GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, AND NEITHER DO NEW YORK GIANTS WIDE RECEIVERS

Before you go judging Plaxico Burress, keep in mind that he learned gun safety from this man:

GETTING CLOSURE

There is somewhat of a collective sigh being expressed now that this historic election has come to an end. Maybe "Historic" is not your choice of adjective. Perhaps you prefer "excruciating" or "interminable" or maybe even "soul sucking". No matter what you call it, one thing is certain: we were invested in this election for a long time.

We spent the better part of two years with this thing. The election could have gotten pregnant and given birth not once but TWICE. It could have gone to school and attained a low-level-to-moderate masters degree. It enjoyed a longer run than the vast majority of programming that debuted against it. The following is just a partial list of shows that premiered and ended over the course of this campaign:

2 Dudes Catering
Aliens In America
America's Psychic Challenge
Amne$ia
Back To You
Better Half
Big Shot
Bionic Woman
Blood Ties
Camp Lazlo
Cane
Canterbury's Law
Carpoolers
Cashmere Mafia
Cavemen
Clash Of The Choirs
Confessions Of A Matchmaker
Control Room Presents
Crowned: The Mother Of All Pageants
CW Now
Dance Machine
Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann
Decision House
Dr. Steve-O
Exalted!
Guinea Pig
Here Come The Newlyweds
Hey Paula
Janice & Abbey
Journeyman
K-Ville
Kaya
Kid Nation
Life Is Wild
Matched In Manhattan
Miss Guided
Moonlight
MVP: He Shoots, She Scores
My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad
Nashville
New Amsterdam
The Next Great American Band
Online Nation
Oprah's Big Give
Painkiller Jane
Phenomenon
Power Of 10
Quarterlife
Secret Talents Of The Stars
Side Order Of Life
The Singing Bee
State Of Mind
Tell Me You Love Me
Unhitched
Viva Laughlin
Welcome To The Parker
Whacked Out Videos
When Women Rule The World
Women's Murder Club

Personally, I will have a hard time putting this election behind me. Its course spanned longer than most of my employment stints. My relationship with it was one of the longest I've ever been in. Simply exhaling and burying the memory just does not seem like a proper send off. That's why, if you'd allow me (and even if you don't), I'd like to take a little time to reminisce as we say goodbye to the longest election in our nation's history. With that, I present the first in a (probable) series of what I will be calling: Things I Will Miss Now That The Election Is Over.


#1. EMAIL UPDATES


In the middle of October, my email address somehow got added to the Barack Obama mailing list. Since that time, I have received approximately 1,762 emails from the friends, family, and general acquaintances of the President-Elect. Now that this election is over, my mailbox seems all too empty, and I can't help but feel just a little bit used. The morning after, I received no contact - no email, no nothing - from any of the staffers I'd come to grow so close to. Where's my update from David Plouffe? Suddenly, Bob Casey doesn't seem to need me so much anymore. Al Gore just stopped asking for my help, and Jon Carson isn't checking in on my weekend plans. There are no more challenges from Nicole Aro, and no Joe Biden just saying hi.

So thanks, Obama Campaign, for turning what I thought was my triumphant march from the voting booth into a tawdry walk of shame. It's going to take an industrial-strength spam-blocker and anti-virus sweep to cleanse my computer of the memory of this dirty affair.

Which reminds me, has anyone checked in on Scarlett Johansson?

UNDECIDED NO MORE

Attention all undecided voters:

You've been patiently waiting for the candidates to speak to you, to give you something you can definitively wrap your head around, to comment on an issue so important to the future of our nation that you just can not bring yourself to decide on a candidate until you know where each stands.

Well fear not! Because last night, Barack Obama and John McCain took to the hallowed political ground of Monday Night Football to answer the greatest question plaguing our country: what is the one thing they would change in sports?

Barack Obama continued his platform of change we can believe in, as he proclaimed, "I think it is about time that we had playoffs in college football. I'm fed up with these computer rankings and this and that and the other... Get eight teams -- the top eight teams right at the end. You got a playoff. Decide on a National Champion."

Bold move, senator, but one I can respect. I appreciate your dedication to taking on the corporations, to fight against the BCS and the television networks and conference revenue streams to try to give us, the people, a National Champion that we can all feel good about. And if that means asking a small well-to-do portion of teams and sponsors to spead the wealth around a little, so be it.

John McCain was equally impressive, pushing his commitment to not flinching in the face of adversity, stating he would "take significant action to prevent the spread and use of performance-enhancing substances. I think it's a game we're going to be in for a long time. What I mean by that is there is somebody in a laboratory right now trying to develop some type of substance that can't be detected and we've got to stay ahead of it. It's not good for the athletes. It's not good for the sports. It's very bad for those who don't do it, and I think it can attack the very integrity of all sports going all the way down to high school."

