Connect the Dots, la lal la

In a welcome departure from the quiet, understated private mourning surrounding the recent events at Virginia Tech (a topic that has remained free of gratuitous politicizing for far too long), Newt Gingrich this week attributed the recent tragedies at Tech to 40 years of liberalism and a culture where "Young people are being dehumanized by violence in video games and liberalism has created a 'zone of not being willing to talk about any of these things.'"

Gingrich is not without support to his argument. Here is just a partial list of items that the dangerous cocktail of liberalism and violent video games is responsible for over the last 40 years:

Jeopardy!
Dunkaroos
The Oklahoma City bombing
Slap bracelets
Teen pregnancy
AIDS
Autism (specifically asperger's syndrome)
Gigli
Flava Flav
Homosexuality
Rape Culture

The expiration of the Assault Weapons Ban
Brett Ratner films
Genocide (Darfur, Kosovo, Somalia)
Super Mario Bros. & Duck Hunt
Dick Cheney
Pee Wee Herman
Hostess Cupcakes
Global warming*
The existence of the Middle East
Tom Green
People who aren't white

The Harlem Globetrotters
Harlem
Hummus (not to be confused with HAMAS)
HAMAS
Nuclear weapons
Poverty
Unemployment
Homelessness
Goth Music



*This is a tricky one because although liberalism is responsible for it, according to most conservative experts it doesn't actually exist

Love That Money

This reminds me of my landlord in college

"We Talkin' Bout Flea Market..."

Most of the cool kids have seen this already. Since this blog has never claimed to be cool, here it is, and welcome to the club:

Pack it up Pack it in

I go a year plus without posting, and now I'm already on my second post of the day. If you haven't figured it out yet, Newton is AWESOME.

Anyway, in case you've yet to view it, the following clip has started to garner some attention:



First off, in Billy Packer's defense (a phrase I never thought I'd mutter), Charlie Rose DOES have a reputation for always fagging out. He's a HUGE fagger outer.

Secondly, the most recent argument I heard surrounding this topic, from a local sports radio program that shall remain nameless, is that Packer has so far been able to escape major controversy from this because it aired on PBS, which has more "liberal" standards than say, FOX News. Which is a valid point. Here's just a partial list of questionable material I've heard on PBS in the last week alone:

• "Eleanor Roosevelt was a gay" - Jim Lehrer, The Newshour
• "...And there has never since been a time in my life where I've gotten as much pussy as I did then" - Will Lyman, Frontline
• "After doctor give Elmo medicine, Elmo feel fine. No more burn when Elmo pee" - Elmo, Sesame Street
• "The best part about reading is that you can go to places you've never been before, like Holland, or places you'd never want to actually visit, like Mexico!" - Levar Burton, Reading Rainbow

Liberal standards aside, my personal feeling is that this is not a case of politics, censorship or political correctness. This is about being old.

Old people are allowed to say whatever they want. Why? Because they're old, that's why. And because they said so. The older you get, the more crazy stuff you get to say. And if there's no one older than you around, you can say pretty much whatever you want. That's why Anne Coulter can say everything she says. She's really 102.

Take one of my uncles for instance (he's not really my uncle, I think he's a cousin, by I call him my uncle because he's old). He is 93 years old, God bless him. While attending a large extended family gathering last year, he exclaimed, "I don't give a fuck about anyone!" The reaction? General laughter from all. He's the oldest one in the family. He could have dropped his drawers and started peeing on the roses and no one would have cared (generally he saves that for Hannukah).

If there's one lesson we can learn from this, it's that we should respect our elders, and this includes letting them say whatever they want. What goes around comes around. And when you're 80, and you want to call your grand-daughter a cunt, you'll understand.

OH, and one more thing we can learn from this incident:



Who's fagging out now?

Back up in your ass with the resurrection

Seeing as how I haven't posted in this "blog" in over a year (literally), now seems as good a time as any to fill the space. Rather than try to recap and recount a years worth of worth of blog-worthy stories, I'd prefer to focus on the one story that is captivating the nation: Keith Richards "relationship" with his father.

I've done my share of crazy things: I jumped off the roof of a house into 2 feet of snow; drank an entire bottle of jeger over a 4 hour period; attended a state school. But I can honestly say I have never (knowingly) inhaled a family member's ashes up my nostril. So apparently Keith Richards has me beat, as he has now claimed to have snorted the ashes of his cremated father...

*UPDATE*

Keith Richards has now recanted his story, denying that he snorted his father, claiming it was all a joke. You know, a joke. Like the time he snorted his father...

