap of starting your next sentence with, “if you’d like to bang another hammer for a worthy cause…”
This not only has the added benefit of showing that you've been listening, but it also focuses on one of her most positive personality traits. It shows you really are in awe of her ability to stick with something to the end and that you think it's very admirable.
And remember, this doesn’t have to be sincere, just believable.
4. Ask for her advice
Everyone likes to feel useful, and women appreciate it if you notice that they're useful outside of the bedroom.
Obviously, the bedroom is the only place where women are in fact useful.
There's no doubt that your girl has abilities and aptitudes of which you're unaware, so go ahead and let her in on a problem you've been working on.
For instance, women are good at directions. So say something like “I’ve been having a lot of trouble finding the supermarket” to which she will happily respond with the proper route. If executed properly, this will result in wild sex.
A sounding board is always helpful, and a fresh point of view is worth having. When you ask for her advice, you're flattering her problem-solving abilities and her intelligence, which shows that you respect her for more than the way she looks.
This item is most effective if you’re dating a hot chick that knows she’s hot. If you’re dating a hot chick that doesn’t think she’s physically attractive, bypass this tip and revert to flattering her physical characteristics, as well as her prowess in the bedroom (as discussed). If you’re not dating a hot chick, break up with her.
Over time, this particular form of flattery will have increasing impact since it is, in essence, a more substantial form of respect than shallow flattery.
Not to imply that all of the previous tips and techniques here are shallow…
5. Defer to her in conversation in front of your friends
Instead of dominating a conversation about current events or whatever topic is being discussed, defer to her at regular intervals to make sure she's engaged...
Set your watch to alert you every 3.75 minutes. Each time the alarm goes off, no matter what you're saying, turn to her and sincerely say “what do you think, honey?”
-- just make sure she's knowledgeable in the subject or you'll likely embarrass her by exploiting her ignorance.
All women are ignorant. It’s a result of having a uterus. The Greeks knew this, which is why removal of the uterus was dubbed a “hysterectomy” (removal of hysteria), a term still used today. The word “woman” has a similar etymology. “Wo” is derived from Latin, meaning “stupid”, and “man” meaning “man”. Therefore, wo-man = stupid-man.
The key to hiding a woman’s ignorance is picking a topic that you know she’ll be interested and informed about. These generally include shopping, shoes, drapes, cleaning the bathroom, picking up after men, her vagina, pleasing a man, or anything related to the bedroom.
Again, [deferring to her in conversation] shows you respect her mind enough to show it off in front of your friends. Women like to be respected, and you'll win points with her if you look to her for an opinion.
It’s almost as if women are people (ALMOST).
Breaking into a group of friends, especially yours, is one of the hardest things for a woman to do. Making it easier for her will have a lasting impact on your relationship's dynamic.
“relationship’s dynamic” = raunchy hot sex, possibly including her hot friends.
6. Compliment her on a task in front of others
Throughout your relationship, you will be struck by her actions, creations, ideas, and accomplishments. If they're important to you and her, choose to compliment her on them in a public venue.
If they’re not important to you, tell her so in private. She’ll appreciate your discretion in not telling her how lame she is in public.
If you mention her good deeds in the company of people she respects, your comments will have even more impact. Showing her a great deal of respect through public adulation shores up her sense of self-worth and will endear you to her.
Not unlike a dog, infant, or prize-winning pumpkin at a state fair.
A flattery battery
Women are experts at detecting the shallow flattery that so often gets men nowhere.
True experts. They have Masters Degrees from Vassar.
That said, offering sincere compliments that focus more on her personality and intrinsic nature can be a great way to raise her self-esteem and, by proxy, her opinion of you.
By proxy, if you compliment her via proxy, it will result in her returning of said proxy via text via proxy via iPhone.
You see, women are just as good at picking up on sincerity as they are manipulation. Luckily, the extra effort involved in sincerity is minuscule, and the return on that investment is considerable. A high frequency of small sincere compliments and respect will go a long way. Perhaps flattery will get you everywhere.
So to recap, the greater your ability to hide the fact that you’re a complete douche, the higher your chances will be of ending up in her pants. And remember; do NOT be surprised when you don’t find a penis in there. Women don’t have those. But they ARE people (almost).
Further exploration and insight into this topic can be found here:
Monday, February 25, 2008
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
As an avid TV viewer and an advertisement enthusiast, I was quite disheartened to find the following New York Times article (video also available) on Lipitor® Spokesmodel and George W. Bush-Party-Double Dr. Robert Jarvik.
The article touches on several interesting tidbits regarding the possible misrepresentation of Dr. Jarvik, including but not limited to what branch of medicine his degree is actually in (by the looks of him, I'm guessing obstetrics).