I admire your consistancy, other senator. It's that old edict of preventative war. We must fight them over there so we don't have to fight them here. We know that those scientists have steroids hidden in those labs. If we want to prevent the proliferation of steroids, we have to get into those labs, with a tactical, bipartisan approach, and destroy everything that is in them, while we waterboard the scientists until they tell us how they made the drugs and how to stop it. We can't let the scientists win.

So, that's it. You now know EVERYTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THESE CANDIDATES IN ORDER TO MAKE A DECISION. Go forth and do your civic duty. Oh and if you get a chance, vote, too.

HEADLINES!

I'm bored, which inevitably means it's blogging time. However, I'm not bored ENOUGH to really put my full effort into this - which is not to imply that I have ever put my full effort into this before. What does that leave us with? Probably with something fairly close to my typical blog entry. And with that stunning introduction, on to the news!

KIM JONG IL SPOTTED AT SOCCER GAME, FINALLY MAKING SOCCER WORTH WATCHING

Notoriously camera-shy North Korean leader Kim Jong Il was recently spotted out at a soccer game. Upon meeting the eternal president, the player's involved in the game claimed they felt "a fire in their heart.". The players' hearts were later treated for radiation exposure.

Look for more super-awesome citings of the Dear Leader in US Weekly's newest feature, "Dictators! They're Just Like Us!" (Spoiler alert - Kim doesn't wear make-up when he goes to the supermarket!) OMG!

SMALLER TWINKIES ARE HERE. NATION REJOICES

Quick to join in the 100 calorie snack game (a game that garners a larger audience than professional hockey), Hostess is introducing "Twinkie Bites", the 100 calorie Twinkie snack pack. Hostess hopes the new venture will extend the brand to the crucial health-conscious consumer; those who enjoy the taste of Twinkies, but feel the original 150 calorie version was just a bit too decadent.

CAN TV MAKE YOUR TEEN PREGNANT?

No. As it turns out, penises and doctors still have that market cornered. Unless you have that rare television that is capable of producing sperm and has a working penis. I think Magnavox may have manufactured a few of these in the 90s.

AWOL TED STEVENS JUROR LIED ABOUT ABSENCE. IRONY LOST ON TED STEVENS

The woman, who we'll generously deem as semi-infamous Juror No. 4, went missing during deliberations and was eventually replaced. When she returned to court this week by Judge's order, No. 4 explained that she'd lied about her father dying, as she had previously told court officials, and instead traveled to California to watch horse races. No. 4 concluded her rambling story of horses, the Breeders' Cup, and President Ford's son (really) by asking if she could "have a case of [her] own." Attorney's for Mr. Steven's have already requested her as a juror for their appeal case.

No word one whether or not Kim Jong Il was spotted at any of the horse races.

SCHOOL CANCELED DUE TO FOOTBALL GAME.

Three school districts in Georgia canceled school last Friday in anticipation of a teacher shortage. Teachers typically call out sick in massive numbers on the Friday before what's known as "The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party", the annual Florida-Georgia college football game (played in Jacksonville, FL). Georgia went on to get trounced by Florida, and students went on to learn about karma.

GORBACHOV: THE MUSIC VIDEO

GORBACHOV: THE MUSIC VIDEO - BIGGER AND RUSSIANER from Tom Stern on Vimeo.

IN LIEU OF LCS PREVIEWS...

I've tried all day to write American and National League Championship Series previews; it's just not happening. I'm in a funk worse than the Angels and Cubs combined (both of whom I incorrectly predicted would advance to their respective LCS). Maybe I need more sleep, maybe I'm too emotionally involved in both series - with the Red Sox in the AL and all the former Red Sox (on the Dodgers) in the NL - or maybe I'm just too preoccupied with the Tim McCarver, Manny Ramirez melodrama.

For whatever reason, I can't bring myself to do it. But I will not deny history of my predictions. Red Sox in 5, Dodgers in 6.

There. Now time can work its magic. Maybe I can gear up for some mid-series analysis and recap of the sure-to-be highlights from McCarver and Buck Martinez.

GET OUT OF MY DREAMS... GET INTO MY HEAVILY-SUPERVISED CAR.

Iran unveils plan for women's car
[Pun intended?]

The vehicle will lack mirrors - so women will not be tempted to look at themselves - and have no radio, which could subject women to unwanted western decadence. It will also come with a man who will drive it to ensure the only place she goes is to the supermarket, to pick up the children, and home, all while he shouts disparaging, misogynistic rhetoric.

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Closer to home, Ford is developing their own plan for patronizing a group of drivers. Called "MyKey", the new system will allow parents to limit top speed and stereo volume, as well as activate warning sounds if seatbelts are unfastened (link, complete with bland video demonstration). Sorry teenagers, looks like you'll have to drunk-drive at a max speed of 80mph, in addition to keeping the music to a reasonable volume while having sex in the back seat with the seatbelts on.