Hooray for Hollywood

Quick thoughts from last night's hollywood circle jer.. I mean Academy Awards®:


• In the spirit of playing only weird looking characters in her most recent films, Charlize Theron came to the Oscars® in a dress made for a muppet

















• From now on, lets’s call the annual “In Memoriam” piece what it really is: “People who you forgot or didn’t know were dead”














• If Robert Altman really has the heart of a thirty year old woman (as he stated in his acceptance speech – I’m not making that up) then Lauren Bacall has the lungs of an asthmatic french street hustler.





• FYI: To anyone who plans on using “It’s hard out here for a pimp” in any attempt at humor this next week: it’s over. We’ve already killed it.















• Itzhak Perlman is super cute






• If the gay film can’t even win in Hollywood, what hope do they have in the rest of the country…























• No, Jack Nickholson didn’t open the envelope. He doesn’t have to. He’s Jack Nickholson












• Joan Rivers is still as relevant and with it as she ever was

The Resurrection: Johnny Damon, "The View," and other Tangible Signs of Evil

Every so often, I make ridiculous statements. Anyone who knows me will tell you as much. On November 19, 2004, I claimed that the NBA product was now so poor, that a 22-year-old friend of mine with no college basketball experience could play in the league.* Not one month before this, after the Red Sox were down 3-0 to the Yankees, I claimed the Sox would never win the World Series for as long as they played in Fenway Park.* And in February of 2004, I proclaimed that I’d jump off the balcony of my apartment onto our snow-covered lawn in nothing but shorts.*

So why am I telling you things you either (a) don’t care about or (b) don’t want to know (particularly if you’re my mom and you’re reading item number three listed above)? Because in my last posting, I made a ridiculous proclamation, saying I would have a new entry for each of the last 10 days the Red Sox and Yankees were, at the time, fighting out the American League Eastern Division title (At this point, you may be tempted to click the link to the left to check out that entry. If this is the case, please be warned, it sucks. For something more entertaining, read the one about my lease). Of course, this didn’t happen. Which, if you know me, isn’t really that surprising. I didn’t write one entry each day, or one entry every other day, or even one entry during the course of the 10 days. In fact, if you are a consistent reader of this site (to which I say two things – 1. Thanks. 2. Sorry you’re so bored) you know that I actually have not posted ANYTHING since September, marking the longest drought since both the inception of this site, and the old online journal this site was born from. The latter is at least somewhat surprising, seeing as how I broke even my own record on this one.

Rather than make up some paltry excuse at this point (which, believe me, I am perfectly capable of doing – it’s how I got through high school) I thought I’d make it more interactive. The following is a list of “possible excuses” I’ve come up with that could have (but probably weren’t) the reason for the absence of any new material over the past four months. Please review them, tell me which is your favorite, and if I get more than 10 responses (hell, if I get more than one response, let’s be realistic here) I’ll post the favorite in my next entry (whenever that may be… Four months from now, Six months from now, who knows!)* And now, I present to you those possible excuses, in no particular order:

• A bear ate my hands while I was chopping wood in southern Maine.
• I temporarily forgot how to type for four months, due to a strange voodoo curse involving Judge Rheinhold and a midget named Hugo.
• I was excommunicated from New York after insisting the Giants had no hope to do anything in the postseason.*
• Underwent long, painful recovery after suffering second degree burns during an attempt to burn my “what would Johnny Damon do?” t-shirt.*
• Attempted to help the victims of hurricane Katrina but upon arrival in the region, was attacked by a pack of sex-crazed ka-nines and was forced into submission.
• Became addicted to Madden 2006.
• Became addicted to Crack.
• Became addicted to The View.*

In any event, I’m back now, and will make yet another attempt at resurrecting this. Into what, I don’t know, but I’d hope it’s be something that updates a little more frequently than every four months. Only time will tell. Stay tuned…

Until Next Time,

Aaron

FOOTNOTES FOR THE UNINFORMED:
- This happened to be while watching the infamous Pacer/Pistons game, but was said BEFORE the fight
- Sox beat yanks and won world series
- I did jump
- Off-shore gambling sites are now taking bets on this. I think the smart money is on 4-6 weeks
- I was right
- Ironically, this is what I thought Johnny Damon would do.
- I assume becoming addicted to either crack or The View results in pretty much the same thing; huddling in a corner, rocking back and forth, shouting obscenities and talking to oneself.

Photos appear courtesy of Hilary Siegel and ABC.com