Qualifications Schmalifications! The feature and certainly most damning revelation is not whether or not he is a cardiologist, but rather whether or not Dr. Jarvik can row a boat. Here is the chilling account from the Times:
Reports have no been confirmed, but it's rumored that Dr. Jarvik may soon be appearing alongside Mili Vanilli in the new Lipitor®-approved Subway heart-healty $1.67 menu.
The article touches on several interesting tidbits regarding the possible misrepresentation of Dr. Jarvik, including but not limited to what branch of medicine his degree is actually in (by the looks of him, I'm guessing obstetrics).
Qualifications Schmalifications! The feature and certainly most damning revelation is not whether or not he is a cardiologist, but rather whether or not Dr. Jarvik can row a boat. Here is the chilling account from the Times:
"One television ad depicted Dr. Jarvik as an accomplished rower gliding across a mountain lake, but the ad used a body double for the doctor, who apparently does not row."So just which scenes feature the real Dr. Jarvik, and which feature this alleged body double? I took the liberty of drawing up the following visual aid to help explain:
Reports have no been confirmed, but it's rumored that Dr. Jarvik may soon be appearing alongside Mili Vanilli in the new Lipitor®-approved Subway heart-healty $1.67 menu.
Friday, February 15, 2008
LITERAL BIAS
"When it comes to fatal flops, the Red Sox literally own the franchise in our town." - Dan Shaughnessy, The Boston Globe, February 10, 2008
At first glance, it would appear that Dan Shaughnessy's use of the term "literally" in the previous sentence is erroneous at best and idiotic at worst. I mean, it's conceivably impossible that the Red Sox could LITERALLY own the franchise of fatal flop, right? WRONG! Not unlike George W. Bush, history will prove Mr. Shaughnessy to be correct.
In 1933, Tom Yawkey purchased the struggling Red Sox Baseball Club from previous owner Harry Frazee. Yawkey had great plans for the franchise and intended to turn the dismal team around. A businessman first and possibly a racist second, Yawkey was nothing if not pragmatic. Thus, upon purchase of The Sox, Yawkey also acquired the copyright to the phrase"fatal flop". Should his investment tank, Yawkey planned to trademark the phrase and sell the slogan on hats,
t-shirts, and playing cards specifically marketed for Texas Hold'em. Yawkey also entertained the possibility of extending the brand to men's undergarments, as well as a low-end line of affordable caskets for low-income families still suffering from the effects of the depression. Fear of market over-saturation curtailed that extension.
Ultimately, none of these ideas ever came to fruition, as Yawkey was indeed successful in turning the team around. However, since Yawkey had officially become a member of the Red Sox limited partnership upon purchase of the term, and said purchase was then made with what were designated as team funds (mostly for tax purposes), the copyright to the term still resides with the Club's managing partners to this day.
Thus, what would otherwise have appeared to be an ignorant, sloppy, and egregiously lazy use of the English language by Mr. Shaughnessy actually turns out to be both grammatically and factually correct!
Lucky for Dan, because otherwise I would have to report him here.
At first glance, it would appear that Dan Shaughnessy's use of the term "literally" in the previous sentence is erroneous at best and idiotic at worst. I mean, it's conceivably impossible that the Red Sox could LITERALLY own the franchise of fatal flop, right? WRONG! Not unlike George W. Bush, history will prove Mr. Shaughnessy to be correct.
In 1933, Tom Yawkey purchased the struggling Red Sox Baseball Club from previous owner Harry Frazee. Yawkey had great plans for the franchise and intended to turn the dismal team around. A businessman first and possibly a racist second, Yawkey was nothing if not pragmatic. Thus, upon purchase of The Sox, Yawkey also acquired the copyright to the phrase"fatal flop". Should his investment tank, Yawkey planned to trademark the phrase and sell the slogan on hats,
t-shirts, and playing cards specifically marketed for Texas Hold'em. Yawkey also entertained the possibility of extending the brand to men's undergarments, as well as a low-end line of affordable caskets for low-income families still suffering from the effects of the depression. Fear of market over-saturation curtailed that extension.Ultimately, none of these ideas ever came to fruition, as Yawkey was indeed successful in turning the team around. However, since Yawkey had officially become a member of the Red Sox limited partnership upon purchase of the term, and said purchase was then made with what were designated as team funds (mostly for tax purposes), the copyright to the term still resides with the Club's managing partners to this day.Thus, what would otherwise have appeared to be an ignorant, sloppy, and egregiously lazy use of the English language by Mr. Shaughnessy actually turns out to be both grammatically and factually correct!
Lucky for Dan, because otherwise I would have to report him here.
Friday, February 08, 2008